A/N: Written for Drama class two years ago. Hope you all enjoy my lame attempts at humour :P

The Pen Hierarchy

SETTING: An office room. The room is visibly messy. Papers are strewn across the desk and there are books and other stationery scattered across the floor.

CHARACTERS:

George – late twenties; image conscientious; self-absorbed

Chris – late twenties; friendly-puts-up-with-everyone type; normal

GEORGE: (muttering) c’mon, c’mon, it’s got to be here somewhere…

Door opens. Chris enters casually

CHRIS: Hey George.

George doesn’t reply and keeps on searching

CHRIS: Hey George.

George continues to ignore him. Chris walks closer to him

CHRIS: George!

GEORGE: (stands up; exasperated) WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

CHRIS: (slightly shocked) A hello would be nice.

GEORGE: (half shouting)You want a hello? All right then, hello Chris, hello. Are you happy now Chris? Can I go back to what I was doing now Chris?

CHRIS: What’s the matter with you George?

GEORGE: (really frustrated now) What’s the matter with me Chris? You want to know what’s the matter with me? I can’t find my fountain pen, that’s what’s the matter with me. (short, crazed laugh) I can’t find my pen Chris.

CHRIS: Wait, so all of this (indicates to current state of office and George) is because of a pen?

GEORGE: It’s not just a pen. It’s my grandfather’s fountain pen!

CHRIS: Oh, right. So it’s like one of those priceless sentimental family heirloom type of pens.

GEORGE: (incredulously) Sentimental? What am I, a girl? I need that pen to sign a form for my boss.

CHRIS: What? Then why can’t you just use that pen over there? (points to pen on table)

GEORGE: (walks over to table, and picks up pen) This is a biro pen, Chris.

CHRIS: (confused) …So?

GEORGE: I can’t use a biro to sign the form!

CHRIS: What’s the difference?!

GEORGE: (shocked) What’s the difference?! Chris, don’t you know about the pen hierarchy?

CHRIS: (cynical)…the pen hierarchy?

GEORGE: Chris, Chris, Chris. My poor, ignorant, naïve Chris. You see, ever since pens have come into use, man has had the pen hierarchy. The more common biro is usually situated somewhere at the bottom, and at the top sit the more classy, expensive fountain pens.

CHRIS: What does is matter anyway? You’re signing your name on a bit of paper. What’s the big deal?

GEORGE: Chris, you’re not getting it. The pen signifies where its user sits in the social ladder. Don’t you see Chris! If I sign the form in front of my boss using a biro, how am I supposed to work my way up?! It’s like, sitting in an important boardroom meeting and farting. It’s a sign of your ill breeding.

CHRIS: Right … Uh … (reaches for a gel pen in his pocket) How about this gel pen. This has definitely got to be higher on the “pen hierarchy” (sarcastic)

GEORGE: (offended) A gel pen? I might as well use a low life biro pen. A gel pen is only for people of a low status, trying to look as if they sit higher on top.

CHRIS: Oh! It’s all clear to me now! How could I have been so stupid! (sarcastic and exaggerated) The biro is for hobos, and the gel pen is for the hobos who want to look as if they’re not stuck in the gloomy pits of human poverty! So you’re just pretending to be rich by using an expensive fountain pen, which someone gave you, in front of your boss.

GEORGE: (annoyed) I’m not pretending! I’m just…I’m just showing him that I’m ready for a promotion, to be admitted to the next level.

CHRIS: (cynical) And this is all going to be communicated through a pen?

GEORGE: Yes.

CHRIS: Okay, George. Whatever you say…

CHRIS exits

GEORGE: Fine! Don’t believe me! You can say bye bye to high society forever then CHRIS! BYE BYE to ergonomic hydraulic wheelie chairs that all the executives have. BYE BYE to your harbour view office. BYE BYE to all your promotions!

GEORGE continues to look for pen, muttering. Finally finds it

GEORGE: Ah ha!

He trips over something as he walks to chair. Drops pen on floor. Boss enters with a pile of letters in his hand, accidentally stepping on it. The pen cracks loudly and dramatically. George’s jaw drops visibly – He looks crestfallen.

BOSS: Ah George, glad I caught you before lunch. Could you sign these for me?

FIN