Deadly Distractions

When she walked into the store I didn’t notice anything about her except for the fact that she was nails. I won’t describe her to you because you can just envision your own taste of woman so we can move on. Anyway, I was tending the fryer when I noticed a fragrance in the air. It was sweet like candy and powerful like a dominatrix. I snorted it into my body never taking my eyes off of its host. That’s when a thought occurred to me, “how can I smell this girl while standing next to hot grease and fried chicken?” Obviously an investigation would have to be conducted. Disregarding my responsibilities to my employer I stepped up to the challenge of testing this vixen’s range of potency. The candy smell became stronger as I moved up behind the counter only to realize that the girl had already received her order and was on the other side of the building. “How can this be?” I said aloud attracting confused stares from my peers. Disregarding their silent unease I retraced my steps back to the fryers and inhaled deeply. The odor was still present, fading, but still distinguishable. Deciding that I had had enough of this foreplay into scientific research I courageously made my way to the host. Nothing seemed to change after the first couple steps but as I strode closer the smell became stronger, less like candy and more like the dominatrix.

Within ten feet I could feel a mild headache nesting and my eyes begin to water. “Maybe this was a bad idea,” I thought to myself. The idea of making a full retreat sprang up in my mind like a whack a weasel popping up for the hammer’s blow. But like many amateurs at whack a weasel I too missed the beast with my hammer. My right leg moved without orders and the left soon followed suite. My eyes began to water making my vision blurry while my throat was left victim to a growing tickling sensation that tickled less than it grew. Again the right leg moved along with the left plunging me deeper into the abyss. By now there was a mere ten feet from myself and the girl. The innocent tickling I had been experiencing suddenly mutated into what felt like a giant tarantula stuck in my throat convulsing. The result of this was a loud haggard cough that surprised the surrounding customers and caught the attention of the girl. “Are you alright?” She asked rising from her seat. “I’m……fine….” I tried to say but was racked with fits of coughing. She didn’t understand and so she walked over further endangering my health. “No…..please……..stop…..” is what I meant to say but it only came out as “Naaaaahhhhh Plaaaahahhh Stoaaahaaah.” She came closer to examine my condition which only served to make it worse. My throat was closing up blocking off the exit for mucus that was already being replenished. My eyes had become useless at this point as I could only see a faint light. It was at this point that I realized I was losing my balance. As my body teetered between the fine line of composure and the opposite of composure I threw out my right hand onto a table to steady myself. As my hand landed I felt a squishy substance that I soon recognized as mayonnaise. This was confirmed when I took a step back, lost all support, and collapsed onto the cold tile slapping myself with a hand full of the oily condiment.

“Oh my God are you choking!?” The girl asked in a shrill panicked voice leaning over me. There was no way I could respond now, not with tear gas enveloping my face and sinuses so viciously. “Somebody call the paramedics!” She screamed. I could hear footsteps all around me but was lost on how nobody else could be affected by this toxic nerve agent but me. “I’m gonna give him the Heimlich.” A gruff voice said and before I knew it I was being lifted up off the ground. I could feel two thick arms wrapping around me and a sudden force, like a punch, being directed to my stomach. “It’s not working!” The girl cried out. “Just calm down now!” The man said angrily Heimliching my stomach once again. He repeated this three times with no success when on the fourth I felt a large glob of mucus shoot from my mouth instantly causing an uproar from the crowd. “Oh my God get it off get it off!” “It’s stuck in my hair and it won’t come out!” “It’s in my eyes! It’s in my eyes! I can’t fucking see!” “It’s crawling down my shirt! Ooooohhhhh gross!” This last voice I recognized as the hosts’ to my satisfaction. After all, she was the one responsible for this. And now the mucus that we had both created was crawling in between the breasts that only minutes ago, I had so desperately wanted to caress. “Air.” I said turning to the man who had Heimliched me. The man nodded in understanding and helped take me outside. Once there I failed to find relief.

Turning my head I saw that the girl had followed us as if she was trying to kill me. “Get the fuck away from me!” I screamed. The man dropped me onto the ground, said something horrible, and went back inside. The girl bent over me and asked if there was anything she could do to help. I was loosing consciousness but before the blackness took me I was able to get a glimpse of her snot filled cleavage. It was like a yellow green pond nestled between two mountains filled with liquid gold. As she leaned in to speak to me thick rivers flowed down her upper breasts and the pond made a popping sound as if from some suction movement. “That’s hot.” I said to a bewildered face and calmly accepted my death. The End.