SomethingGross

“So I stick these pencils up my ass right?”

That’s how this particular conversation started with my friend Matt. He was the biggest degenerate I had ever had the privilege of knowing. He was also one of the coolest if not amusing guys at our school too. This conversation we were having had started during lunch period and lucky for Matt, most of the seniors had open lunch. Otherwise, as per routine, they would’ve made fun of him calling my friend fag, anal sharpener, or some witless comment they were bound to repeat and run into the ground.

“So I stick these pencils up my ass right?” Matt said.

“Uh huh,” I responded.

And I clench the eraser, just the eraser Charlie otherwise you could pop yourself open and end up being carried to the hospital soaked in blood and shit. Anyways I clench the eraser and snap it off while I’m standing. Then I suck it up like a vacuum while in the missionary position.” He then gave me a mock demonstration of the insertion, snap off, and anal vacuum. Damn was I glad the seniors weren’t here for this.

“So what the fuck are you building up to Matt?” I asked casually. I was so used to this guy’s antics I could practically watch the real thing and not be shaken….well until maybe the eraser less pencil brought out a large clump of/

“Shit erasers! I’m making them for the last day of school!” When Matt said this his face out shun the sun with his manic glee.

“I’m gonna go to every teachers room during the lunch break and place them in their desks.”

“Why?” Was my obvious question.

“WHY!?” He said hysterically. Because it’ll be funny that’s why! Think about it, how often do teachers clean their desks?”

I started to respond with I don’t kno/” when he broke me off.

“Once a year! Ok let me just lay it out here for yah. Mrs. Collins last class always gets out 3 minutes early right?

“Right.”

“Anyway I know for a fact that she has to catch a plane to Colorado by five o’clock. She’ll be unpacking throughout the whole day! And when she happens to come across a turd with erasers poke-a-dotting it?”
“She’ll think someone here’s fucking crazy?”

“NO!...well maybe. She’ll wonder how long that disgusting thing was in her desk. She’ll be haunted by it, at least for a couple of hours. She’ll be thinking to herself ‘how long have I graded papers with this thing hovering underneath me? How many times have I reached in this drawer and touched some strangers feces.’ And then; ‘what if I did touch it? I’ve reached in there so many times not paying attention I could’ve easily brushed up against it.’ Dude it’ll be a total mind trip for almost every teacher in this school!”

“Almost?” I said with surprise.

“Yeah well some of the faculty actually don’t mind touching shit.” Matt said.

“Who,” I asked,“Mr. Bradster?”

“Yeah.” Mat replied. “That guy is fuckin’ sick.”