Something Old

April 2004

4:00 in the morning on a Tuesday, darkness fills my room but something is amiss. There are scratching sounds coming from the attic along with squeaks that resemble my brake pads dieing. I choose to investigate this matter but not before I arm myself with a shoe of immense proportions. “Where did this abomination of footwear originate from?” I ask myself. But my thoughts are cut off by the sound of an orgasmic squeak that chills my spine down to my uterus. I get the idea that my roommates Viagra my have been tampered with so I go and check the bottle. The pills are gone and all that remains of the container is shredded plastic mixed with mouse droppings that spell ‘Linoleum.’ Linoleum? How can mice spell Linoleum? Fear instantly strikes my heart but I must investigate. Quickly I bolt up the stairs to the attic. I take three breaths and push the door open ready to attack. But the first glimpse of this monstrosity startles me and I drop the shoe of immense proportions causing a disturbance in the room. What I see is about fifteen to thirty mice in an unholy orgy of demonic ritual. The stink of mouse sex jumps up my nose and the comit that wants to cover the floor is barely restrained with will power that is slowly fading. They look at me with their hypnotic sexually craved eyes and I start to feel tired. I realize that these sick creatures are going to penetrate me any second. I quickly exit and shut the door just in time. As the latch clicks shut a cacophony of squeaks erupts invading my head and chipping away at my skull. The door begins to chatter making me question the durability of those rusted over hinges and fearing the result of failure I run out of the house and into the early morning air. I haven’t gone back to that house since. And I never will.

On a side note I watched Cinderella with my niece last weekend. I was so petrified I wet myself in front of an eight year old girl and the Disney Corporation.