Something Santa

"Gather round inmates and let me tell you the tale that landed me in this minimum security prison. It was Christmas time last year and like always I was seasonally employed as the grand and lovable Saint Nick. I worked at the biggest mall in Jesuit County causing envy and bitterness to be harbored by my enemies. Mainly the other Santa Clause’s who weren’t as gainfully employed as I. They were reduced to working fill up stations, charity events, and standing outside the local Wal-Mart with a bell and a large depository full of coins, mostly pennies, the easiest change to part with to help feed and cloth the less fortunate.

Anyway, I was more fortunate than the others, I was inside a gigantic luxurious shopping center where most parents would purchase their child’s gifts and perhaps even have them gift wrapped for a minimal fee. Professional wrapping helps complete the lie that there is a Santa Clause and hence something worth believing in. My wife, in bitter irony, gift wrapped our divorce papers before delivering them to me. Fucking cunt. Well let’s just get to the meat of the story here since Henry’s medication is taking hold and Ike, you seem like you need some of Henry’s medication. Hey sit down it was just a joke. Sheesh. So anyway, here it goes, the story of how I ended up here with the rest of you pot smoking murdering low lives and degenerates. No offense intended mind you, you all freely admitted this to me an hour ago.

Well I was sitting in my throne humoring the children about gifts that they would never attain, that is to say until they were old enough to pay for it themselves which by then they wouldn’t even want them. Hahahaha I’ve always gotten a kick out of that. Come on Ike settle down now I’m getting to the point, please get your fist out of my face. There will be plenty of time to harass Santa later. Now where was I? Oh yes the children, I was lying to the children as per routine when it was my usual break time. I went behind the walls of the mall where I could safely remove my beard and get a quick drink. All that talking and deceiving makes a mans throat pretty parched you see. So I gulped down my fruit punch drink without even tasting anything that may have been added and went back to the North Pole display hunching down onto my throne.

Well the first half hour went smooth enough, I told the kids what they wanted to hear, and they hugged me in a nonsexual inoffensive manner. But after thirty minutes of this I noticed something disturbing. My fallice began to thicken and grow. A small boy with brown hair and red overalls was the first to notice. He was telling me how he wanted a Trollbot action figure when he stopped in mid sentence looking down at my lap as I tried my hardest not to thrust up making it more uncomfortable for both of us. He looked back up at me and continued telling me what he wanted seemingly undisturbed. The next child, a young girl of six with braces and pigtails, ran up to Santa and jumped onto his lap almost snapping my dick in half. She flew through her list of dolls and toys and hugged me aggressively. During the embrace she whispered into my ear that my lap reminded her of her daddy’s. She then kissed me on the cheek, jumped down, and went back to what I hoped wasn’t her biological father. The last child crept up slowly in a timid manner. He was a small boy with a haircut that reminded me of Jim Carrey off of Dumb & Dumber. Once the boy eventually made his way to my feet he began to climb up onto my lap by grabbing my pants. This of course made them loose but nothing that I couldn’t fix on the next break.

When the child finally sat on my lap he screamed at the hard object stabbing into his buttocks. This caught the attention of the entire mall as people were turning their heads to see what was making this small boy scream so badly. “What is that thing! It’s not soft at all! Ow it hurts.” That was the only thing the boy said before jumping down and running to his parents. “Mommy you said Santa’s lap was the softest place in the world!” “I know I did honey but that doesn’t mean that Santa’s belt won’t poke into you. Now come on and apologize to Santa.” “Ok,” the boy said looking down at his feet. I knew I was in a pickle. If I didn’t handle this situation just right this merry crowd would instantly turn into an angry mob hell bent on crucifying Santa Clause. As the mother and her child approached a person in the crowd made a comment that would doom me to this jail cell. “What’s making that tent in Santa’s lap?” That did it, all the attention of the mall was directed at my crotch scrutinizing and analyzing whether or not Santa had a boner. “He’s sick!” Someone shouted. “He’s twisted!” Another yelled. “He’s molesting our children right in front of us!” That was it. I was fucked. “Get him!” The mob closed in on me so fast I didn’t have time to react. All I saw was a blur of fists and loafers coming down on me in every direction. Blows were applied to every part of my body with a lot of attention directed at my groin. After so much abuse to my balls and body I ended up vomiting on myself splattering some on a little girl and her mother making them throw up their hands and shriek in terror. Everyone seemed to lose their ambition to beat on Santa Clause after that. The mob turned back into a crowd and dispersed. The police came shortly after and hauled me down here. As we exited the mall to a handful of onlookers my pants finally gave exposing a jolly hard on for anybody to see. I wasn’t thinking right at the time, if I had been I never would have slurred out “somebody get a missal toe. Little Clause is bleeding and needs a kiss.” That’s when a strangers fist suddenly came out of nowhere and struck me into darkness. That’s basically" WHACK!!! "Dammit Ike what’s wrong with you!? I didn’t get hard because I’m a pervert! Somebody slipped Viagra into Santa’s punch."

"Derik Ricketts."

"Yes officer?"

"We’ve got your test results back. There was no Viagra found in your system. You’re clean."

"WHAT!?" WHACK!!! "I deserved that Ike. Oh God it hurts and I deserved it. Maybe I am a pervert, if so then Santa Clause has been very bad this year. So bad, he’s being brought up on child molestation charges."