A Special Report

Brought to you by Kirk Masters

Hello I’m Kirk Masters here to inform you, the good people of Lincoln, that we are experiencing a violent uprising in our community. No longer satisfied with begging for money the homeless have become tools for the vengeful citizen in order to obtain their precious hooch. In the past four months there have been over 200 counts of violence reported involving these desperate individuals. It seems as though the trend of having a person of low stature exact your revenge for you has finally caught on and police are baffled on how to handle the situation.

All across Lincoln the homeless are being enticed with free bottles of booze to commit assault on any person who is unlucky enough to be singled out. Just last week a sixty two year old man was hospitalized after being surrounded by a pack of men, each brandishing a diminished six pack of Bud Ice. The man, like many others before him, was pelted with empty bottles that smashed against his body resulting in large bruises and minor cuts. When asked to identify his assailants the only description the man could give police was that they were dirty and wreaked of alcohol. A month ago a woman in her mid twenties was punched in the face while receiving a perm at a local salon. Her ex boyfriend is suspected of hiring the homeless man that entered the salon and delivered the unsuspecting blow. Unfortunately, no evidence can prove this as the homeless man escaped capture by throwing his last sock into the tanning bed causing not only a smoke screen but also a minor form of tear gas that disabled employees and clientele. It was reported that he had abnormally long fingernails protruding from his ragged gloves and smelled of cheap liquor and sardines.

It was just discovered two days ago that a small percentage of people hiring these men are merely looking for a moment’s entertainment, pointing out any soul that might provide a satisfying cry to their deranged ears. When asked what he plans to do about this problem police chief Max Harlem stated, “Nobody is above the law. And even though these people don’t have any assets I’m sure that we can find something to take away other than their freedom. We can’t take away their health because they’re doing it for us. We can’t take away their dignity because they don’t have any. But by God we’ll find something to make their lives worse if they continue this conduct.” Not many agree with the police chief’s statement. The Liberals say that the only way to resolve the situation is to supply alcohol at the shelters so the homeless aren’t tempted into acts of violence. While the Conservatives say that we should ban homeless people from public sidewalks and businesses to maintain order. Of course both these solutions are unreasonable and invoke dangerous side effects. So just what are we to do? With no resolution in sight the city of Lincoln is left host to a swarm of violent attacks brought on by sadistic whims, hateful agendas, and low income.