Something Drug Related

Oh my God Brian what did you do to your dog?

Oh you mean Biz Quick?

Yeah I mean Biz Quick! He’s lost all of his fur and has patches of fucking carpet stapled onto him.

First of all they’re not stapled on dude. I used a hot glue gun. Second of all, I’m not a monster. I know you’re thinking that.

I’m thinking that you’re fucked up! sigh Why the hell did you do that to him anyway?

It’s not me man, it’s the meth. You know how I’ve been enjoying that lately….dammit quit looking at me like that! Alright I’m addicted ok! Are you fucking happy now?

Ecstatic. Go on.

Yeah……so the past week I’ve been smoking nonstop right? So I was/

Have you slept at all this week?

No man, I’ve been on meth. Are you stupid?

sigh Well I am here. With you…

-moment of silence-

Anyway, so I was up about five nights ago and I was bored right? So I decided to clean up the house. You know, in case some girl scout came along and wanted to give me a blow job.

Because that happens.

Happened once punk so don’t slam on it. So anyway when I was cleaning up I found handfuls of dog hair on the couch. That didn’t bother me at first. Then I found it in my bed and all over the rugs and carpet. IT WAS FUCKING EVERYWHERE MAN! It started to drive me crazy. So I locked Biz in the garage and cleaned everything off. I thought that after doing all that labor I rightfully deserved another hit.

You justified your next hit with activities you did while you were high?

Well, yeah.

sigh And then…

Well after I got refried I was bored again. And this time I was really itching to do something important. You know like build an atomic bomb or something.

What you didn’t have instructions?

No I just didn’t have enough money to go out and buy the supplies.

That frightens me.

And that’s when Biz started barking. At first it was woof woof and then it turned into something else. Words you know?

Like?

Like, “You motherfucker you better let me out of here before I body slam this door and turn your throat into my personal food dish. Don’t you know I can take you to court for this? I’m gonna! And then I’m gonna take your house while you fester in shame and degradation.” That’s when I let him in since he could probably take me to court for negligence if he wanted to. He sounded pretty sure of himself.

What are you talking about? A dog can’t take you to court. They can’t even talk.

Really? Are you sure about that?

Yeah, though the dog does seem to have a better vocabulary than you do.

Well anyway he was cold and hungry so I still did the right thing. But as soon as I opened the door Biz came sprinting in and sprawled out on the couch. He kept rolling around on it making it fucking hairy again. I just couldn’t stand it, I snapped. I grabbed the dog by his neck and threw him back in the garage. Then I grabbed my clippers and shaved his fur ball ass.

Didn’t it ever occur to you that it’s winter and that Biz Quick would get cold?

Well obviously it didn’t Kevin. But two days later after I remembered that he had been outside for……let’s see…..oh yeah a day and a half. I/

JESUS CHRIST BRIAN!

Hey man I forgot! But I did let him in and feed him. Poor guy just looked so cold I just HAD to do something. So after I dosed myself again/

Jesus Brian.

Hey I needed some energy to solve the problem. So after I was energized I grabbed my utility knife and cut some squares out of the carpet in my room. Then I took the hot glue gun and slathered Biz’s back real quick. Like a fucking ninja with a hot glue gun man.

Didn’t that hurt him?

Yeah I think so. He tried to run but I held him down and slapped on a slab of carpet while the glue was still hot. He yelped and tried to bite me so I slapped on two more pieces real quick not really caring where they went and let him go.

Then what?

Well then he did bite me and ran off. And that’s when I decided to give up.

And get high?

No, my gun. Which reminds me.

See ya later Brian!