To answer this ad, please contact any living female.

Wanted: Someone who will do the following sincerely and with a kind, gentle heart.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Open doors for me—not to mention all women, children, the elderly, and anyone carrying a package.

Help carry things, even when I deny needing any assistance, but without being obnoxious about it.

Not talk about your own chivalry.

Appreciate it when I take the time to do something kind, like make a home-cooked meal or listen to your problems.

Help with the dishes.

Encourage me when I'm feeling down, by giving true compliments and cheerful help without saying things that are obviously exaggerated. I am neither perfect nor the best, and I will ignore such statements. Tell me something I can hold close and take with me until I need it, and then let it melt in my heart to give me the warm encouragement I need to continue.

Hold my hand in public.

Know me well enough to be able to read my body language, and sense when I am uncomfortable or upset.

Put the seat back down.

Never let me give a one-word answer to the question “How are you?” Always ask for more information, and listen wholeheartedly. There may be something I need you to hear.

Let me help you, even if you believe you don't need it.

Forgive me when I mess up, even when I can't apologize right away.

Apologize when you're wrong.

Look into my eyes. I don't care if you catch me bare naked, look into my eyes as we talk.

Even if I am bare naked, do not give me the ol' once-over. I don't care if it's followed by a compliment. I am not a possession, and my body had better not be the only thing about me that matters to you.

For the record, don't go giving anyone else the old once-over either. Just plain looking is fine, so long as you turn back to me without staring long and smile at me. I understand that pretty things catch the eye, but make sure I know that I'm the only one you look at who matters.

Don't ask me to stop being emotional. I'm a girl, I cry. It happens. It's a good thing. I can't punch something and make my feelings go away. I have to get all weird about it. Really. But, if you stick by my side, I'll go back to normal.

Let me be stubborn. Don't tell me I can't anything, because I think that if I try hard enough I can, and if you destroy my hope you will destroy me.

When I cry, hold me. Tightly. You don't even have to say anything; just hold me tight, and I'll know everything that words can't say.

Do sweet things. Little ones, like bringing me flowers on a random Tuesday, or telling me something you like about me, or giving me chocolate or a hug when I'm pissed.

When you give me a gift, don't give me a diamond or a red rose just because “every girl loves it.” Do something special, something just for me. Make me cookies. Pick out a book I'll love. Bring me unique flowers, like orchids or gardenias. Find out what doll or toy or experience I wanted when I was a little girl, and make my dream come true. Don't give a gift that any girl will love. Give a gift that I will love.

Be respectful and kind to everyone, including your annoying little sibling and your overprotective, demanding mom and the stray cat that I love that you say has fleas.

Do not, under any circumstances, refer to any female as “hot.” That includes me. You can say that the actress is attractive, so long as you say it in a neutral tone. I, on the other hand, should be told admiringly either a sincere, specific compliment (“You have the longest eyelashes, sweetheart”) or called a dignified, respectful term such as “gorgeous” or “beautiful.” Even “You look very pretty tonight” is better than “Wow, ur hot!!” Got it?

Never ask me if I'm PMSing, even if it's likely that I am. If I am on or approaching my period, I will probably stab you with a tampon. If I'm not, I'll just hit you.

Treat me kindly, even when I don't deserve it.

Don't judge me too harshly, and please forgive me for the times when I judge you.

Look at me with that softness in your eyes, that warmth and kindness and gentle admiration. I will melt, no matter how angry or sad or emotional I am, because with that look I can see how much you truly do care.

Never hit me. Don't hit any woman. Ideally, don't hit anyone except males your own age who really, really deserve it.

If you respect me, know that I respect you and treat yourself with respect also. Don't drink to excess, don't do drugs, and never drive irresponsibly. I've given you my heart, so treat yourself kindly. You carry a treasure.

So you'll never understand me, or anyone with two X chromosomes. It's okay. Love me anyway, as best you can.

Listen to me. Even when I don't seem like I need to talk or have anything important to say, ask to make sure. Let me know that whenever I need to talk, you're there.

Confide in me. Trust me. Know that I wouldn't do anything to hurt you.

If I do hurt you, presumably unintentionally, let's talk about it. Don't let it fester; let's address the problem, so we can fix it.

If I matter to you, show me. Don't worry if you can't tell me. Words are often empty anyway.

Don't let me leave after a screaming match, and don't you walk away either. Let's stay, fight it out, and stick together until we can part peaceably, with some sort of a compromise.

Don't give up. Rough times will come, and the spark will go out, but have enough faith to know that it will come back. When you want more out of the relationship, put more in. Talk to me. Let me know what you need, because I will gladly do anything in my power to help you and make you smile.

Please.