Fairly Heroic
serpentynepearl

Act One

A processional march plays as the Queen of Fairies walks across from stage left to the far stage right, where she sits down at her throne. Prince Gabriel follows her, and kneels before the Queen, bowing and then rising. Music ends.

Queen of Fairies: (haughty, self-righteous) So, Prince Gabriel, you have officially become of age to take the throne, though your father still lives. However, there are still some requirements you need to prove that you have fulfilled before you are considered the next heir. (takes out and unrolls list, which goes off on the floor) First off, are you handsome?

Prince Gabriel: (arrogantly) Hello, just look at me! (flips hair) I am the epitome of elegance, the face of fashion, the pinnacle of prepossessing—

QF: (cutting off Prince) –the embodiment of egotism. (smirk) To continue… intelligence?

PG: Queenie, if you can’t tell, my last answer was totally the dictionary definition of “hot.” Of course I’m intelligent. (sticks out chest)

QF: Yeah, well, it’s buried real deep down there. (glances at list again) Are you heroic?

PG: I saved a duck from drowning. (cheesy smile)

QF: Well, I suppose you’re a hero to the duck. (shrugs, checks off list) Poor thing, it doesn’t have any standards.

PG: (indignantly) HEY!

QF: (ignoring outburst) And finally… have you experienced true love?

PG: How can a guy like me not experience true love? I mean, I’m handsome, intelligent, heroic, of course I’m lovable. (strikes a pose)

QF: Describe, please. (wicked smile)

PG: (suddenly uncomfortable) Yeah, well… (shifts around) It was a long, long time ago….

QF: (raises eyebrow) Yes?

PG: Well, I had just come back to the kingdom after I was, well, gone a long time.

As Prince is speaking, a second Prince comes out to center stage as stately march plays.

PG: My father decided to hold a ball, in hopes that I would find a suitable wife.

King comes out, portly and jolly-like, clapping Prince on the back.

King: Well, my boy, you’re officially a man! (chuckles heartily) I’ve decided to hold a ball, in hopes that you’ll find a suitable wife!

PG: So, tra-la-la, at the ball, I dance with all the girls, but, you know, none of them are the “One.” (nods importantly) That is, until… her. (sighs dramatically)

At center stage, Cinderella comes out and twirls. The Prince goes up to her and says,

Prince Charming: Hey… (sidling up close). You know, Heaven’s a long ways away from here. Did it hurt when you fell?

Cinderella: (giggles) Oh, you!

Cinderella and Prince dance while orchestra plays waltz.

PG: She was cute, real cute--almost as cute as me, but of course, nobody can match this (indicates self). I really, really was in love with her, but then…. (sighs dramatically)

Suddenly, clock chimes twelve times.

CE: Oh no, I have to go! (runs away, leaving behind shoe) I’m sorry, good-bye!

PC: Nooo!! (drops to knees, crawls to shoe, exits sobbing)

QF: Well… that certainly was interesting, but I’m afraid it doesn’t fulfill the requirements.

PG: How is that not true love? I was heartbroken for weeks!

QF: Did you ever look for her?

PG: Uh, no. This face has better things to do than just “look around.” (makes air quotes)

QF: Do you know her name?

PG: We… never got around to that aspect of knowing each other.

QF: Where’s the shoe?

PG: On… my dresser?

QF: I have to admit, it was very touching. (dabs at eyes with handkerchief) There is, however, one little glitch.

PG: What’s that?

QF: (stands up, glaring and yelling) YOU’RE NOT PRINCE CHARMING.

PG: (sheepishly scratches his head, backing away a bit) Ah heh heh… yeah, well… that wasn’t my only experience of true love!

QF: (sits back down) Mmhmm. (very sarcastically)

PG: A long, long time ago, I was riding through the forest one day in a kingdom far, far away….

The Prince rides around the stage on wooden stick with horse head attached on end as a riding theme plays in the background.

PG: There, in the forest, I came upon the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen, lying on the ground, asleep, surrounded by seven dinky children.

Snow White, on ground, is still as the Seven Dwarfs gather around her.

PG: So, I went up to her, and in true, chivalrous fashion:

The Prince kneels and kisses her, and Snow White sits up.

The Prince: Hey, babe, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U (points to SW) and I (points to self) together. (winks)

Snow White: (giggles) Oh, my!

The Prince helps her up, and they ride off together.

Dwarf: (looks around confusedly) What about us?

Dwarves shrug and walk off stage.

PG: We hung out at the castle for a bit, but then her social worker stopped by to tell her that her evil stepmother was dead and she was off to foster care. (shrugs) I never saw her again.

QF: I’m not even going to bother asking you questions. First off, that was Snow White, and she married The Prince (emphasizing the “The”, because that prince really doesn’t have a name), not you.

PG: No, that was a different girl.

QF: She was DEAD.

PG: Oh, really? Eww, that would’ve been gross. How’d she die?

QF: If you really did love her, you’d know.

PG: (shrugs it off) Ah well… examples of true love count, don’t they?

QF: No, they don’t. I’m sorry, but before you can become king, you’ve got to experience true love. And just because you’ve lied to me, I’m adding that you’ve also got to be a true hero; saving a duck is not heroic.

PG: (shocked, indignant) HOW am I not kingly material? You Queenie are one messed up fairy monarch, because I am the best-looking creature to stand before you—you CANNOT say I am not fit to be king—(tirade goes on, QF looks bored)

Suddenly, all the lights go off and the orchestra plays dramatic music. The lights reappear, showing PG cowering and whimpering in the corner while, at stage center, a dark figure holds the QF hostage.

Evil Villain: I’ve got you now! (evil cackle)

QF: Dude, that’s so cliché.

EV: (turns to QF) I work with what I’ve got, now be quiet. (turns back to audience) Now, you will no longer be able to order me around like you do all the other insipid fools! (sweeps off, dragging QF)

PG: (crawls out, swinging head back and forth) Is it safe? Oh gosh, thank goodness it is! (pulls out mirror and fixes hair, crooning) Don’t you look pretty, yes you do! (preens)

A violin melody suddenly cuts through PG’s mutterings; the Angelic Embodiment, dressed all in white, comes out playing a violin.

Angelic Embodiment: Hey, Prince Gabe! (uses bow and prods PG to get attention)

PG: Ow. (turns, puts mirror in back pocket) Who’re you?

AE: (importantly) I am your—

PG: (excitedly) Oohh! I know who you are!! This happens in the movies all the time—you’re my “good half”!

AE: (put out) I prefer the term “Angelic Embodiment,” thank you very much, and I am most certainly not your “good half;” I doubt your brain’s even have a good half and a bad half—it’s all probably just consumed with thoughts about yourself. (sniffs disapprovingly)

PG: Well, what’re you doing here if you don’t wanna be here? (self-righteously)

A viola line bursts out from offstage; the Demonic Embodiment, dressed in red, comes out playing viola and dancing.

Demonic Embodiment: He/She’s just here to tell you that this is your opportunity to go off on some lame quest and go rescue the Queen of Fairies, but how dorky is that?

PG: Yeah, pretty dorky.

DE: I mean, it’s so much better to use your time to declare yourself the King of Fairies, and then we can all go off and burn violins. (laughs evilly) I mean, isn’t that a much better use of your time? (waggles eyebrows suggestively)

PG: That does sound awesome…. (takes a step towards DE)

AE: Oh no you don’t! (crouches into fighting stance, raising violin higher) You side with the Demonic Embodiment, and I’ll attack you with my violin!

DE: (holds up viola) Oh yeah?

PG: (looking between the two, speaks to AE) You know… (points to DE) his is bigger. (sidles next to DE)

AE: But don’t you want to do the good thing? Go off on the quest, rescue the fair maiden, become a hero?

DE: Oh, please, good, schmood. (talking to AE) You’re just being mean because you didn’t get into the first violins, but ooh la la, seconds are still better than violas! (prances around) NOT. (pulls down eyelid and sticks out tongue)

AE: (at DE) You leave orchestra out of this! (at PG) Anyway, the point is, you’ve got to decide whether you’re going to make the right decision, and save the Queen, or you go off wreaking havoc and become infamous.

PG: I don’t know… it seems like a lot of work to go and save the Queen, I mean, I don’t even like her.

AE: If you succeed, I’ll guarantee you you’ll never have a bad hair day ever again.

PG: (immediately runs over to AE, shakes hand) Deal!

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

A/N: I hope you lot enjoyed this; it’s much different from what I usually do. Obviously, I love the name Gabriel. XD Anyway, Acts Two and Three will be coming up soon, as the whole complete thing is due by Monday, so I will upload those as soon as they pop into my head. Suggestions for further questing by the “epitome of elegance,” will be much appreciated, though. teehee

Long story short, there is a big moolah every Halloween at my school, where a big show by the orchestra is set up. Everything is organized by the students after our teacher gives us the theme (this year it's "Heroes, Heroines, and Superheroes"), including the story and dialogue, and this year has been especially blessed for me, at least. I was a narcoleptic valley girl who lost her satellite and got run over by a wheelchair-imbibed mermaid last year (the theme was Disney; I was "Sleeping Beauty," and the mermaid, you can guess, was Ariel), so making the switch from injured actress to possible playwright seemed like a pretty good idea, albeit it was required that everyone turn in a script.

It's not definite, my script for the Spooktacular show, but it was one of the finalists chosen. I'm working on Acts Two and Three to be submitted for enactment, so those will be uploaded soon.

Anyway, please review!