title: goodbye, the closure i never wrote six months ago

you call me so
fucking ungrateful.
i will call you on it.
why have you held onto us,
when you were the one who
initiated the end
not once, but twice?
people told me you would
regret what you did –
obviously, people were right.
but i can tell you,
that second time
i didn't waste a single night
crying over you.
i fought one last upsurge of
Darkness
and he's been silence since.

i felt so fucking inadequate.

you showered pretty words on me –
then took a break because
the pressure, you couldn't handle it –
you needed to date other girls.
i want you to know
there were a lot of people
who wanted to rip you
limb from limb for that.
i thought i knew you
until then.
it wasn't ever the same.
so many people thought i
shouldn't have taken you back
but – what could i do?
i felt dependent, weak

i – dare i say it – needed you.
and i think you fucking knew it.
i felt exploited.
used.
the girl you came back to
because you knew she would
take you – because she kept
her promise, when you didn't.
you knew me that well, at least.
well enough to take advantage.
i felt like nothing to you
by then.
you would argue
but i did come back –
damage already done.
mistakes you can't take back.
you fucking knew.
how fragile i was, how easy
it would be for me
to snap back to the way i was before.
and well, you did it
anyway.

quite the antithesis of what
you planned this relationship to mean
wasn't it?

i fought for us to meet.
to try to save the ship wreck i
felt coming –
i thought, if only we
could touch –
but no. disaster lay
that way, too. more heartache.

you left me.

true – had you not ended it,
that monday night in march,
i would have.
we didn't talk like we used to.
we didn't love like we used to.
i started to doubt, the seeds
planted in december
growing, thriving.
the distance between us -
between our souls, not
our bodies – killed me.
To think.
To think that I'd once believed us
two parts of one whole.
and now, i felt that
i loved a stranger.
yes – i moved on after it was over.
god damn it – what did
you want me to do?
pine for you?
miss you, when nothing
nothing could work between us?
in other words – do
what you did?
no.

look where it got you.
you're unhappy.

i fell in love again.
a best friend –
my parents hated him
(not sure you ever liked
him all that much, either).
he swore to me that
"nothing they do can scare me away" –
he withstood everything.
loved me when he'd thought himself
incapable of love.
i had to trust him, even so newly wary.
i still had faith.
Darkness had nothing on me.

humanity, not perfect
but basically good nonetheless.

he held on.
kept his promises.
was there when i needed him.
never "liked" another girl while
we were together.
never wanted a "break."

six months.
i know him.
i trust him.
i love him.
i am content with us.
content with being his.

i moved on long ago.

funny – i planned to write
this, after we broke up.
decided i didn't need to.
now, it's just in the hopes
that you'll move on
and leave me alone
(we can mutually vanish from
one another's lives forever now)
that i write.
we weren't supposed to be.
there's someone else out there
more suited to you
than i was.

i'm sorry, that you think i'm
so
fucking
ungrateful.
(but i think your
opinion
stopped mattering to me
so very long ago.)

so, this is
the closure i never wrote
six months ago.

goodbye.