A Ninja/Pirate Battle of Epic Description (And an amount of footnotes biblical in size)

Part I

As these things happen, a gang of ninjas and a crew of pirates decided to have a war. It is not known who the instigator was, or even if there was one, but the decision was unanimous. “We’re going to war.” The pirate crew shouted to each other in one of their local pubs, as they were downing their daily mug of some form of alcoholic liquid. Some yelled back the question “Why?” It was more ritual than anything, but the pirates hoisted up their mugs and yelled “Because they’re ninjas!”

Pirates must imbibe alcohol at least once every day. It does not matter how much is consumed, or even what type, so long as a pirate has at least one drop per day, he will be fine. A typical ninja torture method is to dangle a bottle of wine just out of reach of pirates, causing their last few hours to be spent agonizingly trying to jump high enough to grab the bottle. Few make it. And when they find only water in the bottle, they usually just die of disappointment.

The ninjas were pretty much the same, except without the shouting or the alcohol or the humiliating bar games. The ninjas, who always are prepared and fully armed, set off right away, using their ninja-ability of flying to make it to the battlefield.

One of these was to hold a mug of beer in your mouth, and contrive to drink the liquid within it without spilling a drop. It was quite difficult, more so, when inebriated. The only person to ever succeed at this was the pirate Spudmouth, and, well, the less said about that particular incident, the better.

This was because ninjas do not use boats, ever. They make an effort not to have anything in common at all with pirates. Besides, if they’re on a boat, their fighting abilities get dampened. Kind of like a reverse field bonus, if you get my drift. If not, well, by all rights, you shouldn’t really be reading this. To circumvent the use of boats, the ninjas invented flying.

The pirates, too drunk to find their way to any rendez-vous, simply waited on their ship. The ninjas had long ago discovered that pirates were incredibly inept at finding the designated battlefields, and this had caused many an ambush to go awry. So now all fighting occurred strictly on the pirate ships. This, of course, gives the pirates a field bonus, but that just gives the ninjas all the more to boast about when they whupp the pirates, and it gives them an excuse for when they themselves get beaten.

Unless, of course, the ninjas come across the pirates in the middle of a raid. Then it gets pretty complicated. There are many by-laws and footnotes and excepctions in the Big Book of Ninja/Pirate conflicts. Indeed, there are several mathematical processes for working out advantages and probabilities and that sort of thing during ninja/pirate battles. The mathematicians behind these, however, are seriously under funded, as the government has yet to recognize the importance of ninjas and pirates (A foolish error, indeed, as there are theories - specifically created by the worshippers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - that the decrease in pirates nowadays has lead to global warming. On the other hand, ninjas and pirates alike prefer to stay in the shadows, as they find they get taxed less this way).

I’d go into further detail, but it’s far too complicated. Don’t believe me? Here goes, then: First of all, the simple fact that the pirates are on a ship gives them a field bonus (if this ship is surrounded by water, the bonus is increased). If it’s night-time, the ninjas get a field bonus, because they can hide better with their 1337 ninja skillz. If there are lots of ropes hanging about, the ninjas will be disadvantaged, as they must avoid these when flying about. The drunker the pirates, the greater their field bonus, to counter-act the loss of fighting ability (they are less affected by injuries when drunk, though). If there is only one ninja, his fighting ability is greatly enhanced, but if there are more, then this bonus gets distributed throughout all ninjas present (it’s just like that). And finally, if there are any elves around, they get a field bonus for standing on wood (though this depends on whether or not the wood is elven wood, or possesses elven characteristics). At this point, most mathematicians commit ritual suicide, so any further externalities the battlefield has on combatants are unknown.

This part of the sentence is, of course, only for the benefit of pirate-enthusiasts (A pox on you, and your kind!). Despite popular beliefs, ninjas never lose. Ever. If a ninja has lost a battle, then he is not a ninja, but an impostor.

Part II

Now, oh joy oh joy, the battle may begin! The air was very tense. You could smell it. Well, that and the alcohol on the pirates’ breath.

Skipping the preliminary, explanatorily chapter is dangerous to your health, and can be fatal. Reckless, teenager readers try to be cool and skip Part I, but they’re all dead now (I tried to warn you, Timmy! Why, oh why did you not listen?).

Alcohol breath is quite deadly. Not in its pure, unprocessed form, but add fire, and viola! Instant flamethrower. Speaking of fire, it was a sort of taboo in ninja/pirate wars. Ninja cloth, although incredibly sturdy, is highly flammable. Luckily for them, the pirates’ wooden limbs are also a fire hazard. As the pirate Shortbeard once said “Handy if you’re in need of warmth, or light, but otherwise, flaming limbs are just plain nuisances.”

The lookout yelled. It was night, of course, so the ninjas got their own field bonus, because it was incredibly hard to spot a black-garbed ninja flying through the night like death incarnate. For normal people, that is. And pirates are hardly normal. After a millennia spent fighting mostly ninjas, pirates have developed incredibly keen eye sight (lookouts especially…some attributed them X-Ray vision, but that is largely superstition. Then again, they ARE pirates…and rising cancer rates amongst the ninja populace speak for this theory), second only to that of the ninjas themselves.

The pirates’ ill-fated fight against their failing libido is another story entirely. This weakness is generally caused by the wild lifestyles of hedonism, but, as the saying amongst pirates goes, “You live by the sword, you die by the sword.” Feel free to interpret the word “sword” as you will. They certainly do.

Ninjas had invented laser-eye surgery ages ago, which is why they have such incredible eye-sight. They withheld their invention from the world mostly to prevent pirates from using it, or developing laser-weapons of their own. Nowadays, as the secret of lasers are common, there are a few technological pirates with laser-weapons. These few, by major consensus, pwn.

So the ninjas were spotted before they attacked, robbing them of the element of surprise. The battle had begun.

Contrary to popular belief, this element is also called Magnesium, and is an Alkali Earth Metal. It’s true. Ask any chemistry teacher about it.

The ninjas swarmed upon the ship like…well…a swarm of flying ninjas. Anticipating this, the pirates had thrown all their ropes up into the rigging, so most ninjas were forced to land on the deck in order to fight, only displaying small feats of levitation in order to avoid sword strokes, or to add extra-thrust to their lunges. Which is still totally awesome.

Ninja similies are rare, as ninjas are so unlike anything else in this universe.

Small battles broke out everywhere. The lookout, being somewhat restricted by the little space he had, was furiously firing his machine-gun at a particularly swift ninja, and had yet to hit him.

Usually, pirates are restricted to old fashioned gun-powder hand-pistols, but lookouts were the exception, as they had no room to duel with anyone. It was a rule, however, that the gun be adorned with many different knick-knacks and should be differently coloured, in the spirit of pirate-uality. This particular gun had been spray-painted completely golden, and had a few key-chains attached, which rattled and jingled loudly whenever he fired.

Some of these key-chains were hollow, and filled with some sort of moonshine, so the occasional slosh of blindness-inducing alcohol was also to be heard.

Smoke-bombs went off left right and centre…soon enough, the combatants’ eyesight was restricted to only a few metres in front of them. Bullets flew through the air, but only a few ninja stars were thrown… many a battle had been lost by a carelessly thrown shuriken that had sunk the boat the battle had been on.

Ninjas can see through smoke much better than any pirates could. But the pirates’ swarm of parrots were busily fluttering their wings and wafting the smoke off the ship, all the while dodging shuriken and dive-bombing ninjas. In ninja circles, getting pooped on by a pirate parrot is the worst humiliation possible. In battle, one might die, one might lose a few limbs, but if one was shat upon then one was dead to the ninja clan. Most shat-upon ninjas kill themselves in shame, or climb high mountains and become kung-fu monks.

By the birds, of course. The only other creature that has managed to poop on a ninja was the pirate Sloppy Joe. The entire clan commited seppukku after that incident. The pirates, on the other hand, weren’t too impressed by Joe’s actions, either. Even pirates have some semblance of etiquette.

Once a pirate is in the water, it is impossible for a ninja to kill him. It is the ultimate field-bonus. That said, once a pirate is in the water, he usually won’t come out until the battle is over, and even the most sturdy pirate can still drown, or die of hyperthermia, so this situation is usually avoided. It’s another reason why fire is rarely used in these sorts of battles.

The battle was fairly routine, shuriken vs bullets, ninja-blade vs pirate falchion, the usual. There had only been a few casualties, so far, and they were spread out rather evenly between the two groups.

More fair a match than you might think. Ninjas can do bullet time, whilst pirates cannot, due to their drunkenness, the louts.

Then something happened that was quite out of the ordinary, something which makes this story rather special. I’m sure you hear about ninja/pirate conflicts on the late news all the time (or not, if you don’t get cable), but this tale is something quite different. For now, we introduce the third party.

Unbeknownst to either ninjas or pirates, something was beneath the ship. It was the enemy of all, and many legends had grown about this unique creature…it was certainly fearsome.

That’s a first. And no, it’s not Ctulhu.

Silently, the colossus rose out of the water, and instantly the fighting stopped. Both pirates and ninjas sensed the creature, and, as one, they spun around, facing it.

Body of indestructible adamantium….four huge metallic claws…face that was half-human, half cyborg…red-eyes…both ninjas and pirates, for the first time, experienced fear. This was a creature of pure evil, of ultimate power.

It was Mecha-Hitler.

IMG III

It was quite a conundrum. Ninjas, as you may well now, cannot run. They are incapable of fleeing. It is either win, or die. And ninjas don’t die easily. But Mecha-Hitler was…Mecha-Hitler. Indestructible. What was the point of attacking it? The ninjas hung back for a moment, when Mecha-Hitler’s mechanical arm whipped out and grabbed a ninja in mid-air, crushing him instantly, so that a reddish goop dripped out between Mecha-Hitler’s metallic fingers. So the ninjas attacked, swarming upon the metal leviathan, slashing with their swords, and doing their best to avoid Mecha-Hitler’s bone-crushing mecha-arms.

A creature of Mecha-Hitler’s power does not, of course, only have bone-crushing mecha-arms. For a full list of Mecha-Arms deadly, deadly abilities, you will have to ask your local librarian. I will just say that his arsenal included an inordinate amount of edged weapons, flame-throwers, machine-guns, and even rocket-launchers; it is even said that he has a giant rubber hammer he uses to humiliatingly bludgeon any enemies he might have.

I.e. everyone and thing in existence.

For the pirates, of course, there was no conundrum. Well, at least, not at first. They instantly retreated back to the centre of their ship, where they watched the ninjas battle the legendary creature. A few took half-hearted shots at it with their pistols, but these had as little effect upon Mecha-Hitler than the ninjas’ blades did.

That is to say, none. Mecha-Hitler’s metal-armour is the hardest substance in the known universe. Painstakingly developed in a top-secret nazi moonbase over several decades, the armour was completely indestructible.

But when Mecha-Hitler flew up onto the ship, and landed in the middle of the deck - the wood cracking beneath his enormous weight so that only his torso showed - the pirates were forced to act. Their ship was sacred; not even the ninjas tried sinking them. With howling screams, they ran at the giant metal nazi, a few climbing onto the randomly hanging ropes that bedecked the deck, and swinging around on these, making them quite a bit harder to hit.

With one of his many inbuilt jet-packs, of course.

Because, as I previously explained, water + pirates teh pwn.

Now ninjas and pirates, as this story has painstakingly tried to show you, are rather skilled. But even when they combined their forces, a nearly unheard of event, they simply could not hurt Mecha-Hitler.

The ninjas and the pirates had once before joined, creating the elite fighting group known as the ninjapirates, to battle another legendary foe: Super Mario. They did manage to eventually hurl the burly Italian into the ocean, which quenched his terrible fireballs, but he was not defeated, oh no…he had an extra life, see.

Oh, sure, they irritated him. With so many people swarming around him, attacking him, he had a heard time focusing on single creatures and killing them. Smoke-bombs clouded his vision, as did bird-shit, but he was, after all, Mecha-Hitler. As a human, not even the combined might of the Allies had been enough to kill him. As a cyborg, this feat was a good deal harder to pull off, so the Allies didn’t even bother.

The pirates were dropping like flies. They lacked the agility of the ninjas, and were hindered by their non-ability to fly. So they took to the water, attacking the behemoth from below, whilst their temporary ninja allies attacked from above.

And the skill, talent, deadlyness, and pretty much everything ninjas have going for them. The full list of their abilities is hidden at the end of Pi.

In water, so the saying goes, pirates pwn, whilst in the air, the ninjas pwn. On land, the pwnage is equally distributed amongst the two groups.

Mecha-Hitler hadn’t suffered any damage yet. The same was not true for the ninjas and pirates, however. Corpses littered the remains of the deck, and the mood in the air was grim. The giant seemed undefeatable.

They never are, of course. You’ll see. Read on.

But then a young ninja named Noirotsu had a brilliant idea. In World War II, he remembered, the combined might of the Allies hadn’t been enough to kill Hitler. He had killed himself in the end.

And was re-born on the nazi moon base, and given a metal body, blah blah blah. You know. If you don’t, I suggest you consult your government. They ought to have provided a pamphlet of some kind.

So, Noirotsu reasoned, Mecha-Hitler did have ONE weakness. He might be indestructible to all weapons, but was he also indestructible against himself?

The brilliant young ninja landed on Hitler’s giant face, and started stabbing at his eyes. They had been replaced by metal, of course, but he stabbed nonetheless.

Mecha-Hitler’s huge red eyes focused upon young Noirotsu. Centuries of solitude and immortality had turned the former Führer quite insane. So instead of, say, burning the ninja to a crisp with his eye-lasers, he chose his giant rubber hammer.

The very same lasers that had once levelled Atlantis in about five minutes. Tragic.

The huge black rubber hammer came out of a hatch in Mecha-Hitler’s chest, and a long metal handle unfurled itself, preparing to strike. Noirotsu continued stabbing, perfectly aware of the incoming threat. He was a ninja, after all. Omnipotent, remember?

The 10-tonne hammer hurled towards the small ninja with enough force to sink the Titanic, and smashed Mecha-Hitler right in the face. Young Noirotsu, unfortunately, was crushed to a tiny pulp, which, in turn, was crushed into even tinier pulp, but at least he managed the impossible before he went out.

Which it did. And once it was sunk, Mecha-Hitler pulled it back up to the surface, patched up the hole, and then sank it again.

It is a ninja requirement that you have to do something thought to be impossible at least once before dying. If a ninja hasn’t done something impossible yet, he is immortal.

The hammer struck Hitler’s face so hard, his mechanical legs exploded. The failing Mecha-Hitler stared in disbelief at his legs, before his black eyes went dark, and he slipped down into the dark, cold abyss that is the ocean.

Another neat phrase I considered inserting here instead is “that any children he may have had after this experience would have been born bruised”.

Was he dead? Perhaps. I’ll answer you once I calculate whether or not it’s worth writing a sequel.

The remaining ninjas and pirates stared at the spot that Mecha-Hitler had, until very recently, occupied, unmoving. An ill-wind struck the pirate ship, billowing the sails for a moment, and then suddenly, all was calm. Not a thing moved, everything was perfectly still, perfectly silent as the two groups contemplated the passing of one of the most powerful beings in the universe. Then of course, they began to fight each other again.