Attack of the Ninja

It all started one random day. Nothing special was happening, it was 3 PM, people were thinking about going home. It was, essentially, the most boring part of the day. This would soon change.

The trouble began on a crowded main street. And this trouble was of a particularly bizarre and utterly destructive nature. Some people, you see, just object to cars. They’re too loud, too smelly, too dangerous, or they simply cost too much. But never was there a person who voiced their complaints about cars so vehemently.

This particular individual was rather short, and was completely clad in black. And it held a sword in its hands. It was a ninja. And this ninja was standing in the middle of the street, using his sword to destroy the oncoming cars in various ways. He leapt onto the hood of one, and stabbed through the glass, instantly killing the driver inside, without spilling a drop of blood, or even cracking the glass. Had one inspected the car, one would have found a tiny slot, the only mark the sword had left. Unfortunately, the car, now driverless, plowed right into the back of a school bus which had previously been sliced in half by the ninja’s sword.

Using the flat of the blade, the ninja batted an oncoming van a few hundred meters to the left, into the side of a sky-scraper, where it remained lodged for quite some time, before falling down and crushing a wiener stall that happened to be standing there at the time. Ninjas aren’t too fond of wieners, either.

A truck was bearing down upon the small ninja, but it simply held the sword steady in front of it, and the truck was cut cleanly in two, both of its sides crashing into various other cars the ninja had already destroyed.

The ninja, growing tired of using the sword, drew a single ninja-star, and threw it at an oncoming car. The edged projectile sliced its way straight through the car – causing it to flip and land upon a small cat – and continued right on through the entire street of cars, cutting its way through no less than one hundred and fifty three vehicles (killing several hundred people in the process) before it smashed into the bottom of a skyscraper. The only reason it didn’t continue its path of destruction was simply because the entire skyscraper had fallen on it.

The police were called by random people who had witnessed the destruction. Their calls were promptly ignored. “small guy dressed in black cleaving through cars” was hardly a convincing crime to report. A young student had the sense to lie that a horde of terrorists had appeared, and were bombing the place with grenades. Two SWAT teams instantly arrived, armed to the teeth with various anti-terrorism weapons.

By this time, the mounds of destroyed cars and killed people was so high that the traffic had all but stopped. A crowd had begun to gather, though, because bloody and destructive events seem to fascinate the average human being. The arrival of the SWAT teams, however, caused an even bigger crowd to appear.

A SWAT officer approached the ninja warily, holding his rifle steadily.

“Drop the weapon!” He yelled, aiming for the ninja’s head. The ninja, as you might have guessed, was not amused. He leapt upwards, and seemed to disappear. The officer looked up, quite amazed, but couldn’t see the ninja anywhere. He had seemingly vanished into thin air. Either that, or he had flown up so high that he couldn’t be seen any more, like superman. The officer, usually a no-nonsense sort of guy, got the creeps.

The ninja, of course, didn’t fly away. It could have, had it wanted to, but flying away might be seen as “fleeing” and one thing a ninja never does is flee. No, this ninja just leapt up onto one of the skyscrapers so quickly that the human eye couldn’t follow it.

For perhaps a minute, all was quiet, and the SWAT teams had spread out, confused and requesting back-up. The officer was interviewing one of the members of the crowd when he was alerted to the ninja’s position by a horrendous groaning and tearing noise. He spun around just in time to see a skyscraper topple down sideways and crush both of the remaining SWAT units.

The army was, at this point, called in, but they were far too late. The ninja had already gone.

How, may you ask, does someone bring down an entire skyscraper, with your bare hands? The answer is this: with great difficulty. But ninjas are known for accomplishing difficult things.

What’s more interesting is the whereabouts of our ninja. Growing bored with the SWAT teams, he decided to see how quickly he could level this entire city. The ninja used a combination of domino tactics, his sword, and a handful of ninja stars to accomplish this leviathan task. It took him roughly ten minutes.

It then sat on top of the ruins and rubble of the once great city. Not because it was tired, but because the army was amassing, and it wished to give them a chance. A high-ranking general was sent in to negotiate.

“Hello.” He said. The ninja did not answer.

“We demand that you surrender at once, or we will fire.” He then said, after an uncomfortable moment. The ninja slowly drew its blade.

“Very well. Prepare to die.” Said the general, and walked away. By the time he reached his base, he dropped dead, because of the fatal sword stroke the ninja had delivered a few moments ago. He died without knowing why. It was only later, when an autopsy was made, that the coroner discovered the point at which the sword had pierced his heart.

The army began to fire. Bullets, missiles, mortar, all rained down upon the ninja. It quickly entered bullet time, and promptly dodged the first few rounds. It became increasingly difficult, so the ninja began to beat the bullets, missiles and mortar right back at the soldiers with its sword. It leapt up, caught hold of a mortar shell, and hurled it right back into the tank which had fired it, killing everyone inside and completely destroying it.

After about ten seconds, everyone within a kilometer of the ninja was dead. But the army was not to be defeated so lightly. A squad of jets did their best to reduce the ninja to a pile of ash, but the ninja calmly leapt up onto the missiles that were raining them, and disarmed them before they hit the ground as harmless hunks of metal. It then drew another ninja star, and managed to blow up all twelve jets with a single throw.

A helicopter was watching the entire time. The ninja let it, because it wanted to see what the army would next throw at him. A few minutes later, another helicopter appeared. It landed a few meters from the ninja, and a single figure stepped out.

It was a tall figure, dressed in a rough white cloth shirt, and baggy red pants which were held up by an old fashioned belt. Thrust through this was a falchion, a thick curved blade. The figure had one hook for a hand, wore a black triangular hat with a skull and cross bones symbol painted on it, and had an eye-patch on. It was a pirate.

The ninja hadn’t expected this. Nonetheless, it silently drew its sword and waited. The pirate grinned, showing golden teeth, and drew its falchion, before charging at the ninja, waving his sword furiously, and yelling the age-old battle cry of the pirates: “Arrrrrrrr!”

It was on. Each titanic sword-swing from the pirate was met by an equally powerful parry by the ninja’s slim blade, and each ninja-star was deflected by an equally accurate pistol-shot. The helicopter pilot watched, amazed, as the pair traded blows faster than the eye could see; he could only see a blur between the two opponents.

The ninja pulled out all stops. Smoke bombs, hovering, back-flips, even invisibility, the whole shebang. The pirate, however, countered with a customary parrot, foul-language, dirty fighting, and, of course, a cannon.

After about twenty minutes of this, the helicopter pilot had to retreat into the safety of his cockpit, as the fighting pair was causing the area around them to heat up incredibly through their speed and viciousness.

Quite suddenly, it all ended. A tall dark ninja suddenly landed next to the dueling pair, and they instantly stopped. Without speaking, the tall ninja conveyed his deepest apologies to the helicopter pilot (he refused to even look at the pirate) and explained that his youngest daughter had flipped out because she was tired of the same old meal of rice every day. It was natural, amongst ninjas, he explained, to flip out and destroy everything within sight when angered. It was part of the reason why ninjas are so awesome, he said. Then the pair of them flew off, and the pirate was dismissed, and given a large chest of gold for his trouble.

So all in all, things ended pretty well for most parties involved. Except for humanity, of course, which suffered the loss of one of its greatest cities, as well as thousands of lives. But Pirates and Ninjas don’t really care about that sort of thing; humanity isn’t an endangered species yet.