What to do in Case of Zombie Apocalypse

Part One: Where to Go

The first thing you do in case of a Zombie Apocalypse is hole up. Where would you go? Malls, while large, and stocked full of food and weapons and other supplies, are difficult to defend, because of the many entrances. Unless you have a large group of people and a lot of stuff you can use to barricade entrances, you probably don’t want to try it. Besides; malls are typically filled with people, which isn’t good. If the Zombie Apocalypse is due to infection, then all you need is one infected person and the everyone can turn into zombies. Or perhaps the mall is already full of zombies.

Where, then? A good hideout must be two things: easily defendable and well stocked. If it isn’t easily defendable, then you’ll get killed quickly by the brain-hungry corpses. If it isn’t well stocked, then you’ll have to leave it soon for supplies, which will also get you killed quickly by brain-hungry corpses.

So, how can you defend against zombies? They have numbers, they’re strong, they don’t sleep. But they’re stupid. Which is their main weakness. So, how to defend against them? Easy. Height. Think about it. How is a zombie gonna get you if you’re 3 meters up high? They can’t make ropes. They can’t use elevators. The only thing you have to worry about is them piling up on one another (and even then, you only need to worry about this if your building is relatively small. If it’s a 5-story apartment building, you’re in the clear) and stairs. So you want to head for schools, hospitals, or, my personal favorite, skyscrapers.

Schools, if they have cafeterias, are generally well stocked. With food, anyways. There are also plenty of chairs and tables which can be used for barricades. Another great thing about schools is that, after hours, they’re pretty much deserted. Sure, during the day they’ll be packed, but not during weekends or holidays or at night. And remember; less people means less chance of it being full of zombies when you arrive. But a big problem with schools is that they usually have a vast amount of entrances. And they might not be that big, height wise. But then again, this all differs from school to school. My old school, for instance, consisted of a bunch of containers on ground floor. And we didn’t have a cafeteria. So it wouldn’t be a good choice.

Hospitals! They have medical supplies, food, and probably a bunch of nifty things you can use as weapons, too. And they’re usually quite tall buildings, as well, which means that you have a lot of room, whilst only the ground floor, really, is in danger. The only problem with hospitals is that they tend to be full of people, all the time. Especially during a zombie outbreak. If it’s a disease, people will probably head towards the hospital, hoping for a cure. Heck, even if people are just wounded, they’ll just head there. Hence, the majority of these people will be ill, which will just be a burden when you’re fighting zombies. On the plus side, hospitals also tend to be full of doctors, which is always a good thing when there’s fighting to be done. Besides, there’s always the chance that they can find a cure for the infection (if there IS an infection) that is causing the zombie-itis.

Now, my favorite. Skyscrapers. If you think about it, they’re pretty much the biggest building there is. Space wise, I mean. Sure, malls are big, but if you laid out all the floors of a skyscraper you’d get a pretty huge building. And the zombies are only on the ground floor, really. At least, most of them. Skyscrapers are also full of supplies (if it’s a hotel, then it’ll have lots of food. If it’s an office building, it’ll probably have lots of food, anyway). And they’re waaay high up, which means you can easily send messages or set up a distress call or something. Another great thing about skyscrapers is that they don’t really have that many entrances. Sure, a hotel will probably have four or five entrances, but if those are too hard to defend, all you have to do is seal off the stairways and set up shop in the second floor instead of the first. Similarly, if the zombies break through your defenses, it’s quite easy to simply move up a level, and set up more defenses. If it’s a hotel, you’ll have literally hundreds of suites to hide in. They also usually have elevators, which are really helpful. Zombies don’t know how to use them, so they can be used for escaping, moving up levels, or even moving all the way down if you’re trapped.

But there are also cons to skyscrapers. For one, they also tend to be filled with people. And it’s a bitch to have to march through every floor, sweeping every room clear of zombies. If you miss one, they can jump out any moment and eat your brains. Or worse, infect you and everyone else in the building. If it is an infection. That said, if it’s an office building, then it’ll probably be pretty empty at night time. If it’s a hotel, well, at least the people will be relatively secure. I mean, zombies aren’t going to enter a hotel and search every single room. During the initial hours of a zombie apocalypse, the danger will be out in the streets, not indoors. It’s only later on that those indoors get attacked. Another con of hotels is that, if the zombies DO get in, there’s no place to go but up. If you’re forced to the very top, then there’s very few places left to run. That said, perhaps it’s possible to connect to other skyscrapers. Like, throwing ropes through windows or something. Or lowering yourself down to a lower building somehow. Or even just lowering yourself down to the streets with ropes. Hotels have lots of balconies; if you had a sturdy rope, you could easily lower yourself down from balcony to balcony.

There is one other thing that will defeat zombies: the sea. Not lakes, or rivers, but the SEA! Zombies can’t swim. But they also can’t drown. So if you’re sitting in the middle of a lake, chances are they’ll get to you, eventually (unless you’re living on an island between two raging rivers, or something). But the sea, well, not even zombies will be able to get you there. The way I figure it, if you’re on a boat, you’re pretty damn safe. Of course, eventually, you’ll run out of supplies. So even boats aren’t entirely zombie-proof. But then again, holing up in a skyscraper isn’t exactly going to last too long, either.

In the long term, it’s advisable to leave heavily populated places. If you live in a big city, it’ll be packed with zombies, and chances are you’ll get killed sooner or later. But out in the country? Up in some lonely mountain? Chances of survival are a damn sight larger, there.

Part Two: Defending yourself

I figure that once you’ve holed up, either one of two things will happen: You’ll get rescued (or the zombies will die of starvation, or old age, or something) or you won’t get rescued. If you’re rescued then you’ll probably be escorted away to some specially set up fortress in the mountains, manned by people who know how to keep out zombies a damn sight better than I do. So I won’t go into that.

If you are alone out there, or no one bothers to come save you, then you’ll have to do something by yourself. Your problem? The zombies. The Solution? Kill them. Eventually, you’ll have to go out for supplies. This is a lot easier if there are less zombies out there. In the long term, the zombies have to be defeated, anyways, if the human race is to survive. Complete eradication is a ridiculously slow process. In any half-decent city, you’ve already got a few thousand. Do not despair; keep killing them. Every dead zombie helps. It may take years to completely cleanse an area.

First up: zombies are not human. Anything human was eradicated when they became zombies. They are animals. Worse, they are animals using the body of humans. You are doing the former humans a favor by killing the zombies that reside in their bodies. If you meet a zombified family member, don’t hesitate to kill them. They are not who they once were. And I’m sure they’d want you to kill the zombie within them and live. Do not hesitate to kill them. Similarly, if one of your friends gets diseased, (or dies, and becomes a zombie) kill them without hesitation. If you yourself become infected, either commit suicide, allow others to kill you, or go out in a blaze of glory, taking out as many zombies as you can. Don’t be selfish about this. One mistake and everything can come tumbling down.

So, what weapon to use? If you’re very lucky, the zombies need constant sustenance to survive. If that is the case, simply hole yourself up and eventually they’ll resort to cannibalism (which is good for you) or they’ll just die of starvation (which is excellent for you). But in zombie fiction, this rarely happens. So on to actual weapons. Ideally, you’d have guns and grenades and explosives. Guns are incredibly useful, but shouldn’t be used as primary weapons. At least, not unless you’re sitting on a huge pile of ammunition. Even if you never miss, there are vast numbers of zombies out there. Your ammo will be gone a lot quicker than the zombies. Besides, in most cases, you won’t have guns. When zombies attack, you rarely have the chance to go out buying weapons. You’ll grab whatever you have, if you have anything, and hole up. At best, you’ll probably only have one or two firearms, with only a few bullets. Use them sparingly.

Explosives are surprisingly easy to make. Any type of flammable substance will help. Deodorant? Sure! Can of lighter fluid? Why not! Fertilizer, spray paint, petrol, flour, it’s all good. Zombies aren’t too bright, so it’s pretty much just a matter of piling up a bunch of explosives into some place, then attracting a bunch of zombies, setting the thing alight, and escaping. Heck, even just throwing a bottle of vodka with a burning rag stuffed into it will probably do some damage. But again, supplies are probably going to be limited, and these are ZOMBIES, not humans. Set a zombie alight, it’ll probably just come stumbling after you. If you trap them in a full blown blaze, excellent! But otherwise, a little bit of fire isn’t the best way to exterminate them.

My suggestion? A good club. Or even a knife. Swords would be better, of course, but hey, not too many of those around nowadays. Clubs and knives are easy to find in this day and age. Heck, even just a sharpened wooden stake might be good enough. Zombies are dead. They’re decomposing. If they’ve been dead for a while, it’ll probably be relatively simple to kill them. I’m assuming that to kill them you have to, quote, “remove the head or destroy the brain”. If that doesn’t kill them, then you’re pretty much doomed; no amount of clubbery will ensure your survival.

The problem, of course, is that in order to use clubs and knives you have to get close. If it’s an infection, then that’s not something you want to do. It’s not something you want to do anyways. If you miss, they may just bite out your jugular. So my suggestion is: use a spear! A long spear. Grab a knife, some strong tape (or rope), and a broom handle. Put them together and you have a spear. Heck, you could even just sharpen a broom handle. Easy to make, easy to use. Sure, they’re probably not that sturdy, but it’s all you’ve got, for the moment.

But even armed with a sturdy, long spear, it’s still you versus a really huge amount of the undead. Hence, I suggest climbing up to some hard to reach place, and stabbing down. Get some friends to harness you up and lower you down the side of a building. Or if you’ve got a long enough spear, just stand on the balcony and stab down. Or tie a rope to it, and harpoon the bastards. Or you can resort to throwing stuff. Offices are full of heavy binders and ledgers. Thrown well enough, they can crack your head open. There. Done. Take a few of ‘em out. That should give you a bit of breathing space.

Once you’ve thinned the population a little, it’s time to head out. Take some friends; you’ll need them. And take lots of weapons. You’ll need them too. If your spear gets stuck in a zombie and you can’t pull it out, or if it simply breaks, make sure you have another on your person. Or use actual firearms as back up weapons.

Head to a car. If you’re lucky, the streets will be relatively clear. If not, well, shit. You’ll have to make do with what you have. Grab a large car. Or a truck. And then you start mowing down those motherfuckers. Take out as many as you like. But keep an eye on your gas tank and drive safely. If you crash, they’ll swarm you in an instant. Now. Head for someplace with supplies. A hospital or shopping centre. Grab all the food and weapons you can, and then get out. Do not hesitate. Do not go looking for family or friends. They are almost certainly dead. You can also attempt just leaving the city and heading to a less densely populated place and holing up there; it’d make life a lot more easy.

That pretty much concludes this essay. I don’t really have anything more to say, except this: Be prepared. And be cautious. And good luck.