Chapter 2

Burt called that night and every night after for a month. I never took the calls, not because I was angry with him, but because I was ashamed of what I’d done, how I’d acted. I thought if I answered the phone then I would have to hear him say how ashamed he was to call me his friend. And I would have deserved it, anything he said to me. I had been a jerk, the worst friend in the world. I didn’t deserve his friendship anymore.

My mom tried to talk to me about it, but it was too awkward. We had never talked before; it was too late to start now. Besides, she had her own problems with dad to deal with. He was barely ever home because of his job, and they were constantly arguing. She let me drown in sorrow alone for the first few weeks.

It was Kamryn who dragged me out of my misery, hit me over the head until I couldn’t pretend to be asleep anymore.

“Come on, Piper. It’s a Friday afternoon, finally the weekend. You’re coming to Roberto’s with us,” she said, three weeks after Burt had left for Kentucky. She no longer believed me about Burt. She thought he was someone I’d made up to avoid hanging out with her, and I didn’t correct her. I preferred to pretend he had been made up.

So I went to Roberto’s. I sat between Kamryn and Andrew in a red plastic booth, ate anchovy pizza on red and white checkered plates. Carley couldn’t stop making comments about how disgusting it looked and Mona rolled her eyes so many times that I thought they would just fall out of her head and keep on rolling off the table. The whole time I wondered how Burt would like anchovy pizza, and I had the urge to ask if Roberto’s served sweet pickles and candy corn.

It became part of my life, Fridays at Roberto’s. Just like Kamryn, Carley, Mona, and Andrew became parts of my life. I used my digital camera to take pictures of us hanging out, Andrew usually with his arms draped around at least two of us girls, a goofy grin on his face. Carley’s smile was always the biggest, her hair crazily curled around her face. Mona’s was a twitch of the mouth, the one corner of her lips curving upward, so slight you had to know her as a friend to realize it was as smile. Kamryn’s smile was the most sincere, her crooked tooth making it even brighter. And mine…my smile always seemed fake to me, my mouth too wide like I was trying too hard. But maybe I was the only one who noticed.

Slowly, Burt slipped from my mind until he was like a leaf in the fall, beautiful until it grows brown and tumbles from the tree. I raked it up with the rest of the dead leaves and stored it in the back of my mind.

Two months after he’d gone, a month after he’d stopped calling me every night, Kamryn invited me over to her house for a sleepover. It would be my first one ever. I wondered what types of things we did at sleepovers, if we would play Truth or Dare, watch movies about love and eat popcorn, like in the books I’d read.

It turns out that I was the subject of that sleepover. When I walked into Kamryn’s bedroom, which was covered in posters of guys I’d never seen before, I immediately noticed that clothes and makeup were spread out all over the floor. I took a step back towards the door, but Carley grabbed my arm.

“I don’t think so. You get the Queen’s chair tonight, so sit down.”

“The Queen’s chair?” I asked apprehensively, imagining an execution block.

Instead, Kamryn dragged a bright pink, furry chair to where all the makeup was and set it down. “Sit here,” she commanded.

Having no choice, I sank down into the plush fabric. I’m sure I looked as if I was expecting the sides to suddenly snap up and swallow me.

Mona arrived not long after I did, and she raised her eyebrows when she saw me sitting in the chair, Carley hovering over me like a guard keeping its prisoner in line.

“Did you bring it?” Kamryn asked Mona, and I sank further back into the chair.

“Yeah.” Mona dug around in her overnight duffel bag and brought out some sort of box that I couldn’t see from where I was.

“Then we’re ready to start,” Kamryn said, all business. “Let’s go, girls.”

She brought the box over and my eyes widened as I saw what it was.

“You’re going to dye my hair?”

“No, silly, we’re going to enhance your natural color,” Kamryn said breezily. “Now, we’re going to have to move into the bathroom for this part.”

It actually didn’t take that long to “enhance my natural color.” They wouldn’t let me look in the mirror the whole time, and afterwards they wrapped my hair in a towel so that I couldn’t sneak a peek at it. They then marched me out to the chair, and I found myself being poked and prodded all over my face.

“You’re a cool skin tone,” Carley said, studying my skin. “And you’re lucky, you’ve got great eyelashes. You won’t need much mascara.”

I kept my mouth shut during this whole process for fear of looking like an idiot…I had never worn makeup before. Looking at all of the different makeup they had in front of me, I didn’t think I could have figured it out by myself, anyway. Apparently there were only certain shades you were supposed to use for certain skin types, there was a specific brush for everything, and don’t even get me started on how many different colors of eyeshadow there were…it was almost as overwhelming as my first day of school.

After the makeup, Mona took the towel off my hair. When I saw the scissors in her hand I think I nearly screamed.

“Calm down, Piper,” Mona sighed impatiently. “I won’t make you look like an idiot, I promise.”

As she made the first cuts, I closed my eyes. Even though I still had the feeling that Mona secretly despised me, I knew I could trust her…at least as long as Kamryn was around. My hair would be fine.

Kamryn had picked out an outfit for me. Even though I was taller than her and a size six, not four, she had so many clothes that it was easy to find something for me to wear. I pulled on the dress she gave me, wrapped the belt around my waist, put the shoes on my feet, and was finally ready.

Carley took one arm and Kamryn took the other, and they brought me over to the full-length mirror on the closet door. My mouth fell open.

They really hadn’t done much, but somehow the change was drastic. My hair, which I had always thought as stringy and mousy brown, was now full, layered, and reminded me of a light coffee color. It fell just above my shoulders, and I moved my head to watch it move.

My eyes, usually brown and boring, stood out with a little bit of eyeliner and one coat of mascara. A little blush gave my face a healthy glow. The dress that I had on was plain white with a little lace, but the simplicity of it brought out my face even more. A brown belt around my waist made me look like I actually had curves instead of a twig body.

Slowly, I brought my fingers to my face, gently traced my chin, my eyes, my nose. Behind my reflection I could see Mona, looking grudgingly impressed. It wasn’t me, it couldn’t be.

“Wow,” I breathed. It was as if I’d opened a box to find me inside, instead of a dragon made of soda tabs and marbles.

“You like?” Kamryn asked, lacing her arm through mine.

“Yes.”

They brought me over to the chair again, showed me exactly what they’d done so that I could do it myself. Kamryn gave me a bunch of her makeup and told me to practice at home as well. I bit my bottom lip and stuttered my thanks, but she waved me off with a smile.

Next, we watched movies and ate ice cream. Kamryn had a fridge in her room, and we made sundaes with every topping you could possibly think of. Carley tried to spray hers with whipped cream, and when it wouldn’t come out, she shook the can only to spray it all over her face. I laughed until I was in tears, and when she sprayed me I laughed harder. Even Mona cracked a full smile.

It was around two in the morning when we finally curled up in a bed of blankets and pillows on the floor and turned off the lights. I lay between Carley and Kamryn, Mona on the other side of Carley. Carley told us that Darren Brown had asked her out, and we all squealed excitedly.

“Do you know where you guys are going on your date?” I asked, thinking about roses and a cute restaurant, holding hands while you walked out of the movie theatre.

“He wants to bring me to a party,” she said. “Next Saturday. He told me that it’s at a senior’s house.” She was smiling broadly.

“I want you guys to come with me,” she continued. “It will be awesome. And while I hang out with Darren, you can meet all the hot senior men.”

We all giggled insanely, being overtired and high on sugar. I barely remembered my life two months before, a life that involved only Burt. With Burt, I never would have been talking about going to a senior party, having a girly makeover. I wouldn’t have thought it was possible, wouldn’t have wanted it. I was changing, and it didn’t scare me.

On Monday morning I carefully put to the test all that Mona, Carley, and Kamryn had taught me. I nearly jabbed myself in the eye with the mascara wand a couple times, but in the end I was proud of how I looked. I put on some new jeans that actually showed off my legs and a shirt that gave me cleavage. I was wearing a push-up bra for the first time. I threw on a jacket and a scarf since it was chilly out, took a deep breath, and walked out the door.

“Piper!” Carley shrieked when I met the three of them at our usual spot on the front steps of the school. “You look awesome!”

Kamryn took a hair tie off her wrist and swept my hair back into a ponytail. “Show off your face, girl,” she said laughingly. “You did a great job with your makeup.”

Mona’s eyes flickered over my face, the corner of her mouth turned up into her signature smile.

I rubbed my hand up and down my arm nervously. “Thanks, guys.”

Andrew showed up a couple minutes before the bell rang for classes, and it was then that it dawned on me how much this makeover made a difference.

“Hey there,” he called, jogging over. “Who’s the new…?”

He stopped as he saw me, and I wished my hair was down so that I could hide behind it.

“Piper?”

I could feel my face turning beet red. “Yeah.”

“Shit, I didn’t even recognize you! You look…you look awesome.”

By then my skin was melting off my skull, and I wanted to take my scarf off. Andrew’s eyes kept moving up and down, unable to take in how different I looked. And it wasn’t just in surprise; no boy had ever looked at me like that before, as if he liked what he saw. I wasn’t even that changed, it was just that for once I had taken the time to get ready in the morning, to take pride in how I looked.

“Once you’ve cleaned up the drool you’re getting all over the place, we have to get to class,” Kamryn said, smirking. She pushed Andrew and he almost fell, stumbling back a step.

He scratched his head, and I was surprised to see a slight pink tinge in his cheeks. His eyes met mine and I started biting my lower lip, something I tended to do a lot lately.

Then he grinned, and he was the same Andrew as always. “Alright, Piper. You’ll have to tell me how all the men react to this new look.”

“If it’s anything like you we’ll have an epidemic on our hands,” Carley teased him.

“If it’s anything like you it will be pathetic,” Mona said, not looking at me. She picked up her bag as the bell finally rang and we all followed suit.

In all of my classes I had people to sit with, people who Kamryn had introduced me to. At lunch we sat at a table of at least twenty kids. The difference was that today, the boys were looking at me curiously, and I had never received more compliments from my peers. Even my teachers did double takes as they took attendance. By the end of the day I was used to it, but at first I didn’t know what to do. My bottom lip was in dire need of chapstick by last class.

I collapsed into my usual seat, put my head down in my hands.

“I’m exhausted,” I mumbled, and Kamryn patted my head reassuringly.

“People are just getting used to your new look,” she told me. “By the time the party on Saturday rolls along, everyone will be expecting your gorgeous face to be there.”

I lifted my head up, looked at her in panic. “Wait, we’re actually going to that party? I thought Carley was going with Darren.”

“She wants us to go, remember?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think….it’s a senior party!”

Andrew plopped down in next to us. “Oh, that party on Saturday? It’s at Josh Graham’s house. Everybody’s going.”

I stared at him. “You’re going, too?”

He snickered at my panicked look. “Gee, Piper, I’m so glad you want me to go.”

“No, that’s not what I mean…I just…my parents would never let me go!”

“Tell them you’re sleeping over my house,” Kamryn said calmly. “You wouldn’t be lying; we’ll head back to my place after the party.”

So that was how I ended up at a senior’s house on Saturday night, dressed in a skirt Mona agreed to let me borrow and a top from Carley. Carley was getting a ride from Darren and his friends, so Kamryn’s senior friend drove her, Mona and me there in his beat up car. We could hear the music pounding from two streets away. As we pulled up in front of the house, I gasped at the sheer size of the place. Cars were everywhere, and the guy driving us said he would just drop us off and find a place to park elsewhere.

I climbed out of the car, pulling the skirt down self-consciously as we headed across the lawn. Kamryn and Mona were perfectly at home, hips already swinging to the music, their smooth shoulders gleaming in the dim street lights. Kamryn opened the door to the house without ringing the bell. I struggled not to bite my lip as music hit us full-on; I swear that I was pushed back a step.

I was sweating after three minutes of being inside. Bodies packed together so tightly, grinding and moving like one giant animal. Music pounding the walls, making my ears ring. Mona wandered off right away, spotting some people she knew. It was Kamryn who stayed by my side, knowing that I had no idea what I was doing.

“Do you want a drink?” she yelled close by my ear. Her breath was hot and smelled minty.

I nodded, thinking that there was no way I could get my voice to rise above the noise that was filling my head. Kamryn grabbed my hand and dragged me through the throng, moving easily even as people bumped against us from all sides. Somebody stepped on my foot and I stumbled, but Kamryn kept me moving.

We found the kitchen and I could tell it would be beautiful if there weren’t tons of teenagers crammed together. There was a gigantic bowl of punch on the counter, so many cans and bottles of beer that I couldn’t count, a bunch of sodas. Kamryn grabbed me a soda, got herself a beer. Then she pulled me away from the counter and back into the living room. All of the chairs and couches were taken up by bodies, so we found a clear spot by the wall to stand.

“You’ll get used to it,” Kamryn yelled, popping open her beer and taking a drink. “Later on you’ll have to try dancing.”

I looked at everyone out on the floor, doing what Kamryn called “dancing.” To me it just looked like a bunch of rubbing up against each other and grabbing of body parts. I crossed my hands over my chest protectively.

“Kamryn!” A boy came up to us, arms wide open, bottle of beer in his hand. He was extremely good looking, with a surfer’s physique and the beach blonde hair, blue eyes. Probably a senior.

“You promised me a dance!” he yelled, mouth right up against her ear. He grabbed her hand and she smiled at him, flirt mode on.

She looked at me. “I’ll be right back!”

I nodded, and she went off with the boy, laughing at something he said. His arm was around her waist, and they disappeared into the moving mass of people.

I don’t know long it had been before I decided to find a bathroom, to clear my head. I pushed my way through the crowd, stumbling quite a few times. Finding a set of stairs, I ran up past a few people who were making their way down, mostly couples. I found myself in a hallway with doors all down the sides.

The first door was a closet, and it was occupied. I quickly closed the door, face flaming. I cracked open the next door. It was a bedroom, also quite busy, and I ran to the next one. This time I got lucky, finding a sink and toilet inside.

I slammed the door behind me and locked it. The floor underneath my feet was thumping from the music and I closed my eyes for a second, trying to separate my head from the noise. Heading to the sink, I put my hands on the marble counter and bent forward to lean my forehead against the cool glass of the mirror. My eyes were outlined by dark eyeshadow, and in the dim bathroom light they looked mysterious, brooding. Hair up in a messy bun, it reminded me of how Kamryn’s had looked that first day I met her. My face was red from heat.

I turned on the tap, washed my hands in the cool water. Grabbing toilet paper, I wet some and dabbed it on my neck. The heat fled from my face and I instantly felt better. I could go back to the party.

Opening the door, I stepped out into the carpeted hallway. The music immediately grew louder, but by now it didn’t bother me.

I headed for the stairs and nearly crashed into a couple who were on their way up. The guy and girl were laughing together, obviously drunk, and they didn’t pay attention to me as they staggered to a door at the far end of the hall.

Once downstairs, I began searching for either Kamryn or Carley. Even Mona would be a friendly face.

“Hey babe, want to dance?” a voice sounded from beside my ear. I turned to see an older guy with dark eyes right next to me. His arm was already sliding behind my waist but I twisted away before he could get a good grip, rushed off even as he called after me.

I found Carley in what seemed like a game room on the other side of the house, in the arms of Darren Brown as they watched some people playing pool. Relieved, I walked over and tapped her on the shoulder.

“Piper!” she shrieked, and went to stand up. She sloshed punch from her cup onto the floor, and Darren put his hands on her waist to steady her.

“Whoops! Whatever…Piper, you have to meet Darren!” She pointed to him as if he wasn’t sitting right before my eyes. I didn’t look at him, instead focused on Carley. Her cheeks were very red, her smile even bigger than usual, almost too big for her face. Eyes bright and slightly unfocused, she was having trouble standing straight. Carley was drunk…very drunk.

I finally looked down at Darren, who was grinning at me. He looked perfectly sober, though he held a beer in his hand. I could see why Carley liked him, with his rugged good looks and trusting smile. His hair was sandy brown and was classically messy, falling into his eyes. Then his glance flickered to my chest and back to my face, and I decided that I didn’t like him at all.

“Your name’s Piper?” he asked, and I nodded.

“That’s cool. Carley’s been talking about you nonstop. Are you going to stay and play some pool? Carley and I are going to be a team in the next game. I could get you a partner.” He spoke fluidly but carelessly, as if he knew that people listened to whatever he had to say so he didn’t have to try hard to keep their attention.

“Yeah, Piper!” Carley cried, sloshing liquid from her cup again. “It would be fun!”

“No, thanks,” I said, already backing away. “I’m trying to find Kamryn, have you seen her?”

Carley wrinkled her nose like she was thinking too hard. “No…I don’t think so. If I do I’ll tell her to find you, okay?” All her words sounded too slow for how fast she was talking and it made me feel slightly sick, so I just nodded and left quickly.

“It was nice meeting you, Piper!” Darren called after me.

I went to the kitchen again and took the first can I saw. Taking a gulp, I grimaced when I realized that it was beer.

“Gross,” I muttered, but before I could put it down I saw someone who made relief balloon up in my chest.

“Andrew!” I called. My voice wasn’t nearly loud enough to reach him. He turned and started walking into the living room, and I had trouble following him. I just made sure to keep his dreadlocks in sight.

I took another drink from my can and made another face, although this time the flavor of the alcohol didn’t seem quite as bad. Andrew stopped to talk with someone on a couch, and I was able to reach him.

“Hey,” I gasped, touching his arm. He turned and immediately lit up into a smile.

“Piper, hey! Drinking, I see,” he said, noticing the beer in my hand.

“Oh…no, I didn’t mean to pick this up,” I said defensively.

He laughed at my tone. “Mind if I have a bit?”

I handed it over and he took a gulp. I watched the muscles in his throat as the liquid traveled down, oddly mesmerized by the skin there.

“Thanks,” he said as he handed it back. I looked at the spot where his mouth had been and had the urge to take another drink, see if it tasted any differently.

“Have you seen Kamryn?” I asked him.

“Can’t say that I have. You lost her, then?”

I shrugged and he smiled.

“Well, at least you found me. I’d say it’s a fair trade.”

I laughed and took a sip of beer. “Yeah, I’m less intimidated by your good looks.”

Andrew looked surprised for a second; then he laughed. It took a moment for the fact to sink in that I had just flirted with him, and I instantly blushed. As my skin heated up I started to sweat again.

“Hey, do you think we could go outside?” I asked him. “I need some air.”

“Sure, come on.” He grabbed my hand and led me towards the back of the house, much like Kamryn had pulled me along when we first arrived. This time it was different, though. Andrew’s hand was rougher, his skin warmer. I liked how his fingers felt on my skin, and I closed my hand around his.

There was a door leading out to a porch, but when I turned the knob it was locked. Andrew reached his hand into the potted plant next to the door, came up with a key.

When I looked at him in confusion he said, “Josh Graham’s a friend of my older brother. I’ve been here before.”

He unlocked the door and we ended up on the back porch overlooking a pool, which was covered with a tarp since it was too cold for swimming. Andrew climbed up onto the railing of the porch and let his legs dangle. I followed suit, although I had more trouble with a skirt. From the corner of my eye I saw Andrew’s gaze flash quickly to my bare legs as I got settled. I felt a small glow of pleasure, and it startled me.

It was nice being away from all the body heat and screaming, and I took a deep breath of cold, clean air.

“So how are you enjoying your first party?” Andrew asked after a few comfortable moments of silence.

I shook my head, started swinging my legs back and forth. “I’ve never seen anything like this. I thought all the movies were just dramatizing everything.”

Andrew chuckled. “You amaze me.”

I stopped swinging my legs. “I do?”

“Yeah. You don’t know anything about party life, you’re drinking a beer by accident, you barely know anybody here…but it’s like you don’t even care. You seem so comfortable just being…you.”

I looked at him, trying not to smile. “I don’t know what else I’m supposed to be.”

He nudged me with his shoulder. “That’s good. Because I like you.”

The words made my heart beat faster, and afraid that it would show on my face, I tilted my head up to the sky so he couldn’t see it.

“Christmas is next month,” I said casually, changing the topic. “I have to start thinking about buying gifts.”

“Aw, it’s nice to know you’ve been thinking of me,” Andrew joked.

I pushed his leg with mine, liked how his heat warmed my skin, and left it there. “Who said I’m getting you a gift?”

“Well, I’m getting you one, so it wouldn’t be polite to just ignore me.”

“You’re getting me a gift?” I twisted my body so that I was facing him. “You don’t have to do that.”

The warmth of his breath reached me as he spoke. “I know. But I already know what I want to get you.”

Unconsciously, I leaned forward. “What are you getting me?”

“I’m not telling you that!”

“Come on,” I begged. “Give me a hint. Now I have to know.”

“I call for a change of topic,” he laughed. His green eyes were dancing, and I didn’t want to look away. Something big was building up in my chest and it needed somewhere to go, but I had no idea what to do.

“Okay,” I said slowly. “A change of topic…what’s your favorite color?”

Andrew threw back his head and laughed. I found myself watching his throat again.

“My favorite color is blue,” he said, still chuckling. “What about yours?”

“Green,” I said, looking at his eyes. “What’s your favorite animal?”

“Are we seriously doing this?” he asked, laughing again.

“You wanted a change of topic.”

“I didn’t think it would turn into a list of my favorite things.”

“Fine, then you choose a topic.”

He thought for a moment, then sighed resignedly. “My favorite animal is a dog.”

I laughed. “Not that easy, is it?”

He shifted slightly on the railing, ending up even closer to me than before. It was chilly out but as his body pressed against my side I felt as if a fire was burning right next to me. The feeling in my chest was growing even more, my heart was pounding so hard that I was amazed Andrew couldn’t feel it as our arms pressed together.

“What time is it?” I asked.

He lifted up his arm, leaving my side cold.

“It’s almost eleven.”

I’d been at the party for three hours. It felt like much longer, but I wasn’t tired at all.

Andrew put his arm back down, but as his hand went to grab the railing it caught my hand instead. I jumped at the contact and he looked at me as if just as shocked. For a moment his hand hesitated over mine, and I thought he would remove it. Then he cautiously pressed it down, folded his fingers over mine. I looked down where both our hands were, looked back up at him. I had the urge to start biting my bottom lip.

“Piper,” he said softly. I’d never heard his voice like that, without any note of a joke or laughter in it.

“Piper, I really like you.”

It was as if I’d lost all ability to speak. If I tried, everything that had built up in my chest would simply spill out. I just nodded, and his gaze lowered to my lips, raised to my eyes again. I breathed out the tiniest bit and some fog appeared between our faces.

It could have been a second or it could have been a minute before he leaned forward, I don’t really know. But it was as if everything inside me had stretched to a snapping point and it was finally released when he kissed me.

Like most girls, I’d always wondered what my first kiss would be like, how it would feel, if it would be gross. Kissing Andrew wasn’t gross at all, and I leaned into it easily, loving how the warmth of his breath mixed with mine. His hand lifted off of mine, and he slowly slid his arm around my back instead, pulled me closer to him. I put my hand on his leg to steady myself and felt his muscles tense, relax again. The kiss was slow as we learned the taste of each other, experienced how our mouths fit together. I had a feeling that Andrew knew exactly what he was doing, but the thought of other girls actually didn’t bother me at all.

He pulled away from me after awhile so that his mouth was only two inches from mine and just looked at me, his eyes traveling over my face as if making sure this was me. It felt strange, this sense that I was really beautiful, and I suddenly felt embarrassed.

So I did what any normal girl would do…I rested my forehead on his shoulder and started laughing.

“Hold on a second,” he said, putting his hands on my shoulders and pushing me away so he could look at me. “Are you…laughing at me?”

The look on his face was so priceless that I started laughing even harder.

“Oh, wow…this has never happened to me before,” Andrew said, looking at me hard. “What did I do?”

“It’s not….it’s not you….” I got a hold on myself and wiped some tears away. “I was just….kind of embarrassed.” In admitting that I was embarrassed I started to blush, and I felt like hiding.

I’m an idiot, was all I could think.

“Piper…” he said, looking at me with raised eyebrows. And he kissed me again.

---

After the party it wasn’t long before Kamryn, Carley, and Mona found out about me and Andrew.

Carley was the most excited—“Oh my god, we can go on double dates now!”—and Kamryn just shook her head.

“I knew it was going to happen,” she said. “Andrew’s liked you since the first day he met you.”

To which I blushed.

Time started to go by faster, and Christmas was there before I knew it. Andrew’s present was a homemade anchovy pizza, which he was very proud of, and a silver heart necklace that I proceeded to wear every day. Kamryn, Carley, and Mona all pitched in to get me gift certificates to some of their favorite clothing stores.

But it was the package in the mail that would completely throw me out of this safety zone I had entered in the past month.

It arrived a couple days after Christmas. Snow was falling heavily outside and I was wearing pajamas, settling down to watch a movie on my new laptop. My dad knocked on my door and I told him to come in.

“There’s a package for you,” he said, holding a heavily taped box in his hands.

I sat up. “Who’s it from?”

“There’s no return address.”

I took it from him and looked at the handwriting. It didn’t look familiar.

“No ideas?” my dad asked, standing over me.

“No…” I frowned and turned the box around in my hands. I think that deep down I knew who it was from; I just wouldn’t let myself think it.

“I guess I’ll just open it.”

My dad got me my scissors off my desk so I could cut the tape and then left the room. After I cut the tape and ripped open the cardboard, a bunch of packing peanuts fell out onto my comforter. I left them there. Sticking my hands in the box, I searched around for whatever was inside. I finally felt something and pulled out…another box, this one tiny.

I shook my head, took the scissors, and cut the tape wrapped around it. I opened it to find some tissue paper covering something shiny. Starting to bite my lower lip, I slowly lifted the paper. There was a tiny horse, legs bent as if it were running, made of dozens of tiny pearl beads. Its eyes were two black stones, its mane and tail little silver sewing needles, blunted down so that they couldn’t poke anyone. They were bent and twisted in different ways so they looked like they were blowing in the wind. A note fell out when I lifted it from the box:

They don’t need wings to fly.

I hadn’t cried since Burt left for Kentucky three months ago, but now all the tears came back. The horse was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, and I didn’t deserve it at all. I looked around my room, now completely changed since I’d become friends with Kamryn. I had posters of guys on my walls, pictures of my friends in frames. No longer were clothes scattered everywhere; they were actually put away in my closet. Most of my trinkets were packed away in boxes, except for the ones that I used for decoration. The pieces that had been left of Burt’s creations were also packed away, up on a shelf in my closet. The dragon was the only one that was still out on the shelf near my bed, but it sat behind a picture frame of me and Andrew.

I got off my bed and put the horse on the shelf as well. Biting my lip, I stood staring at it for a long time. I sincerely thought about calling Burt’s mom, asking for the number for Kentucky. But I was afraid, more afraid than three months ago. How could I call him after I’d tried to forget about him all this time? Meanwhile, he’d remembered me.

I didn’t call him. Instead I called Andrew, asked him if he wanted to go sledding later. That was what the next two years of my life was like. Burt sent me trinkets for my birthday and for Christmas each year, and I would call Andrew to hang out, even after we broke up and I was going with new guys.

Even in my effort to forget Burt he was always there, and I still put whatever he made me up on the shelf. They gathered dust because I never picked them up or touched them, but they remained there those couple years.

For my birthday toward the end of freshman year Burt sent me a rabbit carved out of wood. For Christmas in sophomore year, the year I lost my virginity to a guy named Robbie Luther, it was a turtle made of green stones and the book “The Rabbit and the Hair.”

Slow and steady doesn’t really win the race, he wrote in the front cover.

For my birthday at the end of sophomore year I got a little carved man with a cape and a mask, a superhero. Christmas in junior year was a little bat with rubber wings.

Batman always wins, with a newspaper clipping of a horse named Batman who had won the Kentucky Derby.

My next birthday I received two hands holding onto each other. That one threw me, because I didn’t understand what it had to do with flying, either in the air or on the ground. I wouldn’t understand until my senior year in high school, the year that I went out with Darren Brown and almost lost my friendship with Carley, the year Mona nearly killed herself, the year my parents finally divorced, the year everything that could go wrong did…the year Burt finally came home.