Dear anyone looking into public transportation,

As I have ridden the hell on wheels, otherwise known to people who obviously haven’t spent more than two consecutive seconds around such pits of despair, as a bus for the majority of my schooling career, I’d love to think I have some knowledge from said experiences. While it may be useless, childish, and crude, I have chosen to share my expertise with you in hopes that it will make those daily commutes a bit more enjoyable. Be thankful. Praises, cookies, and gifts are welcomed.

First and foremost, the mode of transportation of which we speak is a bus not a limo- ergo, if you or someone you know is one of those prissy shrill screaming annoyances who have diluted themselves into thinking their next in line for the position of God, this ride is not recommended. This bus ordeal would also not be for you if:

a) you fear water, slime, gum, boogers, cussing, religious slurs, racial slurs, emo’s, flailing arms, sailing books and or pencil cases, bookbag mountains, the occasional bodily excretion, harassment, court dates and anything else otherwise viewed as unsanitary.

b)you fear being late, or are a chronic time checker. As a general warning to everyone here, I feel I must in fact mention that I could build the worlds biggest parade float with the tardy slips I’ve collected due to bus lateness over the years.

c)are claustrophobic; I marvel at the way a bus driver can pack us kids in those seats, its like sardines, only undeniably worse, and more smelly.

Now that we’ve got the preliminaries out of the way, I shall move on to the finer points of bus-ridership. Though this too is a bloody pain, I guess I could try and not melt your precious minds. You’ll need them later, should you choose to undertake your civic duties as a rider of the bus, to think up colorful new ways to string together every profanity known to humanity and scream them in the general direction of the impossibly fat kid who will inevitably crush your toe in his hasty excitement to return home to his grand piles of saturated blubber inducing substances. Never mind mentioning the heart attacks this will probably cause with age, for alas, that’s a different rant entirely.

I have came to many conclusions in my years of utilizing public transportation, but this, this is of upmost importance: Children, you know, the snot nosed people who go to elementary and middle school, who are spawned for the soul purpose of annoying us older more mature kids, are not, contrary to popular belief, wrongfully influenced and going to a sure hell on our part. Oh no, they were Satan’s playtoy’s to begin with.

For Example When the phrase, “GODDAMMIT BOBBY, THAT’S MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND YOUR SCREWING”, comes from the (oh-so-innocent) mouth of a fresh faced sixth grader, you know theirs a pre-convened problem somewhere in the kid’s head, that surely, by way of common sense, cannot be traced back to us. Granted, we may subtly hint at the proper use of such profanity, But of the initial planting of such corruptive seeds, we shall wash our hands forever.

That, infectious piece of half truth leads me to my first real warning, and grandest of tips. They are as follows:

When in doubt, (or trouble, or with the police, principal, or your parents) Lie. Lie through your teeth.

And, for lack of better words, avoid beady eyed children, they are scary little bastards indeed.

Next, in this grand tour of bus know how would probably be the shortcomings of fast moving entertainment. I’ll not bore you with the excruciating details, this being the point where I might add that its wise for you to not mistake any statement as a caring gesture, the fact of the matter is simply this: I don’t have three forever’s to waste on this lecture; I have people to do and places to see before the bus comes in the morning.

Alright as it goes, the best events away occur in the back of the bus, it’s where the party people go to meet and sell their brother pot. And if left to our own devices, we can get creative. (See below.) Just as a precautionary measure, I shall list the proven annoyances of entertainment a la bus.

a) hearing Akon’s “smack that” 587 times back to back. Yes, that is the actual number of times laptop guy hit repeat, I painstakingly counted.

b) Bus surfing with the fatties. Just, no. I don’t know who said that fat bounces, but they obviously didn’t see the same thing I did. What I saw could be compared to a wrecking ball, with cankles.

c)Trying to force feed the anorexic girl with a cracker crumb on the end of a number two pencil. She will, undoubtedly die if you touch her, either that or she will take your pencil, do random dance moves, have a heart attack and then die. Either way, this is always fatal, and you don’t want the lawyer fees. ‘Tis better to let the noobies try it.

d) the guy who is only gay on Thursdays. Don’t question his motives, or his sexuality, George Bush, the bus driver, his boyfriend, and your momma will all surely be waiting at your stop punch you in the face for being politically incorrect and inadvertently homophobic. Its no matter that you saw him making out with I-need-a-sandwich-girl, Gay Gary is unshakable.

Tip # 2- Pocket protectors are never cool. Unless you have a complex about Geeks with wedgies. You will be beaten unmercifully for the act of wearing one. Its treason, and tribal council (seniors) dosent like treason committing idiots.

In closing, I would love to say that buses, while outright disgusting, and mostly just loud cesspools teeming with annoyance, are a place of learning. You will grow, you will laugh, you will cry, you will meet at least one schizophrenic kid, and witness at least one rich person have their iPods jacked by a seven foot tall Junior. Relationships will bloom and die, in that big yellow insane asylum, and if your lucky, you will be sexually harassed in at least 12 different ways. Be afraid, know your local bus help hotlines, but never ever ask a senior for help, everyone knows you don’t matter to us. Face it kid, your dirt. This, is an indisputable fact. It will not change, ever.

Alas, you shall not try to impress the cool crowd, it will always end messily, with you in casts of several varieties and colors, all of which, of course, are of our choosing. Why, you ask? Because we know what we’re talking about, and you, well you are just “challenged”. Stay out of our way, and keep this guide to busses at hand and you may not acquire any life threatening injuries. Diseases, however, are not covered by school insurance, so it may be wise to not touch anything (or anyone).

Remember, this is your bus. Live it, ride it, love it.

Sincerely,

You don’t need to know my name. The FBI needent have another reason to come looking for me.

I am, for all intensive pourposes God. Bow to me, just do not touch me with any part of your body, you little nasty.