Soul Search

-The journey that one must take alone…

The vast majority of people question themselves at one point in their lives. They question their purpose, their own reason for being. I started to question my own life path as I walked in the local park. I walked and I started to think. Then it struck me as if a bolt of lightning had pierced through my lungs. I stopped instantly and desperately tried to catch the breath that had escaped me. Gasping, I shrunk away and cringed, hiding from my pain. There wasn’t anything for me; there was nothing but darkness, no one for me, no one to like me anymore. The thought of being bisexual brought me to tears. The tears froze in place on my cheeks and enveloped me with an abysmal feeling; emptiness. At eleven years old, the revelation I had experienced was like none other.

Shortly afterwards, my friends asked me what was going on and all I could say in response was a muffled ‘nothing’. My walk in the park taught me that I was beginning to accept myself and I was becoming more self-reflective than ever before. Discovering something so life-changing about myself was difficult to accept, but I slowly evolved my way thinking. After all, I still feel uncomfortable about discussing my sexual orientation with others. I hoped that being different was something most others would accept. It is true, now…but life didn’t always work that way.

When I turned twelve, I was convinced that I had only myself to rely on to take the steps towards facing my biggest challenge: self-belief. It hurt me so much to know that no one was there to help and support me. Yet as time passed I wanted someone else to know me, to know who I was. I wanted someone else’s support because I alone wasn’t enough; and I still had doubts about my newly found self.

Despite the fact that I had a great amount of trust in my family, I wasn’t prepared to disclose this to them yet. Since I couldn’t yet turn to my family, my friends were my second choice, but I was still too uncomfortable to talk to any of them. When I turned thirteen, it wasn’t as hard for me as when I was twelve. I found different ways to cope with the hardships. I tried to forget all about being bisexual and concentrated my time and emotions into writing and homework. I would write down all of my feelings, leaving no unexpressed emotion to endlessly torture me. Writing has always helped to me express myself in times of need.

"Out of sight, out of mind, Out of time to decide, do we run? Should I hide, for the rest of my life?"

Initially, it was very difficult acquiring the courage to confide in my friends, not knowing how they would respond. I finally felt that I was ready to tell one of my friends. I asked to talk to him and we met up at the same park I walked in one year ago. When we started our conversation, I talked around the topic of my revelation. After half an hour of saying absolutely nothing, I finally blurted it out. He was shocked. After he regained his composure he just stared at me with a perplexed look. After a long pause, I broke the silence by saying something to avoid the topic again. I kept rambling until he said, “I’m leaving, and I don’t think that we should be friends anymore.” The harsh tone he used accentuated each word and made it more painful than the last. That statement shattered all of my resolve; it broke my spirit and sent me back to square one. With a diminished level of self-confidence, nor any friends to turn to, I broke down all together. Who would’ve thought that confronting the demons that had haunted me for so long would result in losing a friend, and a piece of my identity? I didn’t know what to do. He was the prime example of what others would say if I told them.

“I can try to pretend, I can try to forget, but it's driving me mad, going out of my head,”

After a short period of time, I decided that if a friend could throw away our friendship over something so small, then he had never truly cared. I mustered my confidence and decided to confide in my remaining friends. Surprisingly, each and every one of them accepted me. This brought forth a warm feeling of comfort. I know that I will still need to deal with difficult people and situations in the future, but I have learned that I have the strength and self-awareness to handle anything that should arise. A real friend accepts you for who you are and will stand beside you. It takes a real friend to be able to see that special glint inside that makes you an individual, but only you can know the true colours of your soul.