|Dear Beloved I Lost
Author: cascadestars PM
Unsent letter.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Romance - Words: 1,073 - Published: 10-08-07 - id: 2424078
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I can't think or form anything into a sentence --- the words are shaking and won't form a straight line. Speaking from my heart is something I do regularly, and yet I can't get this out to you. I should really stop beating a dead horse, yet I can't because I'm convinced it's still alive. I still talk to you inside of my head as if you're really there, as if you're really listening. The way I dream of you when I sleep is so realistic that I feel awake when I sleepwalk. I can't find any way to touch you, I can't find you in reality no matter how badly I search.
Circumstances are crushing my life. And when I say my life, I partly mean you. I can't get through to you, I'm stuck behind this wall made of glass that I could shatter but am too scared to. Fear of what could happen after bites at me all of the time, especially at the moment where I contemplate running up to it and smashing it with my fist. I'd bleed, and I wouldn't care. But then I remember what would happen, and I would have to run so far to get to you, to tell you what I've told you in my head a thousand times before. And it would take so long, maybe too long, and by then I'd be snached by circumstance and I would've wasted so much and gained so little. My heart is hurting again, just as it did not too long ago. God knows what would happen if my fist drove into that wall, but I sense the pain would only endure.
I know what I need to do to break out of this, but how-to guides aren't fixing the fact that I am still missing you, the fact that I plain naked love you. My heart is still pounding now, pounding at the thought of your name. My head is spinning, spinning at the picture of your face. My hands are shaking, shaking at the fact that you're still pulling me in without even trying. You could've cut the rope and let me go, and I'd still be dragged in. And it's all because you're so perfect to the point where I don't want anybody else besides you. I've realized now how many times I've repeated myself, said the word 'you', 'heart', and 'love', constantly throwing everything I've already thrown before back into your face. But I know I'll just keep repeating, repeating, repeating. I love you, I love you, I want you, I just want to love you. Maybe ten years from now I'll tell myself how ridiculous I was when I was this young, how I was so stupid to continually waste my time, breath, life, words, and effort on you. I wish I could say I'd regret it. I wish I could say that because of the possibility of regretting it, I'd stop right here and there. But it only draws me closer, because I want to deny that possibility every step of the way. Call it denial, I call it determination. I want to disprove the possibility of being with someone else, or nobody at all. Disprove what everybody told me, he's no good, you'll get over it, this and that and that and this. Disprove all of the liars who told me I wouldn't have anything to ever do with you. Disprove everything that forced me to let you go. I want to lie in my death bed knowing I had you the way I wanted, the way I feel it was suppose to be. I want to die knowing I was with you. I want to always know that I had something that felt so perfect for me.
But I can't, because I know you wouldn't go with me on any of it, and it hurts so bad. Circumstance is a bitch, and it's pulling me in a million different directions that I don't want to go to. Just because of the fact that I cant right now is already forcing me away from the glass wall standing between us. I cant even break it. I can't even try, no matter how hard I want to. Now it's leading me to this path that I need to try before I can run off with my desires, a path that I still wonder if I'll ever go by completely. That road is leading me to let you go. But just missing you is pulling me away from being able to do that... I don't want to leave you, to break the promises I made you long ago. I don't want to, not without you. Knowing you probablly are already moved on far away from me, and don't have any feelings left about me is so hard to think about, because then I'm reminded of how badly I'm wasting my time, my life, my words, my effort, proving everything else right and me wrong. It leaves me here, broken and confused, dazed and lost as to what I do now. I can't seperate my feelings or desires from what needs to be done, and it seems that every single rule and step I need to take I already have something that makes me not want to do it. So what am I to do?
That glass wall that's ten times taller than me, is screaming my name. Telling me to completely crash it, just to try the other way, my way. It's saying my name, my name, my name, screaming, asking, tempting... and I remember what I need to do, what I should do, what I'm being forced to do, the absolute most safe and probablly promising way to go...
But I miss you. Still love you. I could, should, need to say goodbye, but can't bring myself to that point where I am willing. I'm walking into a corner again and again, with all of these thoughts still drilling into my head constantly, painfully; and it won't leave me alone.
You won't leave me alone.