How to Sell a Barbie

We sat around our usual slab of concrete during the lunch break, just talking about anything that came to mind. I was sitting across from my best friend, one of the school’s most “popular” girls. I suppose I might say that in a somewhat odd tone. The thing is; she is like one of those life-size Barbie dolls they sell in the store for $20 dollars apiece, only this Barbie doesn’t sell.

All of the boys in school are crazy for her; at least all the straight ones that I know of, that is. Even today with the sky partly overcast with next to little sunlight out she somehow still manages to get her hair to sparkle with that shine only a true blonde could manage. From a male’s perspective she must seem to be something they dream about, all blonde haired and blue-eyed with a great complexion. However, they all have a big problem, she is totally clueless.

Has anybody seen the movie Clueless? The main character in that is a dumb blonde as well. But at least she realized there are people out there that like her and tries to do something about it. This Barbie doesn’t even look in their direction. She will smile and wave at anybody she knows from classes or clubs but then totally ignore the ones that she doesn’t. Personally, I think it is beginning to drive some of those boys insane.

Even right now, as I casually turn my head to look around the main quad on campus I can see that the largest percent of all male attention is focused on her. I sigh and turn my attention back to what Barbie was saying.

“So did you want to go to the mall this weekend? Some of the stores are having a major sale and I really want one of those cute mini skirts we saw there last week.” She smiled brightly at me.

I almost gagged on the sincere sweetness that dripped from her voice as she asked me that. Idly I wondered if she realized that any number of the surrounding male body would be wiling to buy her an entire outfit at any store of her choosing if she brought him shopping with her.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll go with you this weekend. What time did you want to meet up?” It’s not like I had anything else to do and a sale at the mall meant I might actually find something I liked with everything being thrown chaotically around the stores.

The bell rang out across the quad, effectively cutting through most of the conversations and eliciting a quiet groan from the students. Time to go back to class. The next few moments were full of the quiet shuffling, grumbling and shouted “See ya later”s that accompanied the emptying of the lunch area.

I had a different class than Barbie right now so I said my quick good-byes to her, adding that I would call her later to figure out when we would meet up, then took off down the hallway for my class. Just out of site from the quad stood one of the guys who were always staring after my friend. It didn’t really give me pause at first; he was probably waiting to see if she would walk by this way so I was a little surprised when he called out my name as I walked by.

“Hey, umm, well, I was wondering…” his voice trailed off as he saw me staring at him. What did this guy want? Only thing to do was ask, I suppose.

“What did you want to know?” I sighed slightly. It was probably something to do with Barbie, like what her favorite color was or if she liked stuffed teddy bears. A few people had been asking me things like this ever since she hit puberty and they figured out I was her best friend.

“Her favorite colors are pink and lavender. She likes stuffed bunnies more than bears but if you actually buy her one she won’t take it for anything other than a sign of friendship.” I rattled off. It was the same speech I had been giving since school started this year and her favorite colors had changed from baby clue and light yellow to the pink and purples she preferred now.

He stared at me for a little bit longer with his mouth working like he really wanted to say something but didn’t know how to make the words come out.

“I want to go to the mall with you two tomorrow!” He finally blurted out. That surprised me. One of them had some guts after all. But why ask me?

“I heard you two talking and how she wants that skirt. I think she would look great in a mini-skirt I would really like to buy it for her but she never looks at me so I was wondering if you could just ask her for me? Could you help me get a date with her? Please, you are her best friend.” The words just tumbled out of his mouth uncontrollably. That must be a lot of pent-up emotion.

I stared at him for a few more moments; my mind was working furiously at his words. Did all of them think this way? That I could just get her to go out on dates with them? Hang out doing innocent seeming things while they fulfilled they daydreams of spending more time with her? My mind hit a wall, why couldn’t I? She was always asking me if I wanted to hang out at public places; going to the mall, the beach, the pool, or out for ice cream when it was hot. If I just proposed to her we bring a few more people along each time… I think I must have been staring into space as I processed this idea because the boy shifted his feet nervously in front of me and tried to speak again.

I cut him off before he got started. “I’ll see what I can do for you.” I smiled at him, showing my teeth.

“Yes, we are going to the mall tomorrow. The store she wants to go to opens at ten, meet us there. It’s the only store with a pink sign with the name on it. Oh and there is a poodle for the icon.” I never paid attention to the names of the places she shopped at, they changed frequently. Now perhaps I should begin to.

I started to turn away then paused as a thought struck me. If he really wanted to do this as bad as he seemed to I might be able to get something out of the bargain was well. I turned back towards him.

“Wait a minute, I wasn’t really planning on getting there that early but you will have a better chance with her before she starts shopping. Would you mind bringing me a coffee in the morning, since I am helping you out a lot and all?” I tried to look nice and innocent as I said that.

“Sure, that’s fine. What should I wear? What can I say to her? Thank you so much.” He said distractedly as he hurried off.

“Make it a tall iced white mocha with extra chocolate and whipped cream!” I called after him as he disappeared around the corner. I smirked. Tomorrow would be entertaining to watch.

He showed up at the store the next morning just as we were walking into the mall. I saw him first as he was looking around anxiously as if to make sure I had actually kept true to my word. In his left hand he held a cup of Starbucks coffee complete with the whipped cream spilling out the top. His right hand was behind his back but I could see that he held a pink stuffed bunny tied with a lavender ribbon. The boy was really trying.

I pointed him out to Barbie as we neared the store entrance.

“Isn’t that one of the guys in our Biology class? We should go say hi.” I said to her. If she knew him, she would anyway but it was better to direct her attention. It made things easier.

“Oh, it is! But I don’t’ remember his name.” She said to me then shrugged.

“Hey! How are you, what are you doing out here?” She said, smiling at him as we reached the spot he had remained standing in as we neared. For a moment I thought he wouldn’t speak to her at all.

I heard you were going to be here to I thought I might run into you to give you this,” he held out the bunny from behind his back, “I saw it at the stuffed animal shop that went out of business a few weeks ago but I rarely see you to give it to you.” He looked down at the coffee in his hand.

“I’m kind of nervous meeting you here like this I don’t think I can finish my drink. Would anybody like it?” He asked, looking at me pleadingly. Boy, this boy was smooth. He was trying to act all cool, guess I’ll help him out a bit.

“I’ll take it, missed my morning cup today. They don’t allow drinks in the shop though, so I’ll just go sit in the food court. I’ll come find you when I’m done. Why don’t you two go shopping for a bit?” I said. Barbie looked over at me with her eyes wide like this was a joke.

“But I wanted to do some shopping with you today.” She fell into though; I could see that sale tag on the skirt calling her.

“Alright, let’s go in then!” She said brightly and grabbed his hand to drag him inside. The surprised look on his face was hilarious.

That was the first of many dates I set up in the next few years. I amassed quite a quantity of bribes from the boys and got more daring where I had them meet up with her. I don’t’ think she ever really caught on to what I was doing but her reputation at school started to slide. It wasn’t really public knowledge that I was the one orchestrating all the dates, only a select few guys knew and they told their closest friends. Every week she would be seen around town with a different guy so by the end of the year gossip has her as the school slut, even though she never really did anything. When I though about it, which I rarely did, I suppose it was a bad thing that I was doing but then again, I was getting a lot of free stuff out of the bargains. Perhaps I am a bad person but what did that make the guys who asked me to do this for them then? Besides, next week she was supposed to go to the movies with the quarterback and he has promised to get me those new boots I had been eyeing at the showcase.