“I hate Tuesdays.”

Vladamir rolled his eyes. “You hate every day.”

I got off the bench. “Fuck you.”

It was a cold, bloody night. Really bloody. Really, really bloody.

... Either way, tonight was the monthly hunt. Every first of the month, the lazy bastards in charge at the Vampire Headquarters send out a bunch of “young'ins” in groups of two to rile up jugs of blood.

Vladamir stood up from his Solid Snake hiding place behind the bushes.

“Nikos, someone's coming.”

I moaned and stopped playing with the dead squirrel to the right of me. I got up and looked over Vladamir's shoulder. I squinted.

“I don't see anything.”

“Over there.”

“Thanks, V. That's in no way vague.”

He rubbed his temples in exhaustion. “The person standing next to the statue of Jesus singing with the Supremes.”

“Ohhh.”

Beside the lovely, blasphemous piece of artwork, a young woman with disgustingly orange skin (Hello, Ms. Fake Tan) and pale, blond hair, talked loudly on her cell phone.

“O-M-G! That is, lyke, such a, lyke, friggin' lie. Becky is, lyke, such a horse mouthed, butt scratching, trifling ho.” She looked down at the phone. “W-T-F! My brother is still texting me to come home. I am so not leaving until Blake comes here. Yeah, T-T-Y-L.”

“L-O-L! You're going to die of blood loss, bitch!” I whispered loudly as I clasped my hands in excitement. It's easy to take blood when it's from an idiotic teenager who only knows how to converse in chat speak.

Vladamir nudged me in the ribs. “Watch your mouth.”

“Sorry, mommy dearest.”

He sighed. “Let's start.”

We ran stealthily from behind tree to tree. The winter air stung my cheeks, but when seeking prey you can't let such a minute thing disturb you. One mistake, and you could be left with a hungry stomach and eyes full of pepper spray.

Luckily for us, Barbie was too busy talking on the phone to notice any suspicious young men, wearing dark attire, coming hungrily for her neck.

As she put her phone away, we quietly moved in. There was no one around the park at this time of night (I wish I wasn't here either) so it was deadly fun and no run for our little princess.

We were exactly behind her (who was still oblivious), when a dark figure appeared from across the street.

“What the fuck are you trying to do to my little sister?!”

She spun around confused and belted out the highest pitched scream I've ever heard from a human. Eat your heart out Mariah Carey .

Being the brave vampires that we were, we immediately began to run away from the scene. In a matter of seconds Barbie's big brother had caught up to us.

“We're under prepared! We can't fight! We're to young to die!” Vladamir yelled worriedly.

I grumbled and tiredly started putting my brain to use. When Vladamir is on the verge of a nervous break down, it's best to have him as far away as possible.

“V, you run ahead. I'll take care of this guy, okay.”

His eyes widened. “Are you sure?”

“Of course I'm sure! He's only a human.” I smirked. “What harm could he do?”

With that, Vladamir sprinted ahead and I stopped in my tracks.

The man in front of me was wearing a dark hoodie that made it hard to see his face; especially at night. He was probably a good 4 inches taller than me.

“What the hell were you doing back there?!”

“Just taking a midnight stroll.”

He scoffed at me. “Cut the crap! I saw you and your little friend ready to paw after my sister.”

It was my turn to scoff. “Now, why the hell would I want to rape your ugly ass sister.” I shivered in disgust. “I'm not into she-things. And even if I was, I'd rather have a threesome with Dick Cheney and Al Sharpton.”

“I dare you to say that again!” he said through gritted teeth.

“What? That your sister's the most gruesome looking creature known to man?” I snorted as I felt his eyes burning into me. “Whad'ya going to do? Hit me with your best shot.”

And then he, indeed, did hit me with his best shot. This lead to an immediate knock out and a sore cheek.

I woke up in a plain room, covered only by pictures of animals and bad drawings.

“I see that you're awake.”

“No shit.” I mumbled, until I actually recalled what happened and shot up in fear. “Where-what-why-you-huh?”

“Just calm down and relax.” Hoodie boy was now sans hoodie. He was the complete opposite of his sister with healthy looking skin, and short, black hair.

I sat on the bed quietly, trying to think up how to get out of this. He was staring at me silently, and I glared back. “I hope you didn't rape me while I was asleep.” I rubbed my cheek. “I'm a very delicate, sentient being.”

He rolled his eyes and ignored my question. “Speaking about creatures, while I was carrying you to my house from the dark park, so that you wouldn't get raped,” Now, I feel guilty. “You were mumbling something about having to get back to the Vampire Headquarters or something like that.”

There was an awkward silence as if he was waiting for me to respond. He sighed loudly. “So, are you?”

“Am I what?”

“A vampire?” His eyes became intense as he waited for me to answer.

I waved my hand at him and laughed. “Wow, you of all people should know that vampires don't exist. They're just mythical creatures used to scare little kids and wet the panties of young women.”

“Oh.” He looked down, embarrassed. “That's too bad.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don't know. It's just this hobby of mine.” He reached for something on the desk besides him. “I'm into the paranormal, so I buy a lot of books on the subject. The book I have in my hands is what I bought recently.” He smiled at it dreamily. “It's supposed to help you recognize vampires in daily life. But I guess, like you said, it's all rubbish.”

I give it to humans. They surely have the greatest imaginations known to man. If only they would put away the fake bull shit they find in their local bookstore's New Age section and start doing their own in-depth research into the paranormal, they would see that a lot of the things they put off as fantasy are right there in broad daylight waiting - no – asking to be found.

I looked at him untiringly flipping through the pages of A Vampire's Lust: The Hidden Truth of the Blood and Gore. And get this. The author is the great, old Count Dracula himself. I shit you not, my lovelies. And truth be told, in real life that son of a bitch would be too lazy and irritable to even write one page.

It was best for me not to stay here any longer. It would make more sense to knock him out while he's distracted and get the hell out. I know he had saved me and all, but the bastard did leave me with a container empty of blood. I decided that I would go through the window, seeing that if his sister was still home, her scream would be able to wake him up in a matter of seconds.

I wanted to find out how much information I rambled on to hoodie boy, but I couldn't stay.

As I was about to pounce, he turned the next page on the book and without glancing at me, said “Do you want to fuck me?”

I guess I could stay a bit longer.

“Really?”

He looked up and raised a brow. “Really.”

“That's pretty damn random.”

“I noticed, but vampire stories don't only get females wet.”

He put the book back on the desk and sat next to me on the bed.

“Are you up to it?”

“I don't know. First you bashed my head in, then you acted all dorky with your monster porn fetish-”

“It's not monster porn, it's a guide book!” he said defiantly.

“Whatever. And now you want to fuck me out of nowhere.” I scratched my head. “As much as I love spontaneous bouts of sex with strangers with a sister complex, if this is a cycle then I don't want to reach an orgasm and then a few seconds later see you ready to knock me out again.”

He motioned to get up. “So, I'll just take that as a 'no'.”

I grabbed him by the sleeve. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. I never said 'no.'”

“So that's a 'yes', then.”

“It's a: we'll-see-where-this-is-going-but-if-I-wake-up-with-another-sore-cheek-you're-dead.”

He smirked and began to unbutton my shirt. “Now which cheek were you talking about exactly?”

“Ha. Ha.” I impatiently pushed his hands away and unbuttoned the rest myself. “Just hurry up with the naked business so we can start behaving like sexual deviants.”