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From: Your Editor ()
To: My Subordinate ()
Subject: WHERE IS MY ARTICLE?!
NATALIE, YOU HAVE HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME ON THIS ARTICLE. I NEED IT. NOW.
Your (very irate) editor.
To: The Editor with PMS ()
Subject: Anger Management
Now, now, Rachel. Shouting at your “subordinates” will not make that article appear faster. Might I suggest a referral to the School Councilor, Ms. Beckett? And besides, we’re in high school, if you’ve noticed. You can’t shout at me because you don’t have a higher paid salary. You can yell at me in about seven years time, when:
a) you’re in an executive position
b) you’re earning more than I am
c) we’re working in the same firm
Until then, please defer your exhortations somewhere else.
Also, I’m incredibly busy. Or about to be. Apparently there’s going to be a new English assignment. We have a new teacher, if you’ve noticed. Therefore, the article is of lesser priority. It’ll get done. Eventually. And besides, the magazine is getting published at the end of the year. So, BREATHE.
To: Someone who is about to be kicked off the magazine committee ()
Subject: Read the subject line
You’re in danger of losing that one article you’ve been assigned to. In fact, you’re in danger of losing that position you hold. Oh wait, you’re on windows messenger now -
the grass is greener on MY side says: Oh, my gosh. It’s the middle of freaking MARCH. The articles aren’t even due in at the printers until October. Can you COUNT how many months that is?
says: Maybe because you’ve been assigned to write a total of SEVEN articles by October. Which means ONE PER MONTH.
the grass is greener on MY side says: Look, I’ll get that handed in at the end of the month. That’s plenty of time. Speaking of which, what are you doing online at 12:45am?
: what are YOU doing online this late/early?
the grass is greener on MY side says: Pfft. Stalker.
says: You happened to ask first.
the grass is greener on MY side says: Whatever. I’m researching for history. Absolutely crazy how we already have a freaking assignment for that. And an English one soon. You?
says: I’m talking to my cousin.
the grass is greener on MY side says: Not THAT one.
says: Yes, THAT one. I really don’t know what you have against James.
the grass is greener on MY side says: Hmm, maybe because he’s a cocky ass who doesn’t know when to shut up.
says: Lots of guys are like that, like Jared. Or Felix.
the grass is greener on MY side says: Hun, Felix is gay. As for Jared, he’s our best friend and that makes him half girl, anyway. Therefore, he never shuts up. Speaking of your cousin, don’t you remember THE EVENT?
says: Oh, that.
the grass is greener on MY side says: Yes, THAT.
says: That happened ages ago. Shouldn’t you be over it by now?
the grass is greener on MY side: Umm, were you ever humiliated in front of the whole school? I think not.
says: That was in fourth form. It’s seventh form now. Forget and forgive?
the grass is greener on MY side says: Are you kidding? That retard literally announced to the entire world that I got my period. People gave my ass weird looks after I wore my jersey around my waist to hide the bloody stain.
: Ha! Bloody stain.
the grass is greener on MY side says: Oh, haha. Very funny. Pun unintended, by the way.
says: You don’t even talk to him. You’re not in any of his classes since he takes all the sciences.
the grass is greener on MY side says: We share air during the English. Trust me, it’s already bad enough. There isn’t a day where he’s isn’t dropping puns about blood.
says: Oh, he’s not that bad now. He’s grown up.
the grass is greener on MY side says: Rach, he’s your cousin. Of course you’re going to say nice things about him.
says: I give up.
the grass greener on MY side says: Good. Anyway, I’m off to bed. English assignment tomorrow. I’m so over school. We’ve barely started and already I feel like a holiday.
says: Yeah, I miss sleeping in. Get that article done! Night!
the grass is greener on MY side says: Night. Oh, by the way, have you ever considered changing your messenger name?
says: To what?
the grass is greener on MY side says: Heh, to . Good night!
the grass is greener on MY side has left the conversation.
the grass is greener on MY side has signed out.
says: Oh, haha. Very funny, Nat.
has left the conversation.
.guy says: Where did you disappear off to? Oh, let me guess. Nat?
says: Nuh, duh. Couldn’t resist harping at her about her article.
.guy says: Rach, I swear, you’re such a control freak sometimes.
says: That’s the SECOND time I got told that within five minutes.
.guy says: Lol. Nat said the same? I’m not surprised.
says: You two are perfect for each other.
.guy says: What the hell? Where did that come from?
says: You like her, don’t you? That’s why you picked on her all those years ago because you couldn’t think of a more effective way to show your attentiveness. And for your information, she’s still not over it yet. I mean, why else aren’t you in a relationship at the moment?
.guy says: Ever thought the reason why I’m unattached is because these little high school flings aren’t even going to last long? It’s obvious that most of them just want a good lay.
says: And the fact that you’re still a virgin, would mean that a good lay is virtually impossible? Heh. Valuable information there.
.guy says: I’m very virile, thank you very much. Why are you so interested in my sex life? Because that’s bordering incest. We are first cousins, remember?
says: Skillful maneuver there, cous. You’re good. But not good enough.
.guy says: What the hell?
says: It’s obvious. You keep on changing the subject.
.guy says: And when did my cousin turn into a psychoanalyst?
says: Maybe because I’ve known you for eons. And to prove my psychoanalytic abilities, I can also tell you that you’re avoiding the question. Which means…
.guy says: Stop putting words in my mouth or I’ll tell Jared that you have a crush on him. Best friend, huh? Or do you want to be…friendlier?
says: You freak! Blackmail is not the way to go. You tell Jared and I’ll tell Nat that you have a crush on her. I don’t even know what drove me to tell you who I had a crush on.
.guy says: You didn’t tell me. It’s pretty obvious the way you look at him. I’m just surprised that no one else has picked it up.
says: Whatever. Stop avoiding the subject. Aww…little Jamesy has a crush on Nat.
.guy says: Nat’s likely not to take it seriously. Really cous, you’re the one being disadvantaged here. I have Jared’s cellphone number, and all I have to do is text him…
says: Denial is not just a river in Egypt!
.guy says: Take your own advice. Ha.
says: At least I admit that I like him.
.guy says: Sorry, but I’m not going admit that I like Jared in a non platonic sense too. I don’t swing that way. Besides, imagine the reaction from the female population if I turned gay. There’d be an outcry.
says: No, you doofus. Come on, admittance is the first step. Admit that you like Nat!
.guy says: Did you know that you’re one letter away from having a full message sent to your beloved detailing your lurid obsession with him? So far the text says: ‘Hey Jared, one of your so-called best friends, also known as my cousin, is in love with you and has been so since she was thirtee’
says: I swear, sometimes I wonder why I’m even related to you. Nat was right. You are cocky.
has left the conversation.
has signed out.
.guy says: Aw, what else did she say?
.guy has left the conversation.
.guy has signed out.
You are addressed as such until I know who you are. Anyway, this is a pretty whacked assignment. I mean, all you have to do is write letters for seven months, once every two days, so that makes... Never mind. I never did like maths anyway.
Ms. Moore has written on the board a series of possible topics to write about. Also known as small talk. I’m surprised that the weather isn’t on the list. Did you know that the weather is the most conversed about subject when people are struggling to make conversation? I’m full of useless facts like that. Maybe, because once a month, I happen to get a new list of facts, full of useless information.
Anyway, on that list is subjects and future aspirations. If you really wanted to know, I’m taking English (obviously), Latin, Classics, French and History. Next year, I want to study law or political science. I think that’d be kind of interesting, working behind the scenes.
I’m going to skip the topic ‘My Worst Memory’ and proceed straight to three random facts about me, because frankly, I don’t wish to share my worst memory. And I don’t think anyone is inclined to, either.
So, the first random fact. I like tomato sauce, but I won’t eat tomatoes.
Second random fact: I’m a writer for the school magazine, but my job is now in jeopardy because I haven’t gotten around to writing anything yet. Writer’s block, much?
Third random fact: I don’t know what people see in James Wilson.
Random, huh? Yeah, well, that was the first three random things about me that sprung into my head.
Anyway, that’s all.
Natalie.
And let me guess, you’re interested in me getting that article done faster. Right?
Well, duh. Out of curiosity, what is the English assignment?
A letter writing project. It just consists of writing a letter every two days to some other random in the class. One half of the class started writing their letters today. If that isn’t easy credits, I don’t know what is.
I hear that if you’re doing Information Technology, you get credits for demonstrating knowledge of how to clean a computer properly. Lol.
You’re kidding. Damn, why didn’t I take Information Technology?
Because being a political analyst or lawyer doesn’t require thorough knowledge of how to work a computer.
Yeah, but I’d like to know how to clean my computer. There are coffee stains on the keyboard and I think there’s some crumbs stuck between the keys.
Nat! You got that computer six months ago!
Okay, okay. MOTHER. Oh, crap. Mr. Bartley just gave me an evil glare. I think he suspects me of writing notes.
Um, unless he’s got x-ray vision. You’re cowering behind that large Ancient Rome textbook.
Good point. So… why the sudden interest in my English assignment?
Do you know who your letter writing person is?
No, but I find out tomorrow when I get a letter back. Why?
Never mind. Our English class isn’t doing anything spectacular as that. We have to keep a journal. Except, it kind of defeats the purpose because the teacher gets to read it…
Ha! At least I get interaction with someone. Letter writing isn’t so bad. It’s just random. Oh, crap. Mr. Bartley just walked behind me and now he can see-
I am in so much shit. Guess who my letter writing partner is?
Sender: 0272585456 Rachel Donnelly
Oh, it wouldn’t be my esteemed best friend, a certain Natalie Green, right? Because, that would just be funny.
Sender: 0273890193 James Wilson
It’s not funny. You wouldn’t believe what she’s written. As one of her random facts, she’s written “I don’t know what people see in James Wilson”.
Sender: 0272585456 Rachel Donnelly
Aww, are your feelings hurt? So, you do have a crush on her! Why else would you be “in so much shit”?
Sender: 0273890193 James Wilson
Get it out of your system. I’m not in love with Natalie Green. And I happen to be in shit, not because I have an overwhelming obsession with her, but because she hates my guts and without her cooperation, I’m going to fail this assignment.
Sender: 0272585456 Rachel Donnelly
Do you know how much blackmailing material I have here? Who wouldn’t want to know that the captain of the water polo team AND the captain of the first eleven soccer team is a closet nerd?
Sender: 0273890193 James Wilson
I’m going to ignore that entire text. Can’t you tell Nat to cooperate this once? I mean, you have some leverage there since you’re her best friend and all. I’ll look after your little brother at the next family gathering (Uncle Raymond’s 50th Birthday, which happens to be in two weeks), so you can cavort about…
Sender: 0272585456 Rachel Donnelly
I’ll think about it…
Sender: 0273890193 James Wilson
I’ll also give you a twenty dollar book voucher from Whitcoulls on top of that.
Sender: 0272585456 Rachel Donnelly
Make it thirty dollars. You can’t buy a decent book for twenty dollars. Whitcoulls is incredibly rip offish.
Sender: 0273890193 James Wilson
You drive a hard bargain, cous. Done. You’d better get Nat to cooperate. As much as I love your kid brother, I’d rather be playing on the Playstation then reading to a six year old. Funny, you would have thought that he’d be into video games.
Sender: 0272585456 Rachel Donnelly
Because I’m not letting him near one. It’ll destroy his brain cells. I mean, look at you.
Sender: 0273890193 James Wilson
‘the captain of the water polo team AND the captain of the first eleven soccer team is a closet nerd’. I rest my case.
Sender: 0272585456 Rachel Donnelly
So, what’re you gonna do? Don’t you owe her a letter now?
Sender: 0273890193 James Wilson
Yeah, I have that sorted.
Sender: 0272585456 Rachel Donnelly
Are you revealing your, err, identity? I mean, ‘cause if she sees your name at the bottom of the letter, she’s not going to be too happy, if you catch my drift.
Sender: 0273890193 James Wilson
She’ll be swearing to high heaven. This is actually going to be somewhat amusing to watch.
Sender: 0272595456 Rachel Donnelly
You’re not going to provoke her, right?
Sender: 0272585456 Rachel Donnelly
James?
(The English assignment of Rachel Donnelly).
The journal of Rachel Donnelly.
Monday 19th March
Hi Ms. Lambton. Okay, this is just weird. I’m not used to writing in a “journal”, when it’s going to be read by someone other than myself. Just wondering, how on earth are you going to grade this assignment? Because, if it’s a journal, I don’t exactly need to adhere to the laws of grammar, right?
Anyway, today was a mediocre day, nothing particularly exciting happened, except that Nicole Thompson tripped over in the cafeteria and her bowl of custard landed on Verity Laybourn’s blouse. And because Verity Laybourn is an incredibly unpleasant person, she promptly blew up at poor Nicole. Catfight ensured, in which Verity emerged the victor, simply because she has more friends. You would think that at seventh form, we’d be over these petty things. Which is exactly why Verity Laybourn is evidence of why evolution is basically impossible. She acts like a primeval bitch female dog. Oh, screw this. Verity Laybourn is a bitch. And everyone knows it. Except for Verity herself, because ignorance is a requirement for being a bitch.
Another matter being that I think my cousin, the infamous James Wilson, also sickeningly known as the most sought after guy in school (and yes, it is disturbing hearing your cousin referred to as “Hot Stuff”) has a crush on my best friend Nat. Kind of cute, if one thinks about it, because he’s supposedly the “pro” (and again the use of inverted commas) at dating girls, and here he is, behaving like a little school boy.
Me: You have a crush on her.
James: Not this again. Rach, it’s getting old.
Me: You’re in denial. AGAIN.
James: Let’s make a deal. You say that again and I’ll tell Jared about your crush on him.
Me: Blackmail is oh-so juvenile.
James: Look at yourself for a prime example of someone who hasn’t matured beyond the age of twelve. Honestly, this is the stuff that happened then in the playground.
Me: Then stop acting like a little schoolboy.
James: -silence-
Cue the adorable sighs, please. I swear, he has a crush on her, and their little letter writing assignment in English is going to help their little relationship along. Well, it should advance, when Nat gets over her grudge. Which will be the day when James stops referring to the incident that happened in fourth form, which will take another ten years. Unless of course, they have some help…
I also realise the similarity this layout has to Meg Cabot's Boy Meets Girl (and I love that novel), but I'm not taking her plot or characters. There are also other novels which have adopted a similar format, so I'm not copying her ideas. Also, I have text messages, which Boy Meets Girl doesn't have, so another difference.
