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Dear Sexist Bastard,
Women are just as good as men, if not better. Biologically, men are becoming less and less dominant. The y-chromosome is fast diminishing in size, perhaps signaling the decline of man. All that psychobabble that women rule with their hearts is complete and utter bullocks. At least we have feelings, unlike men, who are led around by their lower anatomy. A man thinks about sex once every fifteen seconds, and hence, they treat women like regular pleasure slaves. As for your assertions that men do everything better than women, why is our country
a) being led by a woman
b) as a result of being led by a woman, experiencing a surplus, low inflation, low unemployment rate
c) successful in the bid to host the 2011 Rugby World Cup
And yes, I happen to know about rugby, as much you probably think that all women don’t know a thing about it, or simply watch it to check out the men with some REAL muscle definition under some tight, black lycra tops. And for your information, I was watching that ill fated game in which we lost to France. All hail the All Blacks.
That aside, your reasoning as to why women are insignificant when compared to men, is completely and utterly flawed.
Have a nice day, you chauvinist.
Natalie.
Typical. You’re just like the millions of women out there who think they’re important. Stop denying the fact that men accomplish tasks faster and better than women. Women have a perchance for talking while working. You call this ‘multi-tasking’. Multi-tasking is apparently a feat that women can only accomplish. It is actually, a task which only women are stupid enough to do. Multi-tasking means that things are done less efficiently because your attention is divided between several things.
Ever wondered why the All Blacks are a much more publicised team than our esteemed women netballers, the Silver Ferns? Because they’re male and you know it. As much as we’re proud that they’re currently the world champions, more attention was called to the All Blacks when they got kicked out of the quarterfinals. Because they’re male. You may argue that rugby is a more popular sport that netball, but our female rugby team, the Black Ferns, haven’t had much media attention either.
As for thinking with our lower anatomy, what do most females do when they see a virile male? They immediately start flirting. Welcome to pheromones. What else does a full blooded male naturally do? React, of course. Pun about blood unintended. To not do so would mean that our genes wouldn’t be passed down. All hail the survival of the fittest. Have a problem? Go talk to Darwin.
Stop ignoring that facts that are sitting right in front of you.
James.
Talking about him already?
Rachel Eve Donnelly, I smell a rat. I swear, if you’re sticking your nose into my business…
Breathe, Nat. You get so defensive so quickly.
Are you implying something?
See. There you go again.
Whatever. I haven’t touched the article yet.
What IS your problem? It doesn’t take three weeks to write a few lines about Athletics Day.
I’m just having trouble writing it. And because I have much better things to do with my time.
Why did you even join the magazine committee?
Because I needed an extra curricular activity. And it beats cheerleading. What are they? Disgraces to the suffragettes who fought for the vote –
Uhh, Nat, the vote has nothing to do with cheerleading.
Sure it does. Along with the votes, came equal rights with jobs where women weren’t forced to work for the pleasure of men. Trust me, cheerleading is nothing but visual stimulation for males. Pheromones? Pah.
Where did pheromones come from? And you might want to write less angrily. Mr. Bartley is giving us suspicious looks.
Never mind. Oh, what’s this I hear about Jared breaking up with his girlfriend?
Uh, WHAT?
Yeah, apparently he dumped her because she cheated on him with Cole Hunter.
Not Cole Hunter, the captain of the basketball team?
The very same, gay bashing wanker.
Ugh, what does she see in him? Poor Jared. He must be heartbroken.
There was talk that they were going to break up anyway. For a man hater, I’m a pretty good gossip. The shame!
Then again, I DID warn our best friend about dating girls like Melissa Harper.
Aha…she’s a harpy, alright.
Nat! That was not nice at all. Imagine being cheated on!
Exactly. I’m not interested in dating, so I can’t really foresee myself being cheated on. Oh, and Jared’s used to my sense of humour.
I think I’ll take him for some ice cream after school.
Uhh, Rach, ice cream is only for hormonal, broken hearted females. Somehow, I don’t think Jared fits those requirements.
Well, don’t you think our best friend might need some comforting?
I told you already! They were going to break up anyway, but the cheating was the last straw. Besides, he’s going around with a big smile on his face. Hardly a sign of broken hearts, yes? But don’t worry, I have a plan to avenge our dear best friend.
Oh.
So, you finally dumped the cheating girlfriend.
Sender: 0274581393 Jared Maitland
Yeah, I don’t know why I didn’t see it earlier. She was always saying how she didn’t need a ride home from cheerleading on Friday nights.
Sender: 0273890193 James Wilson
…which coincidentally happened to be the same time as the basketball games.
Sender: 0274581393 Jared Maitland
Yeah. But we were fighting anyway. Would you believe it? She felt threatened by Rach.
Sender: 0273890193 James Wilson
Rach, as in my cousin and as in your best friend?
Sender: 0274581393 Jared Maitland
Is there any other Rachel? Nah, yeah. Melissa always thought I hung around Rach too much. Which is kind of fucked ‘cause she is my best friend.
Sender: 0273890193 James Wilson
That is retarded. Who told you about Harper’s cheating ways?
Sender: 0274581393 Jared Maitland
Funnily enough, Nat.
Sender: 0273890193 James Wilson
She knows gossip? Funny, I never expected that from Green.
Sender: 02745801393 Jared Maitland
Yeah, Nat’s good at picking up stuff. Anyway, got to go. Picking Rach up.
Sender: 0273890193 James Wilson
You’re moving on quickly.
Sender: 0274581393 Jared Maitland
What the hell? We’re best friends. She doesn’t like me that way.
the grass is greener on MY side has signed in.
.guy has joined the conversation.
.guy says: Oh, Nat baby.
the grass is greener on MY side says: What the hell? Wilson?
.guy says: Interesting way of greeting people.
the grass is greener on MY side says: Whatever. Why are we talking again? You got your deal. We’re done talking.
.guy says: I want to know how you managed to find out Harper was cheating on Maitland.
the grass is greener on MY side says: I never reveal the tricks of the trade. And besides, it’s none of your business.
.guy says: I think it is, seeing as Maitland’s my friend as well as on my team.
the grass is greener on MY side says: Yeah, but it’s none of your business how I go about gathering information.
.guy says: Or in other words, you’re just a really good gossip.
the grass is greener on MY side says: Really effective method of garnering information from me by insulting me.
.guy says: If I tried flattery, that wouldn’t work either. So, you get the blunt truth.
the grass is greener on MY side says: That was incredibly insightful for you.
.guy says: Are you going to answer my question now?
the grass is greener on MY side says: You got my charity for the afternoon with my previous comment. So, no. And besides, I have something important to do that requires my immediate attention. Like now.
the grass is greener on MY side has left the conversation.
the grass is greener on MY side has signed out.
.guy says: Ah, screw it.
.guy has left the conversation.
.guy has signed out.
To: Year 13 Students, John Clarke High
Subject: Cole Hunter
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sure that most of you would have heard by now that Melissa Harper cheated on her loving boyfriend Jared Maitland with Cole Hunter. What is less known is that Hunter has a fetish. That’s right. A fetish for lurking in the girls’ bathroom. He has been sighted leaving the girls’ bathroom on several occasions. Ladies! Keep an eye for this sexual predator! He might be somewhere you’re least expecting it!
Hey Nat, are you sure you don’t want to come out to the mall with us?
Sender: 0273871547 Natalie Green
You tell Rach that the reason I’m not joining your excursion is because I’m busy writing up that stupid article. Well, actually, I’m doing something else.
Sender: 0274581393 Jared Maitland
Lol, sure. And thanks for telling me about Melissa. How did you find out anyway?
Sender: 0273871547 Natalie Green
Oh, I thought it was a little suspicious when I saw Harper come out from the girls’ bathroom, followed by Hunter.
Sender: 0274581393 Jared Maitland
Let me get this straight. Hunter was in the girls’ bathroom?
Sender: 0273871547 Natalie Green
Sure was.
Sender: 0274581393 Jared Maitland
Fuck, that’s hilarious. Anyway, Rach’s here. Ttyl.
Did you hear? Like, Jared Maitland dumped Melissa Harper. She was cheating on him.
Sender: 0272878980 Brittany Dunbar
Omg! Why would anyone want to cheat on Jared? He’s like, so hot!
Sender: 0273567879 Ashlee Thomas
I know. But he’s like, available now!
Sender: 0272878980 Brittany Dunbar
Do you think James Wilson is like, interested in anyone atm? ‘cause imagine you like, going out with Jared and me going out with James? Omg, our babies would be like, so hot!
Sender: 0273567879 Ashlee Thomas
James like, doesn’t date. I know, it’s such a shame! I think he’s like, slept with almost every single girl at John Clarke.
Sender: 0272878980 Brittany Dunbar
Do you think he’ll sleep with me? I so, like, want to jump his bones. The sex must be so good. I wonder if he’s you know, big. –giggle-
Sender: 0273567879 Ashlee Thomas
Like, ew! Omg Britt, you’re so gross! –giggle- OMG. Jared just walked came into the ice cream place! I’m so asking him the juicy details.
The journal of Rachel Donnelly.
I’m sitting in the café eating gelato, waiting for Jared, who has presently gone outside to take a phone call. It’s nice little café along Oriental Bay, too. If you have the time, try visiting Kaffee Eis yourself. There aren’t too many people, except for an old couple sitting in the corner who both have little servings of what looks like chocolate flavoured gelato. They look kind of cute. The mango gelato looks really good, so I’m going to start before Jared comes back in.
We gave up on the ice cream parlour down the street because there were too many people from our school there. Well actually, too many girls who all want to hear about Jared’s recent break up. He kind of muttered “Paparazzi” under his breath and then we ran for it.
I wonder who’s calling him. He looks like he’s about to burst out laughing. He’s not watching his gelato either… and his pina colada flavoured gelato looks just as good. I hope he doesn’t notice that a little bit is gone.
Oh wait, he just came back in and he has this giant smile on his face. Ah, that smile. Stop it. It hurts. Too gorgeous. Then again, his amusement is good because he hasn’t noticed that a significant of his gelato is missing. He just looked up.
Jared: Uh, why are you writing frantically in that notebook of yours?
Me: (feigns surprise) Oh, this? This is an English assignment. So, who called?
Jared: Melissa.
Me: You’re not going to take her back, right?
Damn it, you’d better not. For the first time in three months, you’re actually single.
Jared: (laughs) Me? Hell, no. No, she called because apparently news got out that Hunter likes lurking in girls’ bathrooms and she wanted to make sure it wasn’t me who told everyone. I wish I did, though.
Me: Wait, Hunter was in the girls’ bathroom?
Jared: Yeah, that’s where Nat – Oh, wait.
Me: Nat?
Jared: (grins and shakes head) Nat saw them come out of the bathroom together. I bet she’s the one who did this.
Ah, the lesson is to never annoy Nat. Funny, she hasn’t done anything on the scale of this to James, even after the ‘Period Incident’. That’s it. She has a soft spot for him.
Me: I’m surprised that no one’s figured out who let loose the news.
Jared: Nah, it was by mass email and with an unspecified email account. Nat’s a freaking genius.
Me: Makes you kind of glad that you’re her best friend and not her enemy.
Jared: Definitely. (picks up spoon and begins to eat his gelato, unaware that at least three spoonfuls have been taken out of the side). So, how was your day?
Me: Alright. I still can’t believe that we’re seventh formers.
Jared: Yeah, it’s creepy to think that we’ve been at school for thirteen years.
Me: Mm. I’m glad that nothing’s really changed.
Jared: What do you mean? I’d like to think that I’m a lot more handsome (grins brightly like an ass).
Uh, hell yes. In fact, you were this scrawny thing back in form two, and no girl had a crush on you then. Why, oh why, do they have to crowd around now? I’m the one who stuck with him through his good looking AND ugly years.
Me: Nope, no change. Still the scrawny thing you were back then.
My fingers are crossed firmly behind my back.
Jared: (leans over the table to slap the back of my hand gently). You’re looking at a fine male specimen, I tell you.
My hand just tingled. Literally. Seriously, why does he have to have such nice hazel eyes? Wait, there’s some green in there too if you look in the light.
Me: (scoffs derisively in an attempt to recover self). Yeah, right.
Jared: I think you’d better be nice, otherwise I’ll eat your gelato for you.
Me: Evil. (eats gelato quickly). You’re not going anywhere near my gelato.
Jared: But as my duty as a best friend, I can’t have you eating all that fat.
Me: Are you accusing me of being fat?
Jared: Rach, you’re not fat and you know that. And I swear, if you go all anorexic on me, I’ll force feed you McDonalds.
Me: Thanks… Was that a threat or a declaration of friendship?
Jared: (grins and shakes head). Both.
Me: I don’t know who’s scarier, you or Nat.
Jared: Nat’s good at the sabotage. I just use brute force. So, you’ve got all bases covered if some idiot cheats on you.
You wouldn’t cheat, would you? Because that would mean you threatening… yourself. Which doesn’t work. And besides, you’ve never cheated on anyone in your entire life. I swear, Melissa Harper was an utter douche bag for cheating on you.
Me: If I even date.
Jared: Rach, why don’t you date? You last had a boyfriend when you were in fourth form.
That’s because I had a crush on you starting from then, you doofus.
Me: Nah…
Jared: We’re not that bad.
Me: Uh, hello? I think I’d know. I’ve been hanging around you since form two. That’s enough guy exposure for anyone. Oh wait, Nat did say you’re an honorary girl since you act like one.
Jared: (raises an eyebrow). I’m very manly, I’ll have you know.
Well, seeing as you wandered in after water polo practice with no shirt on a few days ago, I’d have to agree. James was walking around with no shirt on either and I have to admit, Nat’s self control was pretty admirable. She didn’t even look sideways to check out what was on display. Except, James is my cousin and thinking of him on more uh, friendlier terms is like incest.
Me: What man?
Damn, somehow I get the feeling that I’m lying a lot today.
Jared: (shakes head ruefully). Some supportive friend you are.
Me: Friends don’t lie (cackles).
Oops.
Jared: Well, come along best friend of mine. Let’s go back to my house and see what havoc our other best friend has been wrecking.
Yes. Because I’m always going to be the best friend, huh. Nothing else.
To: The Avenger ()
Subject: What kind of vengeance have you been wrecking?
Read the subject line. Btw, Rach is here as well.
To: Should be amused ()
Subject: Amusement abounds
I never thought news would get out this fast. Let me guess, a frantic Melissa Harper called to see if you were the one who let loose the news?
To: Gossip Girl ()
Subject: Can’t be stuffed
Get online. Instant messaging beats email any day.
Land of Mait has joined the conversation.
the grass is greener on MY side has signed in.
the grass is greener on MY side has joined the conversation.
the grass is greener on MY side says: Seriously Jared, you’re like an eager little girl.
Land of Mait says: That’s because it was Rach who typed the previous email.
the grass is greener on MY side says: Lol. So, was I right? Did your cheating ex call you because news got out that her newest cheat buddy was some girls’ bathroom Peeping Tom?
Land of Mait says: Lol, yeah. Apparently all these guys are sending Hunter threatening texts. What gave you the idea anyway?
the grass is greener on MY side says: Oh, you know Hunter’s always been a prat. He’s always pushing third formers into lockers and mocking anyone who’s beneath him. So, I thought it’d be fun.
Land of Mait says: This is Rach here. What are you going to do to Melissa Harper? Something horrible?
Land of Mait says: Jared here. Don’t do anything too evil
the grass is greener on MY side says: Stop being so soft! The girl cheated on you!
Land of Mait says: Damn straight, Jared. Listen to us.
the grass is greener on MY side says: I have to admit, I never did like Harper. She was an ass sucking creep and she only talked to us when she wanted something.
Land of Mait says: She wasn’t that bad, was she?
the grass is greener on MY side says: She cheated on you. Hello? She’s a disgrace to the female populace. Want to know what she said as she left the bathroom?
Land of Mait says: Rach here. Go for it, Nat.
the grass is greener on MY side says: “I only like you, Cole. I mean, Jared was cool for climbing up the social ladder. And I got to meet you.” Said in a really breathy voice. Slut.
Land of Mait says: Uh, Jared looks like he’s about to bash something up. Just before I go to pacify him, did she say anything else?
the grass is greener on MY side says: Oh yeah, something about his annoying best friends who she thinks are sleeping with him behind her back.
Land of Mait says: WHAT THE HELL? We’re not done here. As soon as I’m finished with Jared, we’re continuing this.
Land of Mait has left the conversation.
Land of Mait has signed out.
