I’m in trouble Dave.

What do you mean you’re in trouble?

I did something.

What’d you do Henry?

I hurt a woman.

Hurt? How bad?

I sprained her neck.

You sprained her neck? How in the Hell did you sprain her neck? You didn’t choke her or some shit did you?

No this one wasn’t into that. But it did happen while we were having sex. The girl was on top of me and/

The girl? Don’t you remember her name?

No. But she was on top of me. Anyway, we’d been going at it for about half an hour when I felt my orgasm closing in. I tried to tell her to get off of me but/

Wait let me guess. No condom right?

Not that last time no. If only I hadn’t double wrapped the first few times I would’ve had some left.

That’s what you get for going with skeezy bitches.

Yeah…..

So she was on top of you?

And I was trying to tell her to get the fuck off of me before I shot right, but she wouldn’t do it! So right when it was happening I instinctively grabbed her waist and threw her off the bed.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Yeah go ahead and laugh but her head banged up against the dresser and that’s when she started screaming.

Jesus Christ!

Yeah that’s what I was thinking.

Wait let me get this straight; you threw a woman off of your dick, off your bed, and onto a dresser out of basic instinct not to get her pregnant. Hence making you a father.

Instinct means well…

I see your point.

Here's the version I didn't publish because it wasn't funny. I forgot all about it until I

uploaded this. So I figured fuck it why not? Post it and be done with it.

I was in my apartment after another Friday night of binge drinking and gambling. I had lost $50 in poker and even more at the bar. Feeling drunk and dissatisfied with the gambling community I hailed a cab to take me back home. So here I was, in my one bedroom apartment with a bottle of Wild Turkey, half a pack of Camels, and a pretty inebriated 33yr. old mother named Sandy. There wasn’t anything to say to each other at this point of the night, introductions had already been made, intentions revealed, and now here we were both standing in a small room sweating in anticipation like animals salvitating as their prey enters the kill zone. After taking a couple shots of Turkey and sharing some collective words that basically amounted to gibberish we headed to the bed. She smelled like the floor underneath the high tables at the bars, where the drinks are constantly spilled and people are walking shedding off a new spice of filth. She smelled like cigarettes that were put out once and then relit. She smelled like the kind of perfume that I never could really develop a tolerance for. For half an hour I dealt with the smell so that I could feel the touch of another human, and receive carnal attention. For half an hour we slammed our bodies against each other until the inevitable happened. My orgasm was closing in and I was trapped underneath Sandy’s body as she rode me like a cheap ride. “I’m coming!” I screamed nudging her waist. She ignored me. “What are you doing here? I don’t have a condom! You want to have another kid? Get the fuck off of me!” I grabbed onto her hips and threw her off the side of the bed merely seconds before I erupted all over the sheets. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I screamed at her. It was then that I noticed she wasn't moving. Grabbing my clothes and rushing out of the apartment I decided a small place in Mexico was just what I needed. It was either that, a miracle, or a damn good lawyer.