Devour

An agitation of hands, the
drum, drum, drumming
of a foolish, misplaced heart!
Cheeks of fire,
ablaze!
So wrong, so cruel –
undeniable…

Guilt and shame
flame
throughout this body confused;
secrets so soon, too soon.
There’s a spark
he can’t deny –
we started it.
I continued it,
I revel in his sweet attentions,
so flattering and humming.

Behind her back.
Or a joke.

The joke is going far,
I admit I throw it further;
he catches.

Whispers I keep, I trap
betrayal behind selfish thoughts
-- happiness at the price of her sadness
is too much –
I couldn’t.

I want to.
But I can’t.
No one should be hurt like that.
I know.

But still,
I have my playful fantasies:
We kiss below the stairs,
footsie under the table,
a subtle, secret brush of our fingers
sweetly followed by your eyes
telling me you want me…

A dream now and forever.
For the while
I will smile.
And pretend, when you touch her
I’m not screaming inside
wishing it were me,
And when you hug her,
I’m not wanting your arms
around me protectively,
comforted by your breath on my neck.

I wouldn’t ask you to leave her for me.
She deserves you.
She’s the sweeter girl,
the better girl,
the more beautiful, soulful girl,
the best girl –
I should know.

But is it possible,
I could have been your girl?
Have you made a mistake?
Might information make that vase crack?
I don’t want to hope so.

I’d rather my heart break than
stab hers.
Are you a murderer if you only think about it?
Are you an adultress if you only want to?

Call me whore.