Rollin’, Rollin’, Rollin’

Story: A play/film about a family of six (mother, father, sister, brother, and grandparents) as the group Family Values traveling hither, thither and yon while meeting “interesting” people and having unique and unusual experiences along the way.

CAST

“Mama” Meredith Burgess:

“Papa” Jack Burgess:

Jessie Burgess: (the big brother)

Danielle Burgess: (the little sister)

“Grandmamma” Shannon Burgess:

“Grandpapa” Eustace Burgess:

Family dog mascot, Argo:

Fans they meet along the way:

Email fans:

Stalker #1: (female, Gigi)

Stalker #2: (male, Lee)

Scene 1—On the Road, Again

(as the Burgess family van, which happens to be an autobus painted in psychedelic colors, rolls down the road, the title appears, followed by the western music it is most associated with…Danielle is writing in her journal on her computer, where she keeps all of her thoughts and ideas readily available…)

Danielle: This is my life. At the helm of our “Good Ship Lunacy” is my Papa, making sure we run a clean ship. Mom, his faithful co-pilot, my brother and I as cadets and grandmamma and grandpapa as first and second mates to the Captain and co-pilot. Then at last we have our faithful watchdog and mascot, Argo. Sounds rather militaristic, doesn’t it ? Well the Von Trapps, we ain’t. We might not get along sometimes, but we’re pretty close. Since we’ve been traveling the road and bringing music to the common people, we know our ins and outs and ups and downs.

But I still don’t understand why my older brother, one of the smarter Burgesses likes to involve himself in such dangerous stunts. I already filmed him doing this once, and we were on TV for it. We only one 1,000 and not the grand prize of 10,000. Maybe if I’m lucky Steve Owen can see this piece I’m about to do and take notice. Either that or snap some sense into my brother without him having to go through broken bones again… (grabs her camera and shouts to her parents) Mom, dad, Jessie’s at it again !

Jack: (sighing) Figures.

Meredith: (lovingly) Well he does take after his father you know ?

(Jessie starts skating to “Pump It” and sings along to it, doing some rather dangerous stands on the board while the board is rushing along with the road…all of a sudden, the board hits a bump in the road and the skateboard flies off of the road, and hurtles into a ditch. The car behind the van honks, and the driver shouts some indiscernible obscenities.)

Jessie: (holding onto Danielle’s hand) Don’t you dare let go of me, Sister.

Danielle: (with a bit of a smirk) Would I do that ? (sinister giggle) No. I wouldn’t. What kind of person do you take me for, Jess ?

Jessie: (irritated) Less talk, more pulling me back into the van, chop chop !

(pulls him inside the van and closes the door, he stands there, winded, and clutching his heart)

Jessie: My best board…gone…(nearly weeps)

Danielle: Who cares about that dumb board ! You nearly got yourself killed !

I swear, you’re supposed to be the genius in the family…

Jessie: (angered) Can I help it if I have a daredevil nature ?

Danielle: (groans) Jess, please. (hugs him) Don’t do that ever again. I doubt sending this into AFV would do us any good, you almost got hurt.

Jessie: There’s always a next time. Remember the last time we nearly won the grand prize !

Danielle: (aggravated grumble) I’d have better luck conversing with a POLE than you sometimes !

(Despite their arguing, the grandparents are fast asleep)

Jack: Don’t you two try killing each other. We have a gig in the town ahead. We need to be on our best behavior.

Meredith: We’re bringing them (sing-song) The sound of music !

(The siblings groan audibly)

Jessie: No Broadway tunes this time, please ! (pleading) I am begging you !

Jack: I have no control over what ‘the public’ wants, Jess.

Danielle: (sigh) It’ll be good to sing again though. From what I’ve noticed, America has pretty good taste when it comes to music.

Jessie: Even if we do have to sing show-tunes every so often.

Meredith: And what’s wrong with show-tunes young man ?

Jessie: Well, some of them are just so cheesy, but most are alright. I just don’t care for it when we have to dedicate a whole show to them. Then it becomes really annoying.

Danielle: For once, I agree with my brother. (pats him on the back trying to console him over the loss of “Lucille”)

Danielle: (narrating) And I did agree with him at that point. He was still broken up over losing Lucille. It was never a dull moment on board the Good Ship Lunacy. Not by a long-shot. And it was only going to become more interesting. I could feel it in my bones.

Scene 2—Fans That Just Won’t Leave You Alone

(the family sings “Tan Shoes and Pink Shoelaces” for a fan)

(The crowd cheers, and whistles)

Jack: (waxing nostalgic) Ah, yes. An oldie but goodie. Anyone else with special requests ? We’re here until dinner, and yes, we’re cooking for everyone !

(again cheers are elicited from the crowd)

Gigi: (creepily) Yes, we would love to hear The Police’s “Every Breath You Take”.

Meredith: (slightly weirded out) That’s really…sweet. Who is it for ?

(Both Gigi and Lee speak as one but to different characters, rather lustfully)

Gigi: For that cute stud muffin over there !

Lee : For that cute goddess over there !

(Danielle and Jessie look at each other and hear the “Twilight Zone” theme go through their minds)

Shannon: Alright, away we go…

Eustace: (joins in with her) One, two, three, four…

(Everyone begins singing “Every Breath”, but they don’t notice how Gigi and Lee have managed to squeeze their way through the crowd to be closer to Jessie and Danielle. The mood suddenly turns from one of enjoyment to one of concern for them. Instead of the song by the police the music in the background becomes rather stressed and intense.)

Danielle: (in her mind) Both of those fans look really familiar. If I didn’t know any better I would think they followed us from the last gig…(out loud) Wait a minute !

(Everyone stops, feedback on the amp, audience groans)

Audience member #1: Why did you stop ?

Jessie: Nothing personal folks.

Danielle: We feel that we are in danger.

Audience member #2: You’re not in danger, but you might be if we don’t receive the food we were promised.

Jessie: (softly to Danielle) Damn, she’s got us there.

(Both Gigi and Lee know they’ve got their prizes right where they want them…)

Danielle: Ok, we’ll stay for dinner. But after dinner, we’re gone. And you two…Don’t follow us !

(Gigi and Lee look at each other innocently)

Gigi: (to Lee) I didn’t think she would recognize us from the last few gigs ! She’s got an exceptional memory.

Danielle: And incredible hearing too, Gigi.

Gigi: (shocked, says nothing more)

Lee: (rubs hands together)

Danielle: Don’t even think about sitting next to me at dinner, Lee. It hasn’t been pleasant during our last few encounters. I don’t like being brushed up against awkwardly as if you’re a cat and I’m apholsertry. I am NOT a couch, thank you very much.

Gigi: Whoo, buddy ! BURN !

Jessie: That goes for you too, Gigi. I don’t like my personal space violated. If we ever see you two again, trust us, we’re calling local area police.

Danielle & Jessie: (proudly) And they will shut you down !

(both friends look at each other sadly, their spirits dampened, knowing that their objects of affection mean business and aren’t fooling around)

Danielle: (narrating over another song that someone else requested, something less creepy, “Smoke On the Water”) That was when Gigi and Lee disappeared from our lives for good. Something tells me they still watch from afar, from the comfort of their own homes. Just so long as they’re not groping their way around me…Frankly, I’m fine. Fans like that give me the willies. (shudders)

Scene 3—Quiet Before the Storm of Fans

Danielle: (narrating) After the long concert and the good eats, everyone had settled down to go to sleep. The grandparents took the helm of the Good Ship Lunacy. I had no idea we would be running into email fans, and they were crazier than the stalkers…

(buries head into laptop) Oy, vey…

(They come upon their destination and are met by a slew of fans)

Email fan #1 (with Burgess family Tee): Hey, it’s them !

Email fan #2: Couldn’t you just DIE, Loreen ?

Email fan #1: Yes, but catch me before I faint ! (swoons)

Email fan #3: We are humbled by your greatness, oh great Burgesses.

Danielle: (raised eyebrow) Uh…huh. That’s…perfect. Could you excuse us ?

Jessie: Yeah, we kinda need to set up our risers if you don’t mind.

Email fan #4: Of course, right ! (loudly over a loudspeaker) Would you guys SCRAM !

The Burgesses are TRYING to put on a concert for us !

(Both clear out their ears at once, Argo howls)

Fans: Argo ! (Argo rushes back into the trailer to hide, and locks the trailer door behind him)

Grandpa: (to grandmother) (giggles) Even the dog is freaked out…Poor dude.

If I were a dog, I’d be taking his lead.

Grandma: (to grandfather) I wouldn’t fret over it too much, dear. After all, Eustace, we’ll be high-tailing it out of here and heading back home to the simple life.

Grandpa: Then we wait until my crazy son wants to do it all over again.

(Both exhale in exhaustion as they help set up the speakers and risers)

(Time passes, and all elements are set in place)

7