i smile; it's better this way. it's better to face your fears, as i know, despite the fact that he's not a fear so much as a distraction. but he's a beautiful distraction at that, all big eyes and wild hair, and i burrow closer. the warmth radiates off his body in waves, and it feels like magic. it feels like healing. it feels like the start of something new, except that there's no singing and musicals in this number, only cold autumn nights and silence.

and i've never really like silence. because silence leaves me to thoughts; demons that should have been put to rest ages ago. it's my downfall; who knows what will kill me first: myself or my heart.

"what are you thinking about?" his voice is low and grumbly from lack of use, and i wonder how long we've been lying here. i can't tell if it's been seconds, minutes, hours, days, but judging by the sensation of wet grass against my side, it's been quite awhile.

i open my mouth to speak, but the words die in the back of my sandpapery throat. instead, i shrug my shoulders. i run my thumb over a vein in his wrist and wonder if he's ever been in love before, whether he's been hurt before. i decide he hasn't. in the moonlight, the vein is dark against the stark whiteness of his skin on his perfect wrist; hell, everything about him is perfect. i stare at my own wrist, each score and scar a story for some other day, any time but now.

i stare up at his beautiful face, full of hope, and it's then when i realize that this is wrong. he's young and by the look on his face, he's not ready. two years his senior, i am, and i've learned and seen so much more in this life so far than he'll ever have the misfortune to.

"nothing." i finally manage, and his features scrunch up slightly, flawless crows feet lining his eyes. i'm not sure what he's doing here, perfect as he is. i'm damaged, used goods, and he's brand new, and he deserves better.

an alabaster finger wipes a tear i never noticed off my cheek, and i lean closer into him. my smile returns.

i'm not sure how we got here.

i'm not sure that i want to.