Those Secrets

By: Samil Lerggiw

Chapter 1: Not So Bad

“Where the freak are my pants?!” Samuel exclaimed as he suddenly looked down. He was halfway to England and he had not pants. Samuel had always hated long trips, sort of like those ones that happen when parents think that they’re taking children somewhere cool, but the children feel as though the trip will never end, end when they finally get to Aunt Verna’s, realizing its only a cow pie farm, they exclaim, “Mommy, lets keep traveling,” and with one accord their parents tell them, “No, this is the place, there’s plenty fun here.” That’s sort of like this novel. And while I was thinking about that, Samuel realized that he had left the water faucet on at his house. And so, with no further ado, he had grabbed a parachute and dived out the plane in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. But I’m sure you wouldn’t want to hear about that. But just in case you do, Samuel had performed the above actions and was now skydiving. Having never skydived before, Samuel wasn’t quite sure what to do. Naturally, this frightened him. To his good fortune though, he soon realized that there was a shape falling next to him. A flurry of brown hair encompassed this woman’s face, like a flurry of snow would encompass the sky, rendering all visibility null and void, like space. The woman said something which was lost to Samuel, but likely went as such:

“When falling without pants, one feels like a buffalo, and seeks to pull on the parachute cables.” (Alternate Translation: “When one’s pants are not there, like the buffalo, it is even more helpful to activate one’s parachute, especially when falling.”)

“What!?” Samuel yelled. The woman held up her hand to give a three second countdown, and with her other hand she grabbed onto her parachute pull. Samuel hurriedly grabbed his pull as well, waiting for the countdown to end. Then, when the woman had put down her last finger, both she and Samuel pulled their parachute, their speed immediately slowing to a gentle fall. It was at this point that Samuel saw, about a mile or two, or, more likely, seven away, a plane. Now, there are various types of planes. There are jet planes, commercial airlines, stealth bombers, rickety old biplanes, amongst many, many more, but this particular plane seemed rather special, it seemed to be a particularly luxurious plane, and even from the long distance, Samuel could tell that the plane likely contained a full-scale theater and an entire staff of Swedish bodyguards, perhaps Samuel learned this from his own intuition, but more likely it was from the giant eagle painted all over the plane. This particular plane was called The Luxurious Eagle. The Luxurious Eagle was particularly famous for its incredible movie theater and entire staff of Swedish bodyguards, all set there solely for the nobility of Norway to enjoy. Little did Samuel know, but this plane was currently transporting the incredibly hot Prince of Norway, Andor. Samuel also did not know about the fifteen chickens parachuting behind him. And while I was relating this to you, Samuel and his lady companion had landed quite softly on the comfortable roof of The Luxurious Eagle, and both of them had let their parachutes fly. The woman took a step and, to Samuel’s amazement, began to unscrew a hatch similar to those that would be found on submarines. The woman beckoned to Samuel for him to follow, and, realizing that he was getting cold very fast without his pants, followed her down.

“What was it you were trying to tell me up there, while we were falling?” Samuel asked as the woman opened an air duct.

“Just a quote by Oscar Wilde that pertained to our situation,” she said.

“Oh, forgive my rudeness,” Samuel said with a start as the woman began to climb into the air duct, “but who are you?”

“I’ll answer with another quote by Oscar Wilde: I like to think I’m an example of superior life in this universe,” the woman said before entering the air duct.

“I’ve got another question, why don’t we just take the hallways?” Samuel inquired crawling into the ducts after the woman.

“Because,” she said, “I want to see Andy, not some Swedish bodyguard’s fist in my face.”

“Oh. I suppose that’s rather sensible,” Samuel mumbled, before saying, “hey, do you suppose you could get me some pants, and then I’ll be on my way home, to stop my house from flooding.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the woman said, “but, I don’t think pants are in season this time of year, I don’t think I could get you any.”

“Oh,” Samuel said before receeding into his thoughts. Why didn’t he have any pants? And, more importantly, who was this woman who had suddenly become his traveling companion? And what did she mean when she said pants weren’t in season? Now, as you all probably know, when something isn’t in season it means it hasn’t yet reached fruition, it isn’t fully ripe. So, perhaps, when the woman said that pants weren’t in season, she meant that they weren’t ripe yet, or perhaps she meant that pants had not yet reached their full potential, and were, therefore, unnecessary. And so the two traversed the air ducts, Samuel still contemplating the mystery of his pants, and trying to figure out how to get home to check whether or not he had left the water running, and the mysterious woman leading the way.

Suddenly, the woman stopped, Samuel bumping into her hindquarters. “Sh,” she whispered to him. It appeared to Samuel as though she might have been looking down into a room of some sort, and then, as Samuel began to focus, he heard words. First he heard a woman say, “Ah, this is the kind of life to be living, isn’t it son?”

“Lipstick galore, what other kind of life would I wish to live mother?” the son replied in a very charismatic tone, which, somehow, seemed to gloss over the utter wrongness of a man choosing a life filled with lipstick. But maybe, the lipstick filled his life in a way, sort of like a good meal fills an empty stomach, just to perfection, but not beyond. Just as we, in life, try to do. We try to perfect ourselves, but never do we try to go beyond. Perhaps that is because it is impossible to go beyond, sort of like is the case with infinity, or maybe, it is because, as humans, we are mentally incapable of comprehending it, just as you are mentally incapable of discerning what this crazy chick, the woman, is up to. But, while you were reading that, she had begun to unscrew the grate which she had been looking through, and, in fact, right now she has pulled it off. And so you are now wondering, does she jump down now? But, I, unfortunately, must be the one to tell you, that she does not jump down yet, but rather, she pauses, like a little unsure twitch just before a pickpocket’s first tender steal. And then she said to Samuel, “One question, are you ready to go through with our plan?”

“What plan?” Samuel asked innocently.

A strange look came over the woman’s eyes, as though she was no longer quite so sure of herself, but it quickly passed as the man below said, “Dertathalon, please bring me a new amber lipstick tube, I’m afraid this one has been used before and needs to go to my father’s subjects.”

And then the woman told Samuel, “I’m surprised you can’t remember, it was just up in the plane, only minutes ago.”

“Only minutes ago,” Samuel replied.

“Yes, I believe the subjects will need that,” the mother said.

“I discovered I wasn’t wearing any pants,” Samuel finished.

“Really now that’s,” the woman began.

“An amber lipstick tube, sir,” Dertathalon said.

“interesting,” the woman finished, “did you lose your pants in the jump?”

“No, actually,” Samuel began.

“That’s a burnt amber lipstick tube Dertathalon,” the mother said.

“I realized I didn’t have any when I was still on the plane,” Samuel said.

“Are those-“ the woman began.

“Amber lipstick tubes are just to the right,” the man below added.

“boxers of a dying blue color?” the woman asked Samuel.

“Why-“ Samuel began.

“I should have known,” Dertathalon said.

“yes, these boxers are dying blue,” Samuel said, “why would you ask me that?“

“You should have known that, Dertathalon,” the mother said.

“Because,” the woman said, “if you were who I thought you were, then you would not be wearing the color boxers that I think you are. So, since you are wearing-“

“An amber lipstick tube, sir,” Dertathalon said.

“you must not be who I thought you were. So then, if you’re not who I thought you were, then who are you?” The woman continued.

“I’m Samuel.” Samuel said.

“Oh,” the woman said shortly, “It all makes sense now. That’s why you asked my name. Then, why did you follow me?”

“It seemed a good idea at the time,” Samuel said.

“Oh. And what about the parachuting?”

“I have to get to my home so I can see if I really did leave the water running.”

“Oh. By the way, did you know that Oscar Wilde is famous for saying, ‘Oh?’”

“No, what is this with you and quoting Oscar Wilde?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean-“ Samuel began, but failed to complete his sentence as he was shot with a taser. Now, for those of you who have not been shot with a taser before, it is often rumored to be quite painful, and, in some cases, it is. For example, I would far rather not get hit by a taser when I’m in front of a charging rhino. But, for those of you who are acquainted with a taser, when it hits you, you actually feel a kind of tingling sensation. So, when Samuel got hit with a taser, it really was not so bad.

Chapter Not Really A Chapter: The Story

Now, sometimes it is necessary to look upon the past in order to contemplate the present. For example, just the other day, I was wondering, will I ever get a good and absolutely amazing peck on the cheek by an incredibly wonderful peck on the cheek. So, I looked at my past and realized that, I have had some events that hint that, some time in my life, I might receive that Pleasant Display of Affection(PDA), which, as could be discerned from my past, I would come to regret within a month. Something similar to this circumstance was happening to Samuel. He would later come to regret the choice he had made a year prior to the misplacement of his pants. I believe that, when looking back on it he described it as such:

“It was a terrible decision, I had already obtained a degree and been offered a great job, and I would have had a good life, never coming on this terrible plane trip to Europe. I could have been happy in California. In fact, if it wasn’t for my horse, I would never have spent that year in college,” Samuel said to himself in a soliloquious manner. Then, his eyes caught on a strange sight, and so, he suddenly looked down, sputtering, “Where the freak are my pants!” It was also about that time when he realized, not only was he not wearing pants, but he may have left the faucet on at his house. This thought later came back to haunt him, just as his decision to attend college for another had, and just as a PDA I might receive likely will. If Samuel had looked back on his own past, he might have realized that he had a knack of regretting long-term decisions he made, like when he decided to get a job for a summer, or when he decided to write a novel, about a man writing a novel, about a man writing a novel, about a man writing a novel, about a man writing a novel within the month of November, within the month of November, within the month of November, within the month of November, within the month of November. Sometimes though, it is also important to look into someone else’s past, in order to figure out their relation to yourself, and their probable course of action to you. In this case we will be looking into the past of a certain redhead wh-

“I’m not a redhead,” she carefully reminded me as I penned the previous line into my notebook. Ahem. In this case we will be looking into the past of a certain person who plays a major role in this story, and might have had red hair, but clearly didn’t. There are two events in this person’s past that are distinctly vital for you to hear so that you can understand the rest of this novel:

Number one: A couple years back, this woman had an infatuation with Inigo Montoya. When, on one dreary December day, this woman was out for a stroll in the pouring snow, she saw Inigo Montoya walking from a car towards a house, and so this woman walked up to him and said, “Inigo Montoya! I love you like the jelly in a sandwich!”

And Inigo Montoya replied, “I’ve never been fond of redheads, sorry.”

“I am NOT a redhead,” the woman replied.

“Well, it seems to me you are, I shall fight you to prove my point.”

“I will defend my purpose well,” the woman said, tears beginning to roll down her cheeks like a person who is late for a very important class with a rather strict teacher. The fight was brief, Inigo Montoya, with a quick flick of his left hand, had sliced a small cut into the woman’s left arm. And then he left her. That was the first important event in the woman’s life.

Number two: Nearly the same thing happened with Jack Sparrow. Now that we know this, we can perhaps begin to comprehend the next thing to take place in our story.