Dearest Hel,

I hope the Underworld has been treating you well. I am sure you are just bursting to hear of my ventures in the mortal world since we parted ways, so here is a short account of all that has happened.

On October 10th, I went through the truly dreadful experience of being born. I rarely envy humans, but I do wish I could forget that awful memory as easily as they do. Thor, dear fellow that he is, actually gave me a male body this time. Thank the heavens.

Anyway, my poor mother gave me up for adoption. Being as attractive and irresistible as I always am, I was adopted almost immediately.

The woman’s name was Ms. Maybelle, if that gives you any indication about the hick culture I’ve been forced in to. She’s old and a bit overweight, but in the healthy-countrified way, you know?

My childhood was oddly pleasant. There were no broken bones, lost limbs, or large boulders dropped conspicuously close to my skull. I guess the Fates are slacking off.

Recently, Ms. Maybelle decided that I should start going to regular school instead of home school. I think this might have something to do with her BINGO games being moved to the weekdays. It’s exciting. I’ve never been to high school before!

Well, I guess that’s all I have to say. I hope this letter reaches you before my first day so you can send me all your best wishes.

Love,

LOKI

P.S. OH MY GOSH. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU SAID WHEN I WAS GIVEN A MORTAL BODY, RAGNORAK WOULD START! IT’S BEEN SEVENTEEN YEARS! WERE YOU JOKING? I KNOW MY NICKNAME IS THE TRICKSTER BUT THAT ISN’T FUNNY AT ALL! YOU SUCK!

Sorry, I lost my temper. Seriously, though, when?

Father,

Be patient. Stop writing me. If you send me one more letter describing your early years, I will kill you.

Love,

Hel