Authors' Note: This is a screenplay we wrote in our writing class with another student. It has nothing to do with Overlord, unfortunately, but since it is a joint work by us we thought you might enjoy it!

Storyteller Knight/SamoaPhoenix

MINIONS OF THE BARD

FADE IN:

INT. LIBRARY – STUDY ROOM – NIGHT

TONY, a 15-year-old high school student, sits at a table in the center of the room, books and papers spread around him. A LIBRARIAN enters and tips two more books onto the table.

LIBRARIAN

Here you go, dear. These are on life in the sixteenth century. Anything else I can help you with?

TONY

No thanks. I’m good for now, I think.

LIBRARIAN

All right. Let someone at the circulation desk know if you need anything.

She leaves. Tony opens a book and leafs through it. He slams it shut and reaches for the next. He glares at the bust of William Shakespeare set on a pedestal at the opposite end of the room from the door.

TONY

I hate you.

He puts his head face down on the open book. Suddenly, he hears the sound of fingers moving furiously on a keyboard. He looks up. Sitting across from him is HAMLET, 18, on a laptop. He has white-blond hair, glasses on the end of his nose, and nerdy attire.

HAMLET

Hey, are you using that?

TONY

Huh?

HAMLET

The book. (points) Using it?

TONY

What? Oh. No.

He hands over the book. Hamlet takes it and flips through it furiously. He finds a specific page and runs and finger down it.

TONY

How long have you been in here?

Hamlet gestures dramatically with one hand while not taking his eyes off the screen and continuing to type with the other hand.

HAMLET

What is time but a relative means of explaining our own perception of the destiny of mankind?

TONY

Excuse me?

HAMLET

To excuse is nothing more than a diversion from the bare facet of reality.

Tony stares at him. OPHELIA, 16, enters. She is dressed all in black, with dyed black hair, black makeup, and more piercings than one might care to count. She sits in the chair next to Hamlet and puts both feet in his lap.

OPHELIA

Hey. How come you didn’t call me last night?

Hamlet pushes her feet away.

HAMLET

Not now, Ophelia. I’m on the verge of a major breakthrough.

TONY

Wait. What did you just call her?

OPHELIA

My name. Duh. (to Hamlet) So, my dad totally got on my case again last night. You know, the speech about how my brother’s the perfect one, and why can’t I be more like him, and how decent girls who want decent marriages don’t wear black, and — Hamlet, are you even listening to me?

TONY

Hamlet? Ophelia?

They ignore him. Tony grabs The Complete Works of William Shakespeare off the desk and frantically starts turning pages. He finds a certain page, reads for a second, and sinks back into his chair.

TONY

Oh, no. This isn’t happening.

OPHELIA (to Tony)

Dude, what’s your problem?

HAMLET

What’s your problem, Ophelia? Why can’t you just leave me alone? Go join a nunnery or something. I bet your dad would be happy then.

Ophelia jumps up.

OPHELIA

Why does everybody always tell me that? I’m so sick of hearing that. Next time somebody tells me to go to a nunnery I think I might go kill myself!

She storms out. Hamlet calls after her.

HAMLET

Check the printer on your way out! I just sent a list of the 101 best ways to commit suicide from this great website I found!

TONY

Is she going to be alright?

HAMLET

Fine. She does this all the time.

Hamlet adjusts his glasses and returns to typing. ROMEO, 15, enters. He is the quintessential prep, complete with smoothly combed hair and popped collar.

ROMEO (to Hamlet)

Hey man, I just saw Ophelia. What did you do to piss her off this time?

HAMLET

Why, dear Romeo, do you instantly lay the blame of this egregious state of affairs at my weary feet, whence I have done nothing to offend e’en the most melodramatic of souls?

ROMEO

Alright, I get it. You were being you.

TONY

Romeo?!

Romeo sits down next to Tony.

ROMEO

That’s me. So how’s it hanging?

TONY

OK, can someone please explain what’s going on here?

ROMEO

You’re doing a project on Shakespeare, right?

TONY

Yeah, I’m trying to relate the plays to modern life. So?

ROMEO

The Man thought you could use some help with that, so here we are.

TONY

The man?

ROMEO

The Man.

Romeo jerks his head towards the bust of William Shakespeare. Tony still looks confused.

HAMLET

What a simpletonious twat. Do we have to spell it out for you? W-I-L-L-I-A-

TONY

The Shakespeare? He’s The Man?

ROMEO

Duh.

MIRANDA, 16, enters. She is dressed in a tube top and miniskirt, her long hair is in two high ponytails, and she is talking on her cell phone.

MIRANDA

…and then he said what? (pause) Like, omygod, I can’t believe it either. (pause) Like, no way. That’s, like, totally crazy. (pause) Sorry, I can’t. I’ve got, like, a thing going on right now. (pause) Right. I’ll tell him. Love ya, girlfriend. Bye.

She hangs up and flips her phone shut. She stalks over to Hamlet and cuffs him on the back of the head. He doesn’t even look up.

HAMLET

What was that for, Miranda?

MIRANDA

Like, don’t give me that. Ophelia tells me you, like, so totally deserved that.

TONY (whispering to Romeo)

Uh, who’s Miranda?

ROMEO

Look, me R and J, he Hamlet, and she Tempest. Follow, man?

TONY

Yeah, me idiot. You, not real.

MIRANDA

Aww, isn’t he cute?

PUCK enters. A green-skinned teenager with white hair and pointed ears.

PUCK

I’ll second that.

TONY

Who the hell are you?

PUCK

Why, I’m everybody’s favorite fairy.

TONY

You sure look like one.

ROMEO

Tony, man, this is Puck. He’s from A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

TONY

Thanks. I got it. What are you people all doing here?

ROMEO

Dude, didn’t we explain that already? The Man sent us to help.

TONY

Forget The Man! This is getting ridiculous. I mean, one minute I’m here researching for this stupid project, and the next minute (gestures towards Hamlet) he’s calling me a simple…simple…simple- something twat. OK, so if you’re here to help me, then HELP!

ROMEO

Chill out, man. It’s all good.

MIRANDA

I think he’s hot.

PUCK (to Miranda)

Silencio!

ROMEO (to Tony)

So, what do you want us to do? Start asking questions.

TONY

Um, OK. Why are you guys dressed like…like this? Shouldn’t you be in, I don’t know, wigs and ruffs and stuff like that?

MIRANDA

You honestly expect us to wear that stuff? It’s so (makes a face) out. I mean, this top with this skirt? Are you saying you don’t like the way I look?

She looks like she’s about to cry.

ROMEO

Relax, Miranda. This guy obviously doesn’t have any sense of what’s in. I mean, look! He doesn’t even have a collar to pop.

HAMLET

Popping collars. Completely unfunctional.

ROMEO

Hey, do I insult your checkered shirt? Um, no.

TONY

Wait a minute. Are you guys trying to tell me something with all of this? Is it like a metaphor, or something?

PUCK

Oh, no. Most of us are way too shallow for metaphors.

MIRANDA

Like, omygod, did you know that Puck spelled backwards is ‘cup’?

PUCK

A round of applause for Miranda for proving my point.

Tony slams his hands on the table and stands up.

TONY

That’s it, I’m out of here. This is getting me nowhere.

He stalks toward the door.

ROMEO

Now, hold on there, man. Chill; we didn’t mean anything by it. It’s just the way we are. Ask another question.

Tony drops back into his chair, exasperated.

TONY

Sure. Fine. Ask you more questions. But what good would that do me? I mean, it’s not like I can cite any of you people as sources. And even if I did, my teacher would never believe me.

MIRANDA

Oh, I know! I’ll, like, take a picture on my new cameraphone! A picture’s worth a thousand…a thousand…oh, a thousand of something. You know. Anyway, that’ll prove you met us, right?

PUCK

That’s a great idea!

He drags Hamlet out of his chair and behind Tony’s chair.

HAMLET

Release me, foul sprite!

Miranda sets up to take the picture.

MIRANDA

Hey, I want to be in the picture, too!

PUCK

Oh, fine. Give me the camera. Romeo, hang onto this one. (indicates Hamlet) Don’t let him get away until we’re done.

He hands Hamlet’s arm off to Romeo, goes around the table, and takes the phone from Miranda. She runs happily around the table and flings her arms around Tony’s shoulders.

MIRANDA

Ready!

PUCK

Smile, everyone!

He only gets a noticeable response from Romeo and Miranda but takes the picture anyway. As soon as he’s done, Miranda skips back to reclaim her phone. Romeo releases Hamlet’s arm. Hamlet returns to his computer and starts typing away with a scowl.

MIRANDA

Hamlet, I’m emailing this pic to you. Like, print it out for me, OK?

HAMLET

Kinda busy right now.

Miranda pouts.

MIRANDA

Aww, pretty please with a cherry on top?

HAMLET

All right. Whatever.

He continues to type.

HAMLET

Done.

PUCK (to Tony)

OK, so you have your proof. What else do you need to ask us?

TONY

I’m good for now, I think. Listen, no hard feelings about the fairy thing, right?

PUCK

Of course not. Here, shake on it?

He puts out a hand and Tony shakes it. He is immediately shocked by a joy buzzer concealed in Puck’s hand.

TONY

Ow! What was that for?

Everyone else laughs. Puck shrugs and holds up a hand, revealing the buzzer.

PUCK

Trickster. What can I say?

ROMEO

I can’t believe you fell for that one, man.

Tony slams his fists onto the table.

TONY

All right, that’s enough! I get it, OK? This is how Shakespeare works. You’ve all become modern stereotypes. Miranda, you’re the ditzy valley girl; Romeo, you’re the self-centered prep. Why Juliet ever fell in love with you I can’t begin to guess. Hamlet, you’re all brain and no action. Puck, I don’t even know what your problem is. And Ophelia needs to learn that suicide is not a way out. And to think for herself. Did I miss anything? Now can you all just GO AWAY?!

He puts his head down on the table in frustration. After a moment, he looks up because there has been no response to his tirade. The room is empty. The book he lent to Hamlet is back in front of him, open to the same page. He looks around in puzzlement. The librarian enters carrying a small stack of papers.

LIBRARIAN

Young man, I just wanted to remind you that we’re closing in fifteen minutes.

TONY

Ah…oh. OK. Thanks. (pause) Listen, you didn’t, uh, see anybody leaving this room, did you? Two guys, a girl, and a…well, did you see anyone?

LIBRARIAN

I’m sorry. I don’t think anyone’s come or gone from this room since you arrived.

TONY

Oh. OK. Thanks.

LIBRARIAN

By the way, young man, you don’t happen to know who these belong to, do you? They were on the printer, and we’ve been asking around before we recycle them.

She holds out the stack of papers. Tony takes them. On top is the grainy photo of himself, Hamlet, Romeo, and Miranda. He turns to the next page. The title: 101 Best Ways to Commit Suicide.

TONY

I…ah… This one’s mine.

He takes the photo.

TONY

I don’t know who that other stuff belongs to. Somebody really disturbed, looks like.

LIBRARIAN

That’s what we thought. But it can’t hurt to check. Remember—

TONY

Fifteen minutes. Thanks. I’ll be out in time.

The librarian leaves. Tony gathers up his books and papers in silence, glancing surreptitiously at the bust of Shakespeare as he does so. Once he has everything, he heads for the door. Just as he’s about to leave the room, he turns back and speaks directly to the bust.

TONY

Thanks.

FADE OUT