Nephi laid quietly on her bed. She looked over at the clock placed on her night table.

She was on a ship in the middle of nowhere. Not that you could tell by the design of the room. She had hung heavy white sheets from the walls of her quarters. Most of the crew had complained of course, not that the state of the room really bothered them. It was the fact that the Captain was also her father, and the entire crew was convinced that this was the only reason she was allowed the sheets, double bed, tables, chairs, and every other little Earth convenience she had locked in her quarters.

But of course the real reason Nephi had a room that when you walked into it looked like you had just walked into a room of the Buckingham Palace, the Captain would never reveal. This was because she had sneaked them onto the ship. Not that he knew how she could sneak a house full of stuff onto a ship that was guarded by over five hundred military men.

The clock beside her bed began to sound. It was five O’clock. Nephi was not a military officer, and so she refused to ever refer to it as O-five-hundred hours. In fact she loathed just hearing it.

The fact was the only reason she was on this particular ship in this particular piece of nowhere was because of her skills as a writer. Now it may seem a strange thing that the military would employ a writer just to travel in a gun armored space ship, that was destined to end up in the middle of nowhere. And at that an uninhabited nowhere. But you see that is what they did. Nephi had for years written stories about science and romance, all of course just prattle.

Nephi rolled over and threw the annoying clock across the room.

“Damn thing! Can’t you ever shut up? Or maybe you could just once try and wake me up with a little, ‘buzz’ instead of that blasted whine!!” Anyone at this point who passed by her quarters would have thought her insane. And that was what Officer Babek thought as he passed by her quarters at that moment.

“Great! Now I must get up! Now see what you are making me do! Because of your whining I have to go and take notes on the asinine bridge!!” Nephi was never really considered a sane person, not once.

She stepped off her bed and began to clothe herself.

“Stupid military uniform, stupid military boots, STUPID MILITARY!!” She made sure it was loud enough for anyone passing by to hear. But at this moment no one did.

Nephi cursed.

By the time she had come to the bridge it was now seven, an hour past when she was to make her appearance on the asinine bridge. Asinine of course was her little nic-name for the place.

“Civilian Norce!” Nephi stopped dead in her tracks. Her Father Captain Norce was looking directly at her.

“Civilian Norce, it is O-seven-hundred hours. And I do believe that you were scheduled here at O-six-hundred. Let us try not to be late again.” Nephi raised her hand to her head in a salute.

“Yes SIR! I will SIR!” She then stuck her tongue out and took her seat.

This display could be seen every morning on the bridge. Officers asked for bridge duty just so they could watch. Nephi of course never let them down.

“Civilian Norce. Have I not ordered you to never address me in such a way?”

“Yes, but do you not remember that I am a civilian? I don’t have to take such orders. The fact is I can call you a dumb uninteresting prat, and you can’t even throw me in the brig. And you know what I think that is what I’m going to do.” She turned over in her chair and looked at him. “You my dull-witted Captain are a dumb uninteresting PRAT!!”

She once again stuck out her tongue. Nephi and her Father never really liked each other.

Her Father held in a ‘bloody HELL’ and looked to his navigator. “Officer! What is our position?”

Nephi opened her notebook and began to scribe down what everyone was saying.

Notebook

Captain: Officer whatsyourface! Where the hell are we anyway?

Officer: Somewhere I expect. Let me check this bright light colored thingy on this thing.

Captain: Do that then. I await your answer.

Officer: I have it!

Captain: Well where are we?

Officer: Nowhere.

Captain: Oh good then. Carry on with the unnecessary clicking of the bright buttons.

Officer: Right then Sir!

Officer begins to unnecessarily click the bright buttons. Captain smiles believing he has accomplished something. Which of course he has not.

Real World

“Buzzzzzzzzzz” Nephi looked over to Officer Babek.

“What the hell was that? You on stardust or something?” She closed her notebook.

“What?! I did nothing.” He smirked.

“Whatever you prat.” Prat of course was one of her favorite names, along side of, prude, butthead, stupid, and her all time favorite, Poo head! As anyone can see she never really grew-up.

“Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz” Babek started to laugh.

“POO HEAD” Nephi crumpled up at piece of paper and threw it at Babek’s head. It hit him right between the eyes. Nephi laughed.

“What?! Oh you only wanted to hear that from what was it, oh yes your clock. You know I think the Doctor should really take a look at you. I mean what sane person talks to a clock?”

“Oh bloody hell! You were outside of my room! I should have you thrown in the brig for stalking me. What were you doing out there anyway? I thought you only liked dumb officer types.” Nephi smirked as she drew hearts in her notebook.

The two had been dating for the past sixth months, but no one on the ship knew. Well except Babek’s bunk mate, Elvin, who Nephi absolutely abhorred. He was the straight-laced type, always going on about code forty-two and eighty-four and the blasted section twenty-one. When he talked Nephi had to hold herself back from just sticking her pen in his eye. Though she did once allow herself to throw it at him. Babek had to do lavatory duty just to keep him from throwing Nephi in the brig for harassment. So of course Babek makes sure she is not around when Elvin decides to rant on about how their relationship is breaking every rule.

The two carried on like this for awhile, well until the Captain reprimanded him and sent him to clean out the lavatories. Nephi giggled to herself. The fact was no matter how much she loved Babek, she loved seeing this particular thing happen to him even more.

“Civilian Norce, do you find something funny in disturbing my crew?” Though talking to her, he kept his gaze at the screen in front of him.

“Actually yes I do. In fact I would come out here dressed as a mime, if you had not confiscated my imaginary box already.” Captain Norce began to make a reply to her insane comment, but was rudely interrupted by his ship being shot at.

“Captain there is a hostile ship firing at us.” The Navigator quickly stated. Nephi could not believe what had just been said. Before anything else happened she jotted it down in her notebook.

“I think I already knew that Officer. Why did you have to say such a daft statement? Do you not think that when we were shot at I knew. Or did you think I was standing here and at the moment the ship fired at us thought: ‘Huh. That is weird the ship just shook. It must be cold, maybe we should turn up the heat!’” The Navigator stared blankly at his Captain,

then looked back down at his console.

Again the ship was fired at. The entire crew at this point was busy doing a variety of things, which included but was not limited to: screaming, running to the escape pods, running to the lavatories, pushing bright lit up buttons, gathering into groups of all the ugly people and groups of all the good looking people: This one in case they are forced to land on some near by planet and create a new human civilization, as well as offer the ugly group to the aliens in exchange for freedom. But most on the ship were simply running around like a chicken that had just had his head cut off after having a rather wonderful bit of feed, which he wished he had eaten the entire thing instead of cutting back in order to watch his weight. This may seem excessive, but one finds that excessive is a rather nice thing when your ship is being fired at.

“Officer try and communicate with the alien ship.”

“Yes Sir!” He began again to push buttons, and just as before nothing happened.

“They are not responding to our signal Sir. I have tried all frequencies.”

“Prepare the Weapons Division. I want them ready to fire on my mark.” The entire bridge crew began buzzing, shouting commands and slamming on button after shiny button. All Nephi could do was sit back and write down the account in her notebook, her account of it of course.

Notebook

Captain: Fire missiles one through six at the mean ship!

Officer1: Firing missiles!

Captain: Good!

Officer2: Missiles have missed the bully ship Sir, they are now headed home.

Captain: Um...ok, well how long do we have?

Officer2: Till they hit Sir.

Captain: I mean how long till they hit, you stupid numskull!

Officer2: One...

Real World

Nephi dropped her pen as the missiles hit the ship.

“Bloody!! Can’t you people learn to shoot right?!” She knelt down and crawled across the bridge floor trying to catch her pen as it rolled back and forth.

Cables broke and swung around the room, burning everyone with the shimmering sparks that flew from their torn ends. People started falling left and right, blood smeared across every part of them.

Just as everyone began to believe that the worst had come, the most worst came.

“Sir individuals from the ship has docked onto our ship and are now entering.”

“Hell! This is great! Arm yourselves!”

Just as everyone charged their huge mega-loud super bang guns, this being the name Nephi called them, ten bright neon yellow aliens walked onto the bridge.

“Now my diminutive enemies, you shall feel my colossal wrath!! Raise before me and prepare to...” The tall neon yellow alien shut his mouth and looked around the room.

“Geklaka could you hand me that clipboard again.” He addressed one of the other extremely neon yellow aliens. Geklaka handed him the clipboard.

The alien, that seemed to be the leader of the brightly colored group, started scratching his head. Or what seemed to be his head, at that it was hard to tell if he was even a ‘he’ or a ‘she’. As far as anyone staring at him was concerned he could actually be a ‘it’ or even a ‘what?!’.

The apparent leader continued to scratch his apparent head and looked around the room. Then he-she-it-what looked at the clipboard, then around the room, then back at the clipboard. Then as soon as he finished looking at that he looked back around the room.

He handed the clipboard back to Geklaka and spread his mouth into a tense smile.

“Hahahaha...um...” He began to laugh nervously. “Haha...um, well would you believe this...um...hahaha...we kind of mistook you for well, um...haha...well our enemies the Dotuka, and well as you can see you are not them. We are terribly sorry for this, um I guess we should start contacting ships before we shoot them. We really are sorry and we hope you all heal and get home. Really sorry...um...yeah...bye!”

The glowing aliens hopped back into their ship and voomed off into the nothingness of nowhere.

Nephi crawled out from under one of the consoles holding onto her pen tightly.

“That was weird!”

“What was weird?” Babek walked onto the bridge and stared at the bloody mess the covered the floor.

“Um, where were you? I mean didn’t you hear all the hubbub?”

“I was cleaning the lavatory, you know those places are made sound proof. What happened anyway?”

“Oh nothing. We were just attacked by sunny neon yellow aliens who mistook us for someone else, and so decided to shoot at us then say sorry and take off. That’s all.”

Nephi smirked. She wrapped her arms around Babek and slapped a huge kiss across his lips.

This was going to make a really cool story!

--

Author's Note: ok old story, written Feb. 4, 2005.

I know it is random, but then again that is my humor. This is not very well written, though I don't ever plan on re-writing it. There is no use when it comes to randomness such as this. And don't ask about the title, tis all just as random as the story.