A/N: This was originally written in Russian so I had to translate it myself! I tried really hard so please forgive me if there will be some mistakes! This was written not by me; I found it in one Russian site and decided to post here, because it’s really sad how people don’t care about anything, even if they should!

Dead girls’ diary

This is dedicated to Julia.

(Read this diary and maybe you’ll start to appreciate life.)

My name is Julia. On the second of July I’ll be 17. I have cancer already 3years. From the moment when doctors took my last hope I’m waiting for death. This diary I’m writing for myself. It’s the only place where I can be myself. This is for me.

2003-05-15 17:26:53 Sometimes I cry

Really often. When I’m feeling really bad.

When pain doesn’t let me breath

Think

Dream

I cry.

Spare myself

It’s so humanlike.

And often when I don’t have strength

Through tears I talk to god

He’s the only one whom I can say all that I’m thinking

I requested

Screamed

Got angry

I asked:

Why me?

And why not someone else?

Today I know that it has to be this way.

Now besides god I have this diary

Here I can scream

Get angry

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2003-05-15 20:06:54 Today I don’t have any strength

No strength

Not even….

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2003-05-15 23:40:36 2 hours of sleep

It’s just 2 hours

120 minutes

But it helps so much

Thank you god for my 2 hours

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2003-05-16 05:40:33 Internet - is my whole world

Internet is the only escape to the real world that I have left

Without hospitals, doctors, and my mom.

I’m here sitting and writing this diary

Not to have people telling me that they are sorry

I have more than enough of that in my life

I don’t even want people to comment this,

Because, what’s here to comment?

Today I’m not in the mood. I want to scream.

But can’t- don’t have any strength.

Right now is the moment when I can’t take any more of this!

I’m either dying from the pain ore suffering because I can’t sleep, but I so want to!

Ore in the toilet throwing up!

Now I’m in front of my computer and I’m really pissed!

I’m reading different blogs and reading how people don’t want to live.

Fuck!!

I’ll trade with you!

I’m tired of my computer.

Why do I need it anyway?

Why?

I don’t talk to anyone. Because there’s nothing to say!

“Hi! How are you?”

“Hi! Everything’s cool, I have cancer. No one can help me. I’m going to die soon even thou I really love life, but everything’s awesome!”

Great perspective!

Fuck it all!

I have a wish to die as soon as I can and just stop waiting.

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2003-05-16 21:39:14 Imagining death

My mom is pissed at me. Because I don’t speak with her anymore. Because I locked inside myself. I understand her. I know that when I’m suffering, she’s suffering too. Because she’s my mom. Every day it’s getting worst

I’m more afraid of death: even the word “death” frightens me.

My mom tells me that I shouldn’t be afraid. That everybody dies the way they spend their life. I don’t understand it. I couldn’t do so much bad things in the past 17 years to suffer so much.

I’d like to die in my sleep.

With a smile on my face.

Mom knows I’m afraid, she’s afraid too. She just doesn’t show it.

Today I had a visit from our class teacher. He was telling me about friends, school. I wish he didn’t come at all. I am so jealous of them.

I’m jealous that they can go to school, to parties, ride a bike, but more of all that they can live.

He was smiling at me, but I saw his fear to be around me. He was afraid of something unexplainable, he was just afraid.

In moments like that I feel myself as a monster. But I ‘m not contagious. I’m just dying.

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2003-05-17 02:40:51 Mothers cry

Today mom was crying because of me. Now I’m sad.

When I’m suffering from the pain, I’m saying things that I don’t mean to say.

Why do I do it? I don’t even think like that.

I love my mother. She’s the only one that I have.

I was lying on my bed and screaming. My mom came to my room and wanted to hug me, because it’s the only thing that she can do. She told me that she loves me. But I was screaming that if she loves me so much she can prove it by killing me. She left the room in tears.

Why I’m so impossible? She did so much for me.

I hate myself.

I want to take a knife and end it all

I’m stopping believing in god

I’m stopping believing in everything

When will I die?

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2003-05-17 06:24:42 Dream

I don’t sleep a lot. Almost never. And I almost never have dreams

Today I slept for whole 3 hours. I had a dream about my grandma

I remember her really bad, just from the photos

She died when I was 3.

It was a calm dream

Grandma hugged me. She told me not to be afraid. That she’ll be with me. That I won’t be all by myself.

A little calmer.

I feel myself calm

Maybe it’s a sign? Maybe I’ll finally stop suffering.

You know, I got use to the pain. Sometimes I even can take it.

But there are moments when I can’t take it anymore

Like yesterday.

Now I feel myself so weak, so exhausted.

I wish to sleep all that time that I have left

It’s a bad thing that I can’t sleep.

It’s a shame that god doesn’t want to listen to me.

But I have to wait. Everybody has their time.

Today I want to try and smile to my mom.

There are not many smiles left for me to give her

I know that it makes her so happy.

I’m feeling a little tired, I’ll go and lay down.

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2003-05-17 09:19:49 Myself

I was sitting on the balcony. The sun was shining. I felt so good.

Suddenly I saw Kate. I felt something wear in my stomach.

Something like misery. Like anger.

We were best friends since the kinder garden.

She looked so beautiful. She had beautiful hair.

I too had beautiful hair.

Black. Curly.

Not so long ago I was looking at my old photos.

But it’s just a memory about my beautiful hair.

Now I have only a hat. A blue one. It looks great with my black sad eyes.

Kate has hair, friends, future…

I don’t.

I wanted to call her from the balcony. Wave to her. But why?

She’s afraid of me.

She even visited me 2 times. When I was in hospital.

After doctors told me that it’ll be better for me if I stay home, I called her, she didn’t have time.

Tomorrow, after tomorrow, after this week, after this month. She always didn’t have time.

I even understand her. Why would anybody need someone like me? A plant that dies every day?

Today was the first time I looked at myself, after so much time.

I was looking at myself in the mirror “And no wonder everybody is afraid of me. I look like crap”

I’m afraid of myself

It doesn’t matter because no one is looking at me anyway.

Besides mom,

But she got used to a monster I am

I’m crying again. I’m sparing myself.

Why can’t I be stronger?

Not only I have cancer.

Not only I don’t have hair.

Believe

Strength

Hope

Not only I’m dying!!!

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2003-05-17 23:33:45 When

When I’ll die I’ll feel better…

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2003-05-18 01:41:53 Sparing myself

It’s a fact that this dairy is for me to spare myself.

Scream from pain

From being helpless

It helps me

I can’t keep it inside!

I don’t have anyone to tell all this!

When I howl from the pain, through clenched teeth

I don’t want my mum to hear it.

She always cries because of me. Because of this weird disease!!!

That’s why I did this page.

Today I feel like I’m dying away

That I’m loosing my last energy.

I want to scream.

But why?

It won’t change anything.

If I’ll have enough energy,

I’ll be sparing myself.

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2003-05-18 02:04:26 Today

Today my mom went to church. I really wanted to go, but I can’t.

When doctors told me that there is nothing else they could do.

All I had left was pain and god.

I pray a lot

Talk with god

Ask him

I guess this is the way it should be.

I told my mum that I wanted to talk with priest to drop the weight.

The priest gave me a book with a sign “To Julia, hope, strength and faith”

I guess all I have left is faith.

But sometimes faith also disappears.

Today I thought that I’ll die without even knowing my father.

I don’t even know how he looks like.

I would to now him. Touch his hand.

Mom doesn’t want to talk about him.

All he says is that he hurt us a lot.

Maybe.

But he’s my dad.

It’s a shame my mom can’t understand that.

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2003-05-18 04:56:04 It’s so hard for me

It’s so hard to accept the fact that soon I’ll stop to be.

That I won’t look through the window

Won’t sit on the balcony

Won’t hug my mom

Often I tell myself that I made my piece with it. But I’m just more and more afraid.

I scream more often: “It’s not fair! I had so many plans! So many dreams and wants.”

I’m afraid.

A lot.

But at the same time I’m waiting for the end so much.

I’m crying again. It helps me a little.

I can’t do anything else.

Nobody can.

I want to go to the park so much. Sit under a tree.

I can’t do that either.

Sometimes I regret that I wasn’t born someone else.

Someone without cancer.

I know it’s horrible.

But sometimes I regret that I am who I am. That I won’t live till the prom.

Wedding

Never will feel what it’s like to be a mother

Not much can I do.

It’s so hard for me.

Every night I’m afraid that there won’t be a tomorrow.

That mom won’t be with me.

That there won’t be me.

It’s good that it hurts so much. Good that I can’t sleep. Good that I don’t have any strength to bear it. I won’t regret dying.

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2003-05-18 09:18:44 Screams of my soul

Help me, someone!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t want too!!

I can’t!!

I don’t have any strength!!!

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2003-05-19 04:33:26 Getting weaker

I’m getting weaker.

My mom pushed the table to my bed.

So that I wouldn’t have to get up.

Now I just have to sit down.

I wonder how much more messages will I rite here.

Maybe some more, ore maybe this is the last .

I love this dairy.

It’ll be a shame to leave it.

I have a feeling that every ay I am talking with someone really close to me.

With someone who knows me

Who understands me

Who knows what I’m feeling now.

Today there won’t be any misery.

I don’t have any power for it

Yesterday I had a visit from the priest

It was wonderful to speak with someone who is a living person

He had a really beautiful voice

We talked

I fell already better

I feel myself a little more ready

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2003-05-19 09:22:26 09:22

My mom is ill. Maybe from the pity from the sadness.

And I don’t have any power to take care of her.

Again this unbearable pain.

I throw up.

I can’t take it.

It never got this bad.

I feel that the end is near.

Too bad. But I don’t want to suffer anymore.

I know my mom is tired too.

She can’t work because of me.

Can’t sleep.

I don’t want her to suffer so much.

I prefer to leave.

I’m ready - almost.

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2003-05-20 03:17:08 Birthday

I want to live till my birthday.

It’s really not that far away

Mom promised to take me to the park,

We will sit under some kind of beautiful tree.

We just need to ask the doctor.

I know that he’ll say – no!

Too bad.

For the last time I can’t even stand up from the bed.

It tortures me

It hurts

I guess I’ll never see the park,

Tree,

Sun.

Mom promised me that when I’ll be gone she’ll buy a dog.

I always wanted a dog

But I couldn’t get it

I’m allergic.

And that she’ll walk him in the park.

Sit under a tree.

And then she will think about me.

Today I told about this dairy.

I wasn’t supposed to.

But did

She cried

So did I

She wanted to read it

I didn’t let her

I told her to read it “after"

She cried

We often cry together.

I asked, mom to pray to god, so he would let me stay till my birthday.

Maybe he’ll let

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2003-05-20 09:02:02 Often remember

I like to remember

I have so many memories: Good

Bad and really bad

But it’s good that I remember.

I had a happy childhood.

Even thou my mom raised me alone and sometimes it was hard

But together we were happy

Mom worked as a teacher

Often we had to say no to many things so that we would have some money

But it didn’t matter, we were happy together

She had me,

I had her.

I remember our walks to Povsino (A near by town)

Watching stars at night

Counting rain drops.

We didn’t need much for happiness.

And we lived that way till we found out that I’m ill

That I have cancer.

I remember her face

She doesn’t believe it. That it has happened to her little daughter

Who means a world to her,

Who has so many plans,

Dreams.

Who is just 14.

"How is this possible? No one in our family had cancer. Where did it come from?"

But it did.

At first I had chemotherapy. This was the scariest period of my life.

For a short time a got better.

Really short.

Doctors decided "we’ll operate"

How was I afraid.

Most of all I was afraid not to wake up. Not to see mom.

Woke up.

Doctors said that the operation was successful and that we should expect good things.

We were good.

For whole 2 years

We were happy again. We thought that the nightmare has ended.

Mom worked, I was going to school.

Thought about future.

I wanted to become a doctor.

Too bad

After 2 years they found out that something’s wrong

I screamed, “Cut them out! Cut them out!”

I want an operation,

I want to live

Maybe if I could go to USA to a specialized clinic I would have a chance

It’s too bad we don’t have so much money

My mom tried to find the money

She wanted to take a credit

But no one could help us. Everybody told us that they are sorry – but “sorry” is not enough.

I got worst

We stopped showing up in public

We knew that there is nothing we can do

I told mom that I know that I will die and that I know she knows it too

Mom asked to forgive her

That she can’t give me a new life.

But I’m nit angry at her,

I’m angry at destiny,

At this stupid cancer,

To this cruel world where money rules all

But not at my mom.

Now we are waiting together

We try to be as close as we can

We are happy with each other

Because I know that in my situation every day can be the last day.

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2003-05-21 06:32:37 Worst and worst

I’m getting worst and worst.

This night I had problems with breathing.

Medicine stopped working.

My body became immune to medicine.

I’m so tired.

I would like to fall asleep.

Just for a minute. Too bad that the pain doesn’t let me.

My mom went to see a doctor.

I’m alone.

I’m starting to be afraid.

That she won’t get here on time.

Yesterday I promised to one person

That when I won’t have any more power to type

I’ll put a dot. The sign that I’m still here

Today is this day

Don’t have any strength:

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2003-05-21 16:08:30 Strawberry

I wonder what dose strawberry tastes like?

I don’t remember.

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2003-05-22 10:53:10For you Voithek so that you would know that I’m still here:

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This night, after a long illness and much suffering Julia left us. Thou I knew her only from internet I feel like someone really close left me.

Rest in piece.

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2003-05-23 16:51:37 Julia’s last request

From:

To:

Copy to:

Date: 19 may 2003 03:21

Dear Voithek! (name)

Thank you so much for those month that you spend with me. It helped me so much. Thanks to you and to mom I didn’t leave this world before my time had come .I was for you. You are a unique person .I never saw you but I feel that you were really close to me. I loved you and trusted you.

I feel that the end is really near.

Too bad I didn’t get to know such a wonderful friend like you. But if I’ll go to heave I’ll become your angel.

I have a huge thing to ask you. I gave my mom your number. When everything will end she’ll call you .And you say thanks to those people who were reading my dairy and say that I’m really sorry that I didn’t reply to reviews. I really wanted to, but people get used to other people so fast, even to virtual people, I simply couldn’t let anyone suffer because of me. Say that, it meant a world to me

In the end of this letter I’ll give you the password of this dairy. Please give it to a person who wanted to make it strawberry. I love strawberry!

Promise me that you will sometimes call my mom and ask her how’s she’s doing. I’m so worried about her

I love her so much.

Sorry Voithek that this letter is so short. I just don’t have any strength. I’m getting weaker with every second.

Thank you for everything my friend!