On the Case of Femininity

So. I’m back browsing Fictionpress, because frankly, I have nothing better to do with my short, pathetic life, and I come upon a certain essay, “On the Case of Unfemininity” written by a man that goes by the pen name “Aristotle’s Second Coming.” Now if this essay possessed a more sardonic tone, I might just leave his chauvinism alone, for I am of the opinion that chauvinism is hilarious. Comedy relies on the absurd, you see. Ah well. I had to go back and read another one of this author's stories to figure out that his essay was a rather poor attempt at satire. I seriously suggest that anyone intersted in good satire go and check out the work of "Max Krugman," another author on this site. He now writes under the penname of "Formerly," and has mastered satire. Still, for all intents and purposes, let's just pretend he was being serious. To summarize, his basic point was an attack on the rising “unfemininity” of women. I, too, have noticed a rising unfemininity, so I’ve decided to offer my own wretched thoughts on the subject.

Of course, I would like to first respond to “On the Case of Unfemininity,” for the benefit of all 26 or so of you who bothered to read it. However, a complete response, word for word, to this essay would be inane, so I’ll just cover a couple points to get them out of the way.

Animals don’t have rights, cows and bulls both. Except the right to be delicious. Yes, vegetarians, that’s your cue to pick up the pitchforks and torches.

The idea that lesbian relationships are “unfulfilling” or “inferior” is absurd. If hardcore pornography has taught us men anything, it’s that lesbian relationships are wonderful, beautiful things that must be cherished.

Feminine wiles are indeed potent. I remember this one time this girl cut off my hair! And I lost all my strength! And she sold me out to the Philistines! It was a wild weekend. Good times, had by all.

Another advantage to women staying in the kitchen is that it’s easier for them to make me a sandwich! I just say “make me a sandwich!” And bam! They got the bread, meat, and all the other fixin’s right there at their fingertips. See? Perfection.

That’s probably as much snarkiness and wit you’re going to get out of me right now, so if you don’t give a damn what I think about feminism, now would be a good place to stop reading, give a simple “gj!” review, and be on your way to happier, brighter things.

Still here? Great! Now, I’m not so dull as to not realize that most of the authors (or should I say autheress? Or Womyn? Or Goddesses? Ok. Not funny. Sorry. Never mind) on this fine site are women. So, if I want to talk about women, as a man, I gotta establish some feminism cred. I read the feminist blog “Feministe” semi-regularly, a couple others too, and the occasional issue of “Bitch.” So. I think I have somewhat of a handle on the modern feminist movement. Well. As good a one as a wretch like me can have.

So, what is modern feminism? Hard to define, really. It’s been touted for a lot of different meanings, and insulted for being many more. My best guess? Feminism is the rough concept that men and women are equal. Equality, however, is just as amorphous as our original question. No one’s going to get up and suggest that men and women are physically equal. After all, women have bosoms (ie breasts, jubblies, bazongas, etc, etc, etc. Yes, yes, I’m juvenile.) and men do not. Men have facial hair. Women do not. And if you’ve ever had the utter misfortune of experiencing a sex ed course, you know the downstairs equipment is rather differentiated as well. So feminism doesn’t argue for “physical equality.”

What about mentally? Well, I’m not going to BS you with some nonsense about “wimmenz havin’ smaller brains dem us men folk” but I’ll point out a couple differences that are backed up in actual science. By actual science, I, of course, mean Wikipedia. First: the male and female brains posses several differences. Did you know that a significant portion of the female mind is dedicated to the acquisition and sensory perception of chocolate? True stuff. Didja know that men have a significant portion of they’re brain devoted to, in provincial terms, “gettin’ some?” It’s called the penis. All kidding aside though, no one can argue that the minds of men and women are exactly the same. We think differently, we approach problems differently, etc, etc. So feminism doesn’t really argue for “mental equality” either.

Now the tricky part. “Equality of Capability.” The belief that a woman can beat the stuffing out of a man, and a man can outfox a woman. That we’re all on a level playing field when it comes to women’s ability to learn math or men’s ability to dance ballet on-Pointe. Now, this again probably isn’t true. Men and women are probably simply better than each other at certain things. I’m no sociologist (YET!) so I couldn’t line them up for you, but I will say that I’d bet you can’t really tell either, meaning that it’s not what you would stereotypically assume. Capability, however, deals more in maximums. That the strongest man would beat the strongest woman. The smartest woman would trick the smartest man. However, such arguments are purely theoretical, inconsequential, and frankly, pretty damn useless. So feminism doesn’t argue for equality of capability.

Finally, we come to what Feminism does argue for: equality of rights: The belief that men and women are entitled to the same protections and opportunities as men, and vice-versa. That’s all it means, folks. Let you down a bit? Too bad. Now, some people will still rail even against this simple, self-evident truth, but until you can prove to me that women are less than human, that women do not have feelings, goals, or humanity like men do, that women are essentially a different species altogether, you are never. Ever. Going to convince me that women do not deserve the same rights that men do. Men and women deserve equal protection under the law; do not argue to me that hurting a woman is a lesser crime than hurting a man. Women deserve equal representation in our government; do not argue to me that they can’t handle the “responsibility.” Women deserve equal opportunity in the labor force, do not argue to me that a women cannot be useful to her society. If a certain woman can do a certain job better than a certain man can, let her take it. If a certain man can do a certain job better than a certain woman can, let him take it. It is ability, not gender, that turns the wheels of capitalism.

So much for modern feminism. But do I stop here? Oh no! For you see, our response was to an essay on femininity, not feminism. Though the two tend to overlap, and to talk about the latter, we must understand the former. So, shall we proceed into the magical land of “what Erik thinks about femininity?” Only if you care. If not, once again, feel free to stop reading. It won’t hurt my feelings. Really. It won’t. I’m just… I’m just so very alone is all.

Don’t worry about me though. I just need a drink. Badly. Here’s to three months sober, ladies and gentlemen! Woo!

Right. Well.

Still there?

Alright then, let’s continue. Femininity is the set of values, observations, standards, and goals that define what it is to be a “good woman.” These things shift with time, it seems to me. I still think corsets are hot, but everyone outside the 18th century probably disagrees with me. Maybe you all like thongs are something. I dunno. Lately, though, it seems that femininity has been obliterated by a variety of things. Including, but not limited to, the media, a youth obsessed culture, and sadly enough, some forms of feminism.

History lesson time! (Half assed as it may be) You see, in the hey-day of women’s liberation (back when the best jobs a woman could get were “whore” and “secretary”) there was a movement in feminism to equate the prevailing, puritan-based ideals of femininity with the oppressive wife-beating patriarchy. Furthermore, they set up a new femininity, based on half-assed research into ancient matriarchal societies and Wicca, tree-loving, general hoi-poloi of anti-establishment misagoss. This is where we get all this modern “celebration of the female form” nonsense with “periods being beautiful”, “embracing the goddess within”, “strong, domineering Amazon (dare I say dominatrix? Why not? You’ll all hate me by the end of this essay anyway), and “I am woman, hear me roar” nonsense. Now, I guess that’s all well and good back in the 1970’s, and even now, I guess, even if it isn’t really my taste. However, then all this nonsense gets co-opted by the media and a youth-obsessed culture and all this “girl power” feminism gives us Britney Spears, Christina Agulararararara, etc, etc. You guys know what I’m talking about. “Whore femininity.” Now, compare this to more puritanical femininity, and you can accuse it of being oppressive in a sort of cloistered way, but at least you can’t accuse it of stripping our women naked, making them dance on a pole, suck the fat out of their bellies, ransack them with anorexia and bulimia, before finally removing the pursuit of actual academic knowledge with a misguided sense of “girl power.” I tell you now, ladies and gentlemen, all your “girl power” Bratz dolls are just the next step down on the “Math is Hard!” Barbie ladder.

So modern femininity sucks pretty hard. Doesn’t mean old-school is perfect, but I have a sort of solution for it’s deficiencies. Puritan femininity was designed by several things; conservative clothing, gentleness, and avoidance of argument and discord, a love towards children, and practicality in domestic matters (knowing how to cook, clean, sew, etc). Time was when this is what defined a “good woman.” I’d say it still does. Now, some may say this also included weakness. Tell you what, go to the south, find an old woman (over 60) and see how frail she seems if you screw up your table manners or try to use foul language in her kitchen. You’ll feel the backside of a paddle so fast your “old timey women are weak” views will ache for a month. However, this ideal also included submissiveness to men, perpetual pregnancy, and staying in the kitchen where she belongs. My solution to these shortcomings? Blend old-fashioned femininity with new-fangled feminism? What do you get? All the advantages of a good woman, with none of the oppressiveness and abuse that goes along with it.

The upshot of all this is rather simple. Any argument against modern feminism is based in ignorance and a lack of verifiable fact. Modern femininity is essentially a new incarnation of whoredom. Finally, if you ask any man what he wants in a woman he’ll say (after the big breasts thing) a girl that’s nice, and if girls can’t figure out a way to be nice, well, I guess it’s been a fun ride and all, but humanity is certainly doomed to extinction.

A/N: I’m probably the biggest attention whore you will ever have the displeasure to encounter, so kindly leave a review to soothe my tattered ego. Call me a hypocritical prick or a variety of other unpleasant names. I won’t cry. Much.