No Turning Back

Stephanie Bell

When I was seven years old, my parents, Paul and Andrea, as well as my big sister, Elisabeth, were killed in a freak car accident. My sisters, Kendra, Kelly and Madelyn, and I were left in the care of my Aunt Jackie. Now one thing you should know about Jackie is that she’s really rather flaky most of the time, so Madelyn was really the one to look after us most of the time – since she was the oldest. Though she’d long since moved out of the house, she still constantly came by to check up on the rest of us; especially now that Kelly was a single mother to a little boy.

It was just about the middle of September and my friend, Lauren was having a party. I, of course, would be attending with my boyfriend, Jordan, whom I'd known since I was about five. Unfortunately, the party was being held on a long weekend, and Jordan had to get up early the next morning to visit some relatives in another city. He came for awhile, just to make me happy, but had to leave after just a little while.

So there I sat, alone in my friend's kitchen, sipping from a glass of strawberry soda. Across from me sat a boy I'd known since grade five, but had rarely ever spoken with. His name was Josh. We struck up what I thought was an innocent conversation about our tedious social studies class. Okay, so I may have flirted a little, but that's really just the way I talk to guys most of the time. It’s kind of a habit I have.

It wasn’t too long until Lauren came up to me in tears. She said that her on-again-off-again boyfriend broke up with her for the hundredth. Something you should know about her was that she is a very self-conscious person. She constantly worried that no one likes her, so break-ups were always terrible for her.

I went with her and comforted her as she cried in the bathroom. I promised I'd always be there for her and that she was better off without him. Finally she slowed her tears and I went back to the kitchen.

"Hey," Josh said to me. "I topped off your drink for you. Strawberry, right?"

"Yeah," I replied, smiling.

"How's Lauren doing?" he asked.

"Better. I told her that she shouldn't dwell on him. She's pretty, you know, she could easily get any guy if she just gets some confidence."

"She's not as pretty as you."

"Thanks." I blushed at the compliment, taking a sip of my soda.

"Sarah, you have the most beautiful green eyes I've ever seen. If only all girls were as pretty as you."

"Ha-ha!” I giggled. “Well you're not too bad yourself," I responded in a flirty tone.

He looked at me for a moment, staring just a little too closely at me. He said something under his breath, but I couldn't hear it through the music. He seemed to be inspecting me, so I tried to break the silence.

"So, how are things with you and Nessa?" Vanessa was his girlfriend.

"We broke up last week. She said that I wasn't paying enough attention to her – that my heart wasn't in it. But, I mean, it's high school. Who is really looking for love at this age?"

I took another drink of my soda. "Well, some people are," I replied. I would have used myself as an example, but I wasn't really looking for love, I'd kind of just stumbled upon it. Jordan was pretty much my dream guy.

I suddenly felt strange, like something had taken over my body. I can just barely remember it. Never Give up on the Good Times by the Spice Girls was playing in the background as I was guided up the stairs. I couldn’t remember who I was with, though – and believe me, I tried. I guess I blacked out or something, because the next thing I knew, I was in a strange bedroom, wearing nothing but my bra.

It was a strange sensation I felt when I awoke. I wasn’t sure where I was or what exactly had happened. I couldn’t have cheated on Jordan. No way, I loved him too much. Besides, I’d remember that, would I? I put on my wrinkled clothes and went over to the mirror across the room. I had a fairly large bruise on my left temple. My entire body ached a little and I could see blood in certain places. This can’t be real, I thought to myself. I hoped I’d imagined everything. I had an odd sense that I was just watching myself from a distance.

I stared at my reflection for quite awhile, until I finally decided to get out of there. I quickly finger-combed my hair and threw on my jacket. Physically it was painful to even move, but emotionally, I felt strangely numb. I hesitated for a moment, and then opened the door. From where I was standing, I could clearly see that I was still at Lauren’s house. I must have been in her sister’s old room or something. I looked around to make sure no one was there and bolted down the stairs and out the door.

I ran the entire way home, never stopping to catch my breath. It was a burst of energy and desperation that I’d never felt before, and would probably never feel again. The sunlight streamed over my skin, and if it were under different circumstances, I may have even enjoyed it. When I arrived at my house I rang the doorbell about five times in a row, hoping to rush my sisters down the stairs. It wasn’t necessary, though, because Madelyn had been waiting for me.

When I first entered the house, Madelyn looked relieved, but when I turned to look at her again, her face was covered in anger. I tried to go up the stairs, but she halted me before I got very far. She was so angry; she didn’t even notice the bruise on my face.

“Sarah Lacey River!” she scolded. I knew it was bad because she used my middle name – which I’ve never been a fan of, by the way – and a tone that said she wasn’t kidding. “Where have you been all night?”

“Um, I, uh,” I stuttered. “I stayed the night at Lauren’s place.” It was true, though not in the way it sounded. I didn’t want to tell anyone what I was sure had happened. I was embarrassed and ashamed, but most of all, I was confused. I couldn’t remember enough to know the details – and I was clinging to the hope that it was nothing.

“You know that you are supposed to clear that with me first. Or at least tell Jackie before you go.” Madelyn had been kind of a stick-in-the-mud ever since our parents passed away. I guess she had to, though; it’s not like anyone else would take over the responsibilities. Thinking of that gave me an idea.

“I told Kelly,” I lied. “Before I went over last night. I told Kelly I was going to stay there.”

Madelyn rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. “You told Kelly,” she repeated stiffly.

“Yep.” I nodded and pushed past her to go upstairs to my room.

It seemed like days went by while I was locked in my purple bedroom, but in reality it was only a few hours. I took out my sketchbook and started to draw. Though I’m not as good at it as Kelly – she’s a professional designer – I still find it can be very therapeutic. My sisters kept knocking on my door to see if I was ever coming out, but I wouldn’t reply. After awhile I heard a smaller knock and the voice of a little boy asking me to come out. It was my nephew, Jamie.

I’ve always had a soft spot for Kelly’s son, so I brushed my hair over the bruise and opened the door. Jamie ran into my room and jumped onto my bed. A big grin crossed his face, inevitably making me smile as well.

“Mommy and I made dinner! You gotta have some,” he said with a bit of a lisp.

“That depends, what did you make?” I asked him, cutely. Sometimes he made ‘food’ with dish soap or mud, so I thought I’d find out if it was safe before I ate anything.

“We made ham and mashed ‘tatoes,” he smiled with pride. I was willing to bet that Kelly had done most of the real cooking, but he was so proud to have helped that I would never say anything. Besides, that meant it was probably edible.

“Mmm, that sounds yummy!” I exclaimed. “Let’s go eat!”

Jamie rushed through the hallway and down the stairs. I followed, but only after making sure the bruise was still covered. My other bruises were concealed by clothing.

“She lives!” Kelly joked as I shuffled into the kitchen. She didn’t notice my forced smile or my cringe of pain as I sat down. Thank goodness. I picked up a newspaper and pretended to read it so no one would bother me. I have no idea what any of it said, but I knew it was safe to assume that something bad had happened – be it a murder, a kidnapping – something.

I sat quietly through supper and picked at my food just enough to please Jamie. Mostly I just pushed it around and took a bite or two. I hadn’t eaten since the previous night, but I still wasn’t hungry. I pretended to listen to my little sister, Kendra’s stories and laugh at all the lame jokes that were told by various members of my family until finally I was able to sneak back up to my room.

Since my parents left us a lot of money when they passed away, we lived in a fairly large house, meaning my room was actually quite spacious. I had a zillion books on my shelf, though I’d only ever read maybe a quarter of them. Across from my huge bed I had a flat screen television and in another corner I had a lap top. I was pretty much set for the night to just stay in there.

I had given up on my drawing of what was supposed to be an orca, so I turned on my television to lose myself in mindless entertainment. It was nearing morning, so my favorite talk show, The Late, Late Show was on. Despite not knowing who most of the guests were, I loved the host, Craig Ferguson, enough to continue watching. I even managed to laugh a few times.

I must’ve fallen asleep at some point, because I opened my eyes to see sunlight gleaming through the window. I squinted and looked at the clock. It was the afternoon already. I was surprised that I’d slept that long, but I still wasn’t ready to get up. I’d left the television on all night and now one of my favorite syndicated shows, The Drew Carey Show was airing. Using the wonderful power of TiVo, I was able to rewind and watch it from the beginning. I loved the theme song, plus, Kate – played by Christa Miller – was one of my all-time favorite characters on television.

I stayed in bed all day until I got hungry. So hungry, in fact, that I stated feeling nauseous from starvation. I stumbled into the kitchen and opened the cupboard. I had a strange desire to eat everything I saw. Mind you, at that point I was ready to eat grass. I grabbed some Teddy Grahams, peanut butter and a bowl of triple chocolate ice cream. Not the healthiest meal one can have, but definitely tasty. To even out the sugary taste, I also took some ketchup chips and cheese. Later I also pigged out on some Twizzlers, but I figured it was okay, since it had been almost two and a half days since I’d last ingested any substantial amount of food.

By the time that Monday came, I was almost back to normal. I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t cry, no matter how hard it would be. I’d always been rather emotional and dependant on others, which was why it was so hard not to tell anyone what I was going through. I couldn’t even allow a single tear to drop, or a rush of them would follow. So instead I walked around almost like a robot, but at least I was moving. I paid for my junk food spree later Saturday night when I spent hours throwing up in the bathroom. I guess my lesson from that was not to eat everything that you can find.

I was very silent for the next few weeks, which was weird since I am one of the world’s biggest talkers. Jordan often asked me if I was alright, but I would always just shrug it off and change the subject. He knew better than to force the issue.

It seemed pretty obvious what had taken place at the party, but I still had so many questions. I didn’t know who had done it, or why they had. Thinking about it, I thought it may have been Josh, but I wasn’t sure about it and I couldn’t press him for information since he had moved out of town.

Eventually I got back into the swing of things, more or less. I felt really sick a lot. I figured that I was nerves because I always feel sick when I’m nervous or upset about something. Everyone was worried, but I was able to pass it off as the flu or food poisoning most of the time.

It took all of my energy to focus on school. Somehow I managed to do it, though. In fact, my marks even went up. That was probably just a result of doing practically nothing but homework. Actually, believe it or not, at one point, I actually thought everything was going to be okay. Evidently, though, I was wrong.

It had been what seemed like ages since Lauren’s party, although the feelings were still fresh in my mind. I was sitting in my math course, trying desperately to figure out how to solve trigonometric equations for the gazillionth time. My teacher liked to call people up to the board to solve problems, and this time it was my turn. Thankfully it was one of the equations I knew how to solve.

It took me a minute to finish, but I did. My teacher told me that I had done a perfect job and could go back to my seat. Unfortunately, I was feeling unusually dizzy and quite hot that day, and couldn’t quite make it back to my seat. I passed out in the middle of the floor.

When I opened my eyes next, I was being taken over to the hospital nearest to our school. I must’ve been out longer than I had thought for them to take me there. I allowed myself to fall asleep and I later awoke in a hospital room, Kendra was sitting across from me. She looked up from her magazine and smiled.

“You got me out of history,” she said.

“Kendra, what are you doing here?” I moaned

“I was told that you were here and my teacher was like ‘go on and be with your sister,’ so I did.”

“Go back to school. I’m fine. You need to go to history or geometry or whatever class it is you’re supposed to be in now. You aren’t doing very well in school as it is.”

“It’s so boring, though! I hate all my classes. The only one that’s even remotely entertaining is art,” Kendra whined.

“I will not be your excuse for missing class. Go back. Now, Kendra,” I scolded. I have a tendency to boss around my little sister, but then again, don’t most people?

I discovered that Jordan was in the waiting room shortly after Kendra left. He didn’t come in until after the doctor had been through, though. I was asked a bunch of strange and personal questions from the doctor I’d never met before. He was the first person I told about that night – it’s still pretty hard to talk about. He took some blood and urine samples, and then left to get them tested. In the mean time, I just chilled out with my boyfriend.

We talked about nothing in particular. He tried to crack a few jokes, but the mood just wasn’t there. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone after I’d been forced to describe that terrible party. Our uncomfortable exchange of words was thankfully cut short when the doctor re-entered and Jordan left.

“Well Sarah, it appears that you are in near perfect health. You’ve been feeling this way because you are pregnant.” He said it so matter-of-factly that it almost didn’t register. Pregnant? As in with a kid? There was no way! No way.

Jordan and I had decided to wait for our first time until we were married or at least mature enough to handle the responsibilities and emotions that would come with sex. Well, okay, I decided and he just sort of had to go along with it to make me happy. We wanted it to be special. The party had ruined that chance. Now I would actually have to tell people what I had planned to keep a secret for my entire life. Everyone would know. They’d think I was some kind of slut or something. I was sure of it.

I looked up at the doctor, waiting for him to say that he was kidding or something. He didn’t. It was real. I was going to have a baby. I hadn’t been sick from nerves. It was morning sickness – which, by the way, is very incorrectly named, seeing as it lasts all day. I wasn’t dizzy from dehydration, it was hormones. It explained so much, and yet, it killed the slight hope I had that I was wrong about what happened. I had that detached feeling again. The feeling that it wasn’t real or I’d wake up at any moment. I had become a robot again.

I was given an ultrasound and checked out by a doctor. As I had already figured, I was about three and a half months along. I knew that soon they’d even be able to tell me the gender of the baby. It was amazing to see my kid up on the screen and to hear its heartbeat. Part of me hated it because I was too young and it wasn’t even Jordan’s baby, but a bigger part of me felt strangely giddy – almost excited. I couldn’t explain it.

Then the doctor gave me more devastating news. Apparently my body had suffered major damage – though I wasn’t sure how, since I’d been unconscious. The chances that I would ever get pregnant again or even carry this child to term were very low. I’d always wanted children and though I knew I could adopt, I had always wondered what it’d be like to be pregnant; to see your my for the first time. I wanted to see the child with my big eyes and dark hair, with my nose and my smile, yet a completely different person from myself. Fear grew deep inside me. How could my life be changed so drastically from just one event?

Since I wasn’t terminally ill or anything, I was released from the hospital shortly after school would have let out. Jordan stayed around and drove me home. I was still in shock and my mouth hung slightly open. I kept opening it further to tell him, but then shutting it for fear of saying the wrong thing. I had to tell him soon or I’d never do it.

When we arrived at my house, everything came spilling out. Jordan listened as I spoke, but did not reply. It was all kind of a blur. We sat in silence for a few minutes, but I really had to pee, so I got out of the car. I paused for a moment, trying to think of something to say, but I drew a blank, so I shut the door and went inside.

I went quietly inside and went to the bathroom, but when I got out, all of my sisters and Aunt Jackie were waiting expectantly outside. Kelly took my hand and led me into the den. She wanted to know why I hadn’t called anyone and why they had to find out from Kendra. I told her that everything was okay and I hadn’t wanted to worry them. They kept asking more questions, though. I knew it was time to tell them. It was just so hard!

When I said that I was pregnant, Kendra’s head snapped up from the spot she’d been staring at on the floor. Kelly stood up and hugged me, and then offered to kill Josh – whom I was almost positive was the one who had raped me – for me. Aunt Jackie looked as though she was about to cry, and Madelyn just looked blank. She mechanically took the phone book out of the cupboard and grabbed the phone.

“When do you want to have it?” she asked me with a solemn expression.

“What?” I asked, confused.

“The abortion.”

“Um...” To tell the truth, I really hadn’t thought about not keeping the baby. I just kind of assumed that I would. Maybe Madelyn was right, though. Perhaps I should consider my other options. “Anytime,” I answered before running up to the sweet solace of my bedroom.

Since there was only a short window of time left until my baby got too big to abort, I was booked in for the following Monday after school. I went by myself because I just didn’t want to face anyone. It felt like everyone was staring at me in the waiting room, but I’m sure that was probably just my imagination.

I couldn’t pay attention to the article that I was reading, and despite my inner protests, I reflected on my thoughts and feelings, weighing all of my options. I realized I didn’t want the abortion. I didn’t like the way that my pregnancy had occurred, but I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I actually wanted my child. No matter how strange that may sound.

I’m not against abortion entirely, but to me it depends on the person. For me, it just didn’t feel right, even in that circumstance. It was a choice that I didn’t want to make because it was the one that impacted my life the most. The baby was the only even remotely good thing to have come out of my situation. Most people would not understand my reasoning, but it didn’t matter. It was my life – not theirs.

Once I realized this, I hopped to my feet and walked straight out of there. I was more nervous than I’d ever dreamed I could be, but the butterflies in my stomach seemed so insignificant compared to the child that was in there with them. I couldn’t believe that I actually had a living creature growing inside of me. It was the most awesome and scary feeling that I’d ever had. There was a baby in there that would someday grow up and have its own life – its own dreams and hopes and feelings. There are simply no words to describe it.

As scared as I was to do so, I knew I had to tell my sisters and my aunt that I’d decided to keep my baby. I mean, it’s not like they just wouldn’t notice my enormous belly. I decided not to speak to them as a group, though. The divide and conquer method seemed much more appropriate. I didn’t want them to gang up on me. So, I started with Kelly.

She came into my room late that night, after I’d already gotten myself ready to go to sleep. It was dark, so I could barely make out her face, but she turned on a lamp light so we could see each other.

“How are you doing, Sarah,” she asked.

“Um, okay, I guess,” I replied.

“Are you sure? It must’ve been hard for you, you know, doing that. If you need to talk or something, I’m here.”

“Oh, uh, yeah, about that,” I stuttered. “I didn’t exactly – I couldn’t, really – go through with it.”

“What? Seriously?” Kelly paused. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

“Yeah, pretty sure.”

Kelly smiled, to my relief. “I’m going to be an aunty!” she exclaimed.

“Yeah,” I smiled back. “The best aunty ever.” I was so happy that she supported me.

The following morning I came clean with Kendra. I knew Kelly couldn’t hold in a secret of this magnitude for much longer, and I was really only afraid of Madelyn’s reaction. Kendra took the news about the same way as Kelly. She was very supportive. Family can really surprise you sometimes when it comes right down to it.

I decided then to tell Aunt Jackie. I wasn’t sure what to expect from her. Her reactions were always somewhat of a crapshoot.

At first she was angry, but once I explained everything she seemed relatively supportive of my decision – even though it was clear she didn’t agree with it. Things were going better than I’d thought. I guess I’d assumed I’d be disowned or something.

Unfortunately, this meant it had come time to inform my oldest sister that I had gone against her wishes. I couldn’t face her in person, so I called her at her office.

“Hello?” Maddie answered, distractedly.

“Hi,” I squeaked.

“Oh, hi, what’s up?” she asked, not looking up from her work.

“Um, it’s about the baby,” I whispered.

“What?” she said, having failed to hear me.

“I didn’t have the abortion,” I said, louder than I had intended.

For a moment, Maddie was completely silent – I could almost hear the tension. Then, she relaxed and said matter-of-factly, “If that’s what you want.”

So, I didn’t get the lecture I’d been expecting. The “your-not-ready-for-that-kind-of-responsibility-when-you-can’t-even-take-care-of-yourself” lecture that I’d prepared myself for. No yelling, no pleading with her to understand, nothing. Like I said, sometimes, family can surprise you.

They can also bug the hell out of you. Aunt Jackie told me that if I was going to do this, I was going to do it right. She put me on a strict diet – thankfully I had Kelly to sneak me good food – and was forced to read every baby book ever published. At least I managed to convince my aunt that Shopaholic and Baby was really a parenting book and not a chick-lit novel. Hey, it had some pregnancy facts in it. Whatever, I needed something fun to read!

Although my family was fairly supportive of me, school was a completely different story. I was shunned from the group of people that I had once called my friends. Very few people would even talk to me and the only ones willing to be seen with me were Jordan and Lily. I guess found out who my real friends were – which was somewhat strange since I barely even knew Lily. All I knew about her was that she had been dating Jordan’s younger brother, Jesse. Still, it was nice to have her around.

When I walked through the halls, I could feel the judging eyes. Some thought I was a slut, some felt sorry for me, and others just wanted someone to gossip about – our school was pretty boring. I feared that the rest of my life would be like filled with looks like that. I usually didn’t mind being the center of attention, but when it was like that, it was horrible.

Things got worse later, because when I realized how much responsibility having a child would be, I knew I had to cut some things out of my life. Unfortunately, I knew that included my boyfriend. At the time, I figured that there was very little chance that I would be able to carry on a relationship while looking after an infant and trying to finish high school. Jordan wasn’t the father, and it just wasn’t fair for him to have to pretend to be.

It was at school that I told him. I saw him in the hallway one morning and waited until he was alone. I didn’t want to be around any of his friends. He was pulling out his chemistry textbook from his locker and whistling a tune that I somewhat recognized. I cleared my throat so he would know that I was there.

“Hey, honey,” he said. He touched my stomach and asked how the baby was doing. He was such a sweetie, which made it even harder for me to break up with him.

I pulled away from him and looked at the floor. “Jordan, I think, um, we have to break up,” I whispered.

“What? I don’t think I heard you right,” he said with kind of a half smile.

“I can’t do this. It’s not fair to either of us to go on pretending that we’re okay. Jordan, we’re not. I know you love me – and I love you – but I can see that this has changed us. You’re really great about everything, but I can’t be a girlfriend and a mother and a student and everything else. And I know that no matter how much you love me, you can’t love my baby the way it needs. It’s just better for both of us if we just let it go now.” I knew that I was rambling. That’s what I do when I’m upset or when I don’t know what to say. I hardly made sense to myself, but I had gotten the point across. I turned and ran off before I started to cry.

A girl! I was having a girl! When they told me, I was so happy. I would have loved a boy just as much, but it was a girl and that was what mattered. I loved her already! I was excited, too, because now I could start buying things for her, setting up her room and preparing myself for having a daughter.

Kendra and Kelly were both very artistic people, so they helped me to design the nursery. It didn’t take us too long to finish, although I continued purchasing little things to put around the room for quite awhile. We painted it light pink and it had white wooden trim. We managed to make all of the furniture match. We had a white crib, changing table, dresser, rocking chair and more. It was beautiful an so perfect.

Jordan continued to be my friend, much to my relief. We were nowhere near as close as we used to be, but that was understandable. He gave me a huge teddy bear for my daughter that was wearing a t-shirt that said “Mommy’s little angel.” It was so adorable! He also brought over a blanket that his mother had knit for him when he was born. At first I didn’t want to take it, but he insisted. He told me that he wanted his child to have it, and even though this wasn’t his daughter by blood, he would always be there for her. I must admit, it made me cry a little – though most things made me cry at that point.

I’d come to the conclusion that being pregnant was one of the weirdest feelings ever. I almost always felt sick or hot. I gained a bunch of weight and had porn-sized breasts, too. The feeling of the baby kicking was awkward and cool at the same time – except when she kicked my bladder; that was just uncomfortable. Perhaps the oddest feeling was when she would turn around inside of me. It felt like my stomach was doing flip flops or a snake was wriggling around. Strange.

I was almost seven months along when something went terribly wrong. I was in my English class. My teacher was talking about a poem we’d been reading – which was actually fairly good – when a sudden rush of pain hit me. It was a kind of pulling around my hips. It was unlike anything I’d felt before, and more painful too. I raised my shaky hand to ask if I could leave, but my teacher did not notice. Thankfully, from across the room, Jordan could see me. He raised his hand and the teacher called on him.

“I think something’s wrong with Sarah,” he said. The entire class chuckled. He rolled his eyes. “Not like that. I think she’s in pain. Can I take her down to the nurse’s office?” I was so grateful that I had him. The teacher looked at me and saw the tears which had formed in my eyes and agreed to allow us to go down to see the nurse.

The major pain came and went, but I still leaned on Jordan for most of the walk down there. It was a good thing he was so strong because I had gotten pretty heavy. The nurse told us that I probably needed to go to a hospital because I was showing signs of being in labor. I knew that wasn’t good because I wasn’t far enough along. If I gave birth at that stage, there was a very good chance that my daughter would not survive.

Jordan drove me to the hospital as fast as he could without getting a ticket. I was glad that he had his older brother’s old car because it was fairly spacious and I was able to lie down on the back seat. We were there after only a few minutes, though it seemed like hours.

We sat for awhile in the waiting room and Jordan called my sisters. I was strangely glad that Aunt Jackie, Madelyn and Kendra had their cell phones off and only Kelly was coming. I had always been able to talk to her easier than anyone else, despite our age gap. Plus, I figured she would know better than anyone what I was going through since she’d already had a baby. She was also able to create a scene anywhere and anytime, so she got me in to see the doctor much faster. I don’t know how she does it.

It was just what the nurse had said; I was in the early stages of labor. Thankfully, my water hadn’t broken yet, so they gave me some drugs to try to stop the contractions. Luckily, after awhile they worked. Unfortunately, I was put on bed rest for the duration of my pregnancy. I would have to sit around for two whole months and do nothing. I know that doesn’t sound so bad, but believe me, it was.

My room was already fully equipped with all the necessary means of entertainment. I had my television, my computer; I even had a karaoke machine. It actually wasn’t so bad for the first little while. Kelly snuck in a bunch of junk food that I hid under my bed, so I’d nibble on Twizzlers whenever Aunt Jackie wasn’t around. I had comfortable pajamas and a whole bunch of syndicated shows and soap operas to watch during the day. Jordan would bring by my homework and all of his notes – we were in all of the same classes, except for one, but that was just an option that I took because I needed another class – every day after school. I found almost all of it easy, and he would explain everything to me if necessary. It wasn’t really half bad.

It got really boring really quickly. Soaps seemed to repeat themselves and I’d seen almost every episode of Friends and Frasier that had ever aired. I ran out of things to do on the internet and I’d gone through any book on my shelf that sounded interesting – and even some that didn’t. I felt trapped and bored. It never seemed to end. The minutes just dripped slowly past. Plus, I felt so fat. It was disgusting. I was only allowed to do minimal walking, usually just long enough to shower. At least I was clean while I was lazy.

I came to the point where I was actually fairly positive that I would rather be ridiculed by my classmates than stay in that room another second. It was much more stressful for me to not be able to go anywhere outside of my house. I just wanted to do something. Anything that was even remotely fun. Even just going to see a bad movie would do. It sucked.

Almost a month had gone by and I had turned into a robot. I was knitting another blanket – I hadn’t known how to knit before that month – and watching Days of Our Lives. Sami was wallowing in self-pity again as she was carrying E.J. Wells’ baby after he had forced her to have sex with him in order to save Lucas’ life. Actually, we weren’t sure it was E.J.’s kid because Nick had forged the DNA results. In a way I felt I could really relate to Sami. That was a first.

Suddenly a familiar pain shot through my body again. It was the beginning of labor again. Not good. So not good. No one was home to help me! I was terrified, and I knew I had to call someone. Aunt Jackie, Kelly and Madelyn were all at work and weren’t picking up their phones. Kendra was in one of her classes and had turned her phone off for the first time in ages. The only person that was available was Jordan. Thankfully he had study hall at that time and was easily able to sneak out. He drove over as quickly as he could. I left messages for everyone else that I was at the hospital.

We were once again forced to wait for ages, and my sisters had all arrived long before I got to go in. Kelly threw another one of her hissy fits and I was grudgingly brought in to see one of the doctors. As I’d already determined, I was in labor again. Again! This time, however, the drugs they gave me did not do any good. My water broke and the baby was coming.

All of the sudden, all of my fears hit me again with a fresh hand. I was scared out of my mind. I wasn’t ready! She wasn’t ready! It was too early for my daughter to be born. What if she didn’t make it? What would I do then? New tears were stinging my eyes and I suddenly couldn’t stop them from falling.

For hours I bawled my eyes out, unable to stop. My sisters, Aunt Jackie, Jordan and Jamie all came in and tried to cheer me, but nothing worked. I was sure that I was going to lose my baby, and that’s the worst feeling a mother could have. It wasn’t fair.

Finally I managed to contain my tears. I was too tired to cry any longer. I was tired of being the person that people always felt compelled to take care of. I didn’t want to be that girl any longer. I couldn’t be that girl any longer. I had to get over my fears and be strong for my baby. She was going to need all the help she could get.

She was tiny. Quite possibly the most fragile-looking thing that I’d ever seen. She was so precious and even though she was bald and wrinkly, I still thought she was the most beautiful child I’d ever seen. I couldn’t believe she was mine. It hadn’t really kicked in, I guess. The good news was that she was alive; the bad news was that she was not in a very stable condition. The doctor told me what was wrong but I guess I was so out of it that I didn’t really listen. It was hard to register everything that had taken place over the last few months. So much had changed.

Madelyn, Kelly and Kendra were anxious for me to name her, but I wasn’t sure. I thought if I named her I’d get too attached, and I wouldn’t be able to handle it if she didn’t make it. Finally, Jordan convinced me. Honestly, I was already too attached. I had to give her a name – but what? None of the names I’d thought of before seemed to fit. She didn’t look like an Isabella, Jessica or Melinda. This was going to be harder than I’d thought.

Then I thought of the perfect name. It actually came from my sister. Elisabeth had told me once that if she ever had a daughter, she would name her Lily Katherine. Since she could never have that daughter, I would give my daughter that name, in memory of my older sister.

I decorated Lily’s incubator with little pink ribbons and stuck a tiny teddy bear in with her to keep her company when I wasn’t there. I’d heard that it made babies feel better to be near someone else. It could even help them to become healthier. Okay, so I got that from Grey’s Anatomy, but hey, it might work. I had to at least give it a shot.

I spent pretty much all of my time with her until she got better. When the doctor told me I could take her home, my heart jumped a million miles and I was so overjoyed. That is, until I got her home. Then I realized that I barely know anything about caring for a child. All of those books I’d read were about pregnancy – not motherhood – and I didn’t have a clue what to do with a baby.

Aunt Jackie and my sisters helped me out, though, which was really lucky. I honestly have no idea what I would have done without them. Kelly was a big help, since she already had a child, although sometimes her advice got on my nerves.

I was actually able to graduate on time, too. I had spent a lot of my time in the hospital studying, and somehow managed to ace my finals. I didn’t go to the grad ceremony, but I received my diploma in the mail, which was exciting.

Jordan came over to visit Lily and me a lot. I felt bad, because I didn’t think it was his responsibility to take care of us, though he begged to differ. I have to be honest, I was actually kind of annoyed that he was over so much, because I was exhausted and really needed to sleep, while instead I was forced to entertain him. Well, that is, until one night.

It was the middle of October and over a year had passed since I’d been drugged and raped at Lauren’s party. I was still having a hard time dealing with that, but I was pretty distracted looking after Lily. It was late at night and I’d finally gotten my four month old daughter to sleep when I heard a loud knock on the door downstairs. I ran down to answer it, and discovered Jordan was the one banging on the other side.

“Jordan? What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I need to talk to you,” he replied. There was something different about his face, but I couldn’t tell what.

“Shh,” I whispered. “You’ll wake Lily!”

“Can we go somewhere more private?” he asked, when Aunt Jackie came down the stairs.

“Sure.”

I led him up to my room and closed the door behind us. I sat on the bed, but he was pacing back and forth. I know whatever was up, it must have been important.

“Don’t hate me,” he started.

“Why would I ever hate you?” I chuckled.

“I know you think it was Josh,” he started. I knew exactly what he was talking about. “But it wasn’t.”

“What?”

“It was me,” he said. “This whole thing has been eating away at me for a year. I didn’t mean for you to get hurt – I just thought, you know, we could have some fun.”

“What?” I asked again, unsure that I understood him correctly.

“I got Josh to slip you something, but he wasn’t the one who took advantage of your state. It was me. I’m Lily’s father.”

For a moment I was in shock. I had no idea what to think or what to say. How could he have been the one to do this to me? I thought he’d loved me.

“Get out,” I said quietly.

“Sarah, please,” Jordan started.

“Get out!” I yelled. “Get out! Get out! Get out!”

Lily started to cry, but I didn’t go to comfort her right away. I saw Jordan turn to go to her bedroom and I screamed, “If you go anywhere near my daughter, you will not live to see the sun rise. Leave! Now!”

I could see that he felt guilty, but it served him right after what he’d done. Through the window I watched his car pull out of the driveway and fade into the night. Tears of anger had long since formed in my eyes. I felt so betrayed. I turned away from the window and went to quiet down my daughter.