Chapter Thirty-Two – Devastation

He was awake before Matthias was, but he didn’t bother moving. Watching the teen sleep, he was again struck by the same image of vulnerability. No matter how many times he saw Matthias asleep, he’d probably be amazed by it every time. It was surprisingly easy to get use to his hard glares and closed off conversations, and it was startling when they weren’t present. The cat was curled up between Matthias and the wall the bed was against.

Erik lay back and studied the ceiling, glasses on. He’d ended up giving his mom a call a few days back on Seth’s advice. He told her he’d be coming home for Christmas and that he wouldn’t be coming alone. Today was supposed to be that day and it had come about a lot faster than he’d expected. But then, wasn’t that the way with everything?

Mostly, he was afraid to ask Matthias only to end up with an uncomfortable teen trapped in the same kitchen as his fussing mother. And, considering yesterday’s events with Sari, he was beginning to think this was a very bad idea. It might not be so bad to have his mother force several helpings of food on Matthias’ plate though. While better than he was a month ago, he was still underweight. Unhappiness was linked to appetite.

It didn’t take long for Mathias to wake up. He twitched and brushed the mess of black strands out of his face, eyes still closed.

Erik smiled, “Morning.”

He’d been wrong- Matthias had still been half asleep. At the intrusive voice, his eyes snapped opened and he jerked awake. He favoured Erik with an irritated look before rubbing a hand across his eyes. Then, instead of making a move to get out of bed, he just rolled over and dragged the blanket with him.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sleep in.”

“That’s because I don’t.” He muttered, voice muffled by the pillow.

Well, it was now or never. “Any chance you’d like to come a sort of get together today?” Erik was already thinking of how he could tell his mother he wasn’t going to make it after all. He didn’t want to hear her disappointed. “It won’t be a huge event- just my close family, really.”

Back towards Erik, he glanced over his bony shoulder, “For what?”

“Oh,” Erik paused, “Well, I mean that’s fine. I didn’t confirm that I was going to be there for sure-“

“No, you idiot, I meant what is this family get together for?” He relented and rolled back towards him. Curiosity had trumped his want to sleep. He ran his fingers along the neck and back of the still curled up cat.

“Er…are you being serious?” Erik blinked. Was this some game he wasn’t getting?

“Considering I’m not part of your family and thus don’t have a family calendar of events typed into my consciousness, I’d have to say yes.”

“It’s Christmas.”

Amusing wasn’t quite a strong enough word to describe the surprised expression on Matthias’ face. His brows furrowed, the calculations he was making nearly visible. “So it is.”

Erik snickered, “Snuck up on you, did it?”

“Yeah,” He looked a bit far off, “I guess it did. I lose track of time in this place.”

He didn’t say anything more so Erik prodded, “So… did you want to go?”

Matthias rolled his gaze towards Erik and he had something that was very close to a smile around his features, “If you can convince Anne to let me go, yeah.”

“How are you feeling today?” He asked, hesitant. He didn’t want to bring the obviously scarring events of yesterday up again, but he needed to know.

Matthias shrugged. Then he paused, looking thoughtful, “Nostalgic, actually.”

“I think this time of year does that to everyone. What are you thinking about?” He didn’t know if it was better to get him talking or to let him have his mental private time, so he’d let Matthias chose and not push the matter.

He shifted and adjusted until he was more comfortable. “Family, I guess. Or lack there of might be a better term.” When Erik didn’t interrupt, he took it as a cue to keep going. He did so with an air of reluctance. “It’s always just been her and I. My dad was gone early on as he couldn’t deal with how caring for and the resulting loss of her parents had left my mother. Whatever level of moral that is, you’d think he’d at least would have checked in to see if we were still alive. It doesn’t much matter, though- I wouldn’t know him if I saw him on the street. My mom has no siblings and my dad’s family has nothing to do with us either. So, like I said, it’s just us and it always has been.”

Erik nodded, silent. That shed light on a lot of topics- mainly why Matthias was so set on getting back home and looking after her. He’d once read a psychiatric article that stated there is no such thing as mental illness; only stress, genetics, and the need for people to label things they don’t understand. Right now, it made a lot of sense. There was nothing mentally wrong with Matthias Lauhlin.

He glanced sidelong at Erik, “I know both you and Burgess think she’s unfit to be a mom,” He cut Erik off when he started to protest, “but neither of you know her like I do. This last year, she’s been under a lot of stress that is directly linked to me. I regret that I only see that now. My issues are my own and are not to be blamed on her.” Teddy woke up and stretched, yawning and mewling a complaint about their loudness.

“It isn’t your job to be the adult.” Erik said, as gently as he could.

“If your mom was hurt you’d do the same.”

“That’s different- I’m an adult with a fairly stable life.”

Matthias huffed, “I’m an adult in a week, Erik. Are you telling me my life isn’t stable?”

“Yes, in a way, I am. You’re adjusting to society and just starting out. How can you-“ He regrouped his ideas, “You have to have a steady life to be able to put it on hold to care for someone else. But whatever you think, I can’t and wouldn’t want to change it. I just feel you need to care for yourself first.”

Matthias shrugged again. “It’s not like its been dysfunction since day one. I didn’t have an abused childhood or anything. Sometimes money was tight and my mom had to divide her time fairly between work and me, but she never neglected me.”

“I believe you. But you have to agree that things aren’t how they’re supposed to be right now.” He kept his voice neutral.

The pager on his desk buzzed with a message, causing Teddy’s ears to flick towards it. It wasn’t that unusual; after all, he was supposed to be working today. It was probably Anne wondering where he was. He felt immediately guilty at that thought. Erik got up to check it and the cat jumped off the bed to hide underneath it. Erik was just happy he’d found a suitable pan filled with sand from the children’s ward sandbox upstairs that served as a litter box.

“Yes, and I’m trying to tell you I have the right to look after my mom without your imposed restrictions.” Came the monotone protest from behind him.

He was looking at the little screen that read,

‘I need to see you in my office right now. Bring Mr. Lauhlin.’

It was from Anne. Erik swallowed hard as he could think of only one reason.

“Who is that from?” He realized Matthias had been talking and he hadn’t been listening. He could tell by the irritated tone that meant he’d had to repeat what he’d been asking.

“Anne.” Erik muttered. “Come on, she wants to see us upstairs.” He tried to think of an excuse as to why Matthias was downstairs without permission. In Erik’s room. Again. He began to think of what other careers he might be suited to when his reputation went up in flames.

“Why? Because I’m not upstairs again?” He didn’t bother to move from the bed.

“I don’t know.” Erik said faintly, feeling light headed, “Get up, let’s go.” Hadn’t she warned them that if he was missing again, he’d be transferred? She told them in the elevator- covered up for them. And now he’d slipped again and Matthias was as good as gone.

“Are you alright? You look pale.” Matthias’ tone lost much of its hostility. He threw the blankets off and slipped out of the bed. “Sit down before you pass out and I’m blamed for it.”

Erik let himself be ushered to sit on the bed. He didn’t notice Matthias had stolen the pager from him until he asked about it. “You think it’s about me not being upstairs again?”

“What else can it be?” He asked bleakly.

Matthias frowned at him, “So? You know Burgess. She’ll yell at us, call us both stupid, and fix it. Like always.”

“You know what she said last time. If you had any more slip ups, you’d be out of here and it was nothing to do with her judgement on the matter. She can’t control everything, Matthias.” He got back to his feet, “Let’s go.”

“Fine. You worry far too much. It’ll turn out to be nothing.”

“Nothing except my entire reputation and the next six months of your life.” He said a bit too harshly, running a hand through his hair and hoping it was decent. He slept in clothes instead of pyjamas for the sole reason of not wanting to change with Matthias in the room.

He opened the door to his room and Matthias followed him out. Neither of them said anything on the way up; Erik was nervously going over excuses and Matthias was sulky over being snubbed.

The nerves only got worse for Erik the closer they got to the office on the second floor. He noticed Amber standing at the desk and her closed off expression when they passed but it quailed in comparison to what he was preoccupied with worrying about. Matthias smiled at her with all the charm of a panther and she flipped him off. So much for a professional attitude towards patients.

Inevitably, they reached the door to Anne’s office and Erik knocked lightly on it. He half hoped she wouldn’t hear and they could just leave. But there was the distinct call to come in from behind the door.

He hadn’t even made it through the doorway, Matthias at his heels, when Anne spoke up. “Just you first, please, Mr. Shafer.”

“Er, okay.” He had paused in the wooden frame and glanced over his shoulder at Matthias.

The teen wore a dark expression, “I’ll just wait outside like a dog then, shall I?”

Erik gave him a pleading look, begging for cooperation, and he stayed without a word. Erik prayed Amber would stay away and that Matthias would stay put. He closed the door gently behind him and took his usual seat across from Anne.

There was no secret smile of affection in her features this time. She looked older than she ever had; her grey eyes were hard like old metal and the sneaking wrinkles seemed more pronounced than ever. She looked pinched and tense. “Erik, thank you getting here so quickly.”

He swallowed, “It sounded serious.”

“It is.” Was all she said and she broke eye contact to pick a pen out of the cup on her desk. She tapped the end of the pen against the desk, stalling. She seemed too frustrated to continue.

Erik was afraid to say anything at all. His heart burned hard in his chest and his throat felt too tight. He was so afraid to hear the words he was sure were coming.

“There’s been bad news, Erik.” She looked up and her eyes were sorry. “I didn’t want Mattie in here until you knew.” She grimaced and abandoned the pen to look him in the eye, “I know he should be the first one to hear this, but I can’t break it to him without saying it to you first.”

The creeping realization that something else was wrong began to flood his sensory. He tried to relax the grip he had on the armrests on the chair but found his hands just tensed up again on their own.

She tried to speak and paused, pursing her lips.

“What happened?” He was surprised how solid his voice came out. He became distinctly aware that Matthias was right outside the door- what if he could hear?

“Sari Lauhlin is dead.” Her grey eyes were hard as she continued, “They found her this morning in the garage. She’d hung herself.”

“No.” He breathed. Not because he had any attachment or sympathy towards Mrs. Lauhlin, but because her son was the one who was going to be destroyed by her death. It was the end of everything they’d worked for- he’d come so far only to have this crush everything.

Anne was silent as she looked at him.

“No. God, no.” Erik murmured, feeling numb.

“Because of her behaviour last time she was here, I had her flagged with the right people. They were supposed to check up on her and get her help. Obviously help did not come fast enough.” There was nothing but cold about her. He couldn’t see the caring Dr. Burgess he knew, making the whole situation feel distinctly fake and foreign.

“How- what,” He looked to her, “how do we well him?”

She shook her head slowly, wearily. “I don’t know, Erik. That’s why I asked to see you first.”

“I-I’ll have to tell him.” He was already on his feet, praying Matthias hadn’t heard any of their conversation.

“You don’t have to do that, Erik.” She followed suit, standing behind he desk. “Its not your job.” Wasn’t that what he had told Matthias? ‘Its not your job’?

“Yes. It is.” He turned to leave, fingers falling from the arm of the chair. He didn’t even have a plan. All he had were disjointed thoughts and emotions.

He had been ready to find Matthias outside the door, but not in the state he found him.

Fierce tawny eyes were waiting for him. “Tell me she’s lying.” Matthias sounded calm- he hadn’t raised his voice- but Erik knew better and also picked up on the rage that vibrated almost tangibly off his thin frame.

He had half expected Matthias to listen in but he had hoped he wouldn’t have. It was very clear he had. Erik shook his head, unable to do anything else.

“You’re both lying.” He hissed, “This is another bullshit ploy- another therapist method.” His thin chest rose and fell too quickly and he looked ready to attack. Erik wouldn’t have cared if he did- it would have been better than the situation he was currently in.

“I-“ Erik tried to tell him he wasn’t lying and confirm what had happened but he couldn’t. “I’m sorry.”

Matthias laughed once, a bitter bark of dry humour, “You’re fucking with me and it’s starting to piss me off.”.

The door was still opened behind Erik and Anne pulled it opened further to stand behind him. “Come inside, Matthias.” Both Amber and another nurse were leaning far enough to one side of their desk so they could subtly see what was going on.

“Fuck you- tell me you’re lying.” His voice had risen to as loud as Erik had ever heard it. Erik could see his hands were shaking even as he curled and uncurled them into fists. He hadn’t moved from the spot yet though. In his own way, he was pleading for Erik to tell him it wasn’t true. It was crushing something painfully in Erik’s chest to watch it and he tried to swallow and found he couldn’t

“You listened in, didn’t you?” Anne’s face was a mask again. She moved Erik aside enough, hand on his shoulder, so the doorway was opened, “Come inside, please.”

“No.” His chin was high like a spooked horse- his eyes wide and fierce. He took a step back and then another.

Erik didn’t care that Anne or the two nurses were there; he wanted to grab Matthias and keep him from falling into a thousand pieces. He looked as though his own rage would shatter him.

The impasse broke, a drowning swimmer breaking the surface for air, and Matthias fled.

“Leave him!” Anne called as Amber already held the phone on her desk in her hand, ready to dial security. She looked back to Erik, “Go after him- just you. He can’t get through the ward doors to the elevators anyways. I’ll talk to you in a little while. Try to get him onto the fourth floor.” With that, she returned to her office and shut the door.

Erik didn’t care- he preferred to find Matthias alone. Anyone else after him would only drive the teen to do something irrational. He set out him, following the route he’d taken around the corner. He didn’t bother looking at Amber or the other shocked nurse.

He didn’t run or even hurry. Unless he came back this way, he wouldn’t be able to get down the stairwells either- which weren’t locked on any of the other floors except the fourth. Everywhere else allowed visitors and preferably visitors with swipe access cards obtained at the front desk on the first floor.

He found Matthias where he knew he’d be- against the locked doors. His forehead rested against he glass and his hands were against the push mechanism. He knew he heard him too and didn’t say anything.

“Tell me it’s not true.” He tried again, voice muffled as he still leaned against the glass. His posture, everything about him, screamed that he was running and wouldn’t stop if he didn’t have to.

“I can’t.” Erik croaked. He would have given anything at all to be able to say what Matthias wanted him to say.

He didn’t ask again. He simply slid to the floor and sat there. Eyes lost and empty, he stared at the tiling of the floor. He looked like a lost doll; fragile and forgotten, with his eyes so empty.

“Mattie, get up.” Erik tried. He had to at least get him to the fourth floor where he couldn’t run when it hit again. He didn’t want to move him or shake him from the haze he was in, only to have him snap and hurt himself. It never occurred to Erik that he’d even care if Matthias hurt him.

In the end, the only option was to pick Matthias up. The teen had shut down and refused to acknowledge Erik’s presence or response to anything Erik asked him. Not afraid in the slightest for himself, Erik slipped his arm under Matthias’ knees and behind his back and picked him up. He was leggy at most, awkward to carry when he wasn’t cooperating, but light. Far too light.

He was about to come to the conclusion, Matthias in his arms, that he couldn’t reach his keys to unlock the door in this position when someone bushed past him.

Amber unlocked the door for him, using her set of keys. She held the door opened for him and followed him into the elevator. Matthias twitched sporadically but didn’t stop staring at nothing for the ride up. He was there, but he wasn’t. Erik knew it was a defensive method to withdraw from dealing with his surroundings, but it didn’t help him feel any better. It felt like he needed to shake Matthias out of it. He had done the same thing when they’d gotten back from visiting his mother yesterday, mind blanking out until his system could deal with the emotional blow, but it had been much less extreme. Erik only prayed he’d wouldn’t become trapped in it.

The nurse wordlessly took his keys and unlocked the fourth floor for him too. She made sure they were all the way into the ward and clipped the keys back onto the clip on his belt. Erik nodded his thanks, feeling that, at any other time, it would have been a moment of rebuilding friendship. Amber took her leave and Erik, carrying the unresponsive Matthias Lauhlin, continued on into the fourth floor.

Everything was ruined and the blank ochre coloured eyes seemed to only confirm that thought.

A/N December 27, 2008 -

Aw, man, I really wanted to post this chapter on Christmas day but FictionPress gave me helluva anger when I tried to upload :( Then I got way too busy for Christmas and Boxing day and now here I am.. sadly posting late-ish...

Anyhow, this chapter does take place on Christmas day. Enjoy folks, its a little sad-like :(

Merry Belated Christmas, everyone! Tell me what Santa brought you! I got a Nikon XD I can has taken' pictures now?

Lovn' from

-EA