Chapter 3

Just before Christmas break, my mom asked me what I wanted to get everyone for Christmas. A hat for dad, a spa kit for mom, a book for grandma, a new bathrobe for Aunt Jen. But what do you buy a little boy who already has everything?

Whenever I would ask him what he wanted for Christmas, he would change the topic to what I wanted for Christmas. Of course, being five, I was distracted and had to tell him all about the Scuba Diver Barbie, Betty Spaghetti, and Cabbage Patch Kid that were on my list. I was easily distracte- oh look! Lemon Squares! Just kidding.

Cole was always into science-y things, even then. I decided that for his Christmas present, I would make him some rock candy. I was FIVE, I saw it on TV, and I thought it was science, okay? The slow process is beyond the attention spans of most kindergarteners, and was especially hard for me, considering how distracted I get, but I was determined to do something special for Cole.

My mom found a recipe at the library and explained it to me using small words. All I understood was there was sugar and water and a jar. She had to show me how to do it, tell me how to do it, and guide me through it when I tried. I made him red, green, and black. The black was supposed to be coal (Cole, coal, get it?), but it came out purple, and the red came out more like pink.

After what seemed like years, we had three huge lumps of rock candy. Me and my dad tasted it (if it was gross, we were just going to buy Cole some Power Rangers action figures.) I don’t remember what it tasted like, but I ended up eating half the purple lump, so it couldn’t have been that bad.

On Christmas, my grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousins came over. My cousins wanted me to play Twister with them, but the whole time I was waiting for them to leave so I could go to Cole’s house. The grownups talked about every stupid thing forever! “Oh, yes, a squirrel walked on the fence yesterday! Amazing!” “Did you see the documentary on pickle making last week?” Well, not really, but equally stupid. And my relatives got me such stupid presents. Sweaters, socks, sugar free candy, and stationary. Seriously… who gets a five year old fancy paper? One of my cousins did get me clothes for my Barbie collection, but only because she wanted me to stop leaving them around naked.

After all my relatives left, around 3 in the afternoon, my mom drove me to Cole’s house. You have to talk into this weird speaker thing so they’ll let you in, and it’s always made her a little nervous. A butler opens the door for us, and, WOW, the Christmas decorations were amazing.

There were Christmas lights, Bible scenes, beautifully decorated trees (all real), fake snow, Santa’s, and anything else you could imagine. I think the all holiday spirit damaged my mom’s brain, because she still needed to go home and cook dinner but was staring at the decorations.

Cole ran down the stairs carrying a gift wrapped box and nearly fell on his face. I could hear Robin laughing from the top of the stairs. Cole was wearing a green and red plaid sweater vest over a long-sleeved white shirt and black dress pants. His vest matched my dress, also an ugly plaid thing. What is it with people and dressing their kids horribly?

Carminda had a fir over me and Cole matching and made us pose for about 2 dozen pictures, and then my mom pulls her camera out of nowhere and does the same. Of course, Robin thinks this is hilarious. “Matching dorks, how cuuuuuuteeee! Not!”

Carminda makes my mom eat a bunch of gingerbread men before she leaves, and proceeds to stuff Cole and I with treats, telling us how grateful we should be when we asked to be excused from the table. When we finally got around to present opening, I was nervous. I knew Cole liked rock candy, but why would you give someone that for Christmas? I was thinking we should have just gotten him the Power Rangers.

Cole gives me mine first. He went all overboard, not only getting me a Scuba Diver Barbie, but a whole new wardrobe for her. This was greeted with lots of screaming, ‘thank you’s, and hugs.

“Imadeitallbymyself,exceptmommyhelpedmeandit’sgood.” I’m not sure he understood what I said, but he nodded like he knew exactly what I was talking about. He opens the bag and pulls out the red lump, neatly covered in festive plastic wrap. He peels it off slowly. He was probably the most patient little kid I have ever met.

Robin looked amused and perplexed. “She made you a rock?”

“Noooo, it’s rock candy, you meanie face!” I think I screamed it at him.

"... Did you seriously just call me a meanie face...?"

Cole tasted it. “It’s good! You made it? How do you make rock candy?” I told him there was lots of sugar and water, but my mom had the recipe and I didn’t remember. He said I could teach him later and offered me some before he ate it all, but I told him I had already eaten half of one I made for him; to make sure it was safe, of course.

After Cole had eaten enough rock candy to a feed a small country, we sat down and watched Christmas movies on TV. Carminda brought us eggnog and hot chocolate at regular intervals. Cole and I were disappointed that it didn’t snow like it did in the movies.

I ask Cole to take me to the bathroom, because even though there’s like 5 on the first floor, I can never find one on my own. But I didn’t really want to go to the bathroom. Once we were out of earshot, I asked Cole to show me Robin’s room. He protested but agreed to show me.

I, of course, was thinking it must be his evil lair filled with bats and spider webs. But really, it was a lot like Cole’s room. There was a sofa, a TV, video games, posters, remote control cars, and a bed large enough for a small elephant. “Why isn’t it creepy?” I whispered to Cole.

“Why are we being quiet?” he whispered back.

Basically, I found out that Robin wasn’t a super villain with an evil lair. And that he wears Spiderman underwear.