I know it was my fault. But I couldn’t help it. Could I betray a friend?

No.

So I was left with no choice. I betrayed you instead. Not only did I make myself look like a horrible, uncaring person, but I also hurt you. And I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.

But now it’s me that’s hurting. Not that I haven’t been hurting all along, because I have. It’s just more painful now. We’re starting to talk again. But I still feel like I’m betraying her. She knows nothing. And I can’t inform her because, well, you know why.

Once again, I’m left with no choice. I have to watch. I have to watch you two, and I’m not allowed to say anything. Oh, I know I have no right to say anything. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to say something. I want to open my mouth and let all of the words flow, but I can’t. I’m not allowed. I have forced myself to be an observer and an observer only.

But it’s hard. It’s really hard. I don’t know where anyone stands anymore. I’m some part of this triangle that I’m not even supposed to be a part of. I’m the invisible side. I’m the pink elephant in the room. I was never even supposed to know you! You were her boyfriend. And you’re not allowed to do that. It’s girl-code number one. Of course, you don’t think that way. And I didn’t, and don’t, expect you think like we do. But I’m getting off track.

You. And her. I don’t understand. I mean, I did at first, but now I don’t. You hated her for months. Hated her. I know because we talked about it. I remember. I can’t figure you out. Do you actually like her? You told her you didn’t. But she told me that you said maybe later on. What the heck does that mean? If you’re trying to make me jealous, it’s working. But I don’t like that theory. It makes me sound so conceited. Besides, you told her you didn’t like anyone.

Do you see how I’m trapped between you two? You used to talk to me, really talk to me, and she tells me everything, too. I heard your old story. And I’m hearing hers and yours from her. She confides in me. But I’m stuck between you two without a voice. I can say meaningless phrases, but I’m never able to say how I really feel. The words that I don’t say bounce around in my head over and over again at night.

Did I do the right thing? I was more certain before than I am now. I’ll never know, I suppose. All I really care to know is if you still care for me at all. Today, I turned your ring. And when you turned mine in return, your hand was shaking. Why? Please tell me. I need to know.

I can’t take it anymore. I need to know. Please, just tell me. Don’t leave me inside my head. I think too much. It’s because I don’t want to feel. I don’t know what to do with my feelings.

I’m crying now. I don’t know why. I’m not even going to give this to you. So I don’t know why I’m crying. Maybe it’s because you’ll probably never know the truth.

The truth? I don’t want to see you and her together. And I’m afraid I’m going to be forced to accept it. I’m her best friend. I’ll be forced to slap a smile on my face. No one will ever know how I really feel. Well, one person does. But she isn’t here.

So I’m left alone. In my head. I walk through the memories and yell at myself for missing my chance. But then I’ve come full circle:

How was I supposed to choose between you and my best friend?