I Will Not…

Five Rules and Regulations for a More Productive Forum Session

A Semi-Satiric Essay by Jordan A. Masters

In the course of my writing for NaNoWriMo, I was taken with posting on various message boards – including those on both the NaNoWriMo site and another site that shall remain nameless, so that it may be spared the horror of what I am about to say. I have discovered things about both of these message board-style forums, and have finally discovered things about myself. And in doing so, I have come up with five easy rules that I will now attempt to live by when I go onto the message boards.

Rule Number One: I will not enter boards that I know are stupid the moment I read the topic sentence. On the other site, on the so-called “Writer’s” board, there is nothing but spam. Examples of this include board topics such as “I'm horrible to him bc he tried to respond to me with strength” and “I don't think I'll ever have friends in this school after THAT conversation.” On the NaNoWriMo site, I have found very few examples of this, if I’ve ever found one. So, roll up the newspaper and smack me in the head with it if I enter the board bearing a stupid title from now on.

Rule Number Two: I will not debase myself so far as to argue with the stupid people who create stupid boards. On this other site, I have found (on occasion) a writing board that is completely stupid – it bashes writing, or bashes a certain aspect of writing, and when I give a thorough explanation, well-thought-out and planned down to the last detail, I am ignored. Or, worse yet, I am then made the object of ridicule because I, unlike the twelve-year-old that created the board, am pursuing a degree in the English language and can therefore use it instead of using “chat speak” every other word. When I start to defend myself, or try to tell them off, it only gets worse – not that I get offended (I don’t let a mere child who cannot spell “you” offend me), I simply get pissed and close the board, and they arrogantly assume (as I do go back and lurk, just to see) that they have won the “fight.” So no more arguing with stupid people. When I found the NaNoWriMo site and found that it was full of semi-intelligent people who actually enjoyed writing and talking about writing, I was thrilled. I love reading the threads there now – not that I add much, as there’s not much for me to add. I don’t feel like the lone voice of sanity in the nut house anymore.

Rule Number Three: I will not offer help to those people who will just ignore it ten seconds later by telling me “but it’s important.” This is the most annoying thing I’ve ever seen/heard in my damn life. They come on that site so often with board topics like “OMGHELP plz read poem” and post their poem and ask for reviews and critiques. Yet, when someone – not necessarily just me – gives a well-thought-out critique, they brush it off with “yeah, well, that part’s important.” Well, that’s all well and good for one line, but when they do this consistently to every reviewer, you have a problem. If you only posted it to show off and you don’t want criticism, say that! Don’t ask for something you don’t want. I was actually told by one individual who asked for help on grammar (my advice to their horrific spelling and grammar was “buy a book” because it was about the only thing that would help) to “shove off.” Now, that offended me. Needless to say, I got a little pissed, and although I carefully censored myself, I’m still surprised the site didn’t decide to suspend or outright freeze my account. So far, I haven’t run into a critiquing board on NaNoWriMo’s site, but that’s not to say I won’t. But I’m at least assured it won’t be the cruddy poetry I’m exposed to on the other site. Damn twelve-year-olds and their “angst”…you don’t know what suffering is yet.

Rule Number Four: I will not refresh the page 18,000 times during my NaNoWriMo writing time just to be able to relieve stress by reporting people for rule-breaking on that stupid site. Although…maybe I should keep this one off the list. It’s oodles of fun. And I haven’t been warned for reporting too many people yet – which just means I’m not spamming the report line and there are a lot of stupid rule-breakers on that site.

Rule Number Five: I will not take everything said toward me on the message boards as a personal attack, even if it clearly is – and if it clearly is, I will report the little son of a bitch for harassing my ass. I must remember that not everything is a personal attack – they can’t see me and I can’t see them. They’re looking at a computer screen, not me physically typing the words into the screen and hitting the “Submit” button to send the digital data on its merry little way. Once it’s posted, I can’t be held responsible for their actions – and I can’t be held responsible for mine if they piss me off. This includes me throwing my laptop out the window if I get mad enough to do so. Although, there are days when the idiots on that site make everything into a personal attack, and if that occurs, I will remember I can hit the “Report” button and report them for harassment. And then I’ll be a happy Jordi-Li once more.

These are my five rules and regulations for a happier and more productive session on my least-favorite forum. Hopefully, these will work for you as well, whether you use them to survive on a less-than-tolerable forum or your favorite one that has suddenly been overrun by idiots.