I Will Not…

Five Rules and Regulations for Not Pissing Off Your Friends

A Semi-Satiric Essay by Jordan A. Masters

Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to the topic of not doing things, but I’ve had a busy and productive few months following my own advice from the last time. But since I do use an instant messenger, and seem to have constantly angst-ridden friends, I’ve been forced to momentarily abandon my current work-in-progress to write up another essay – this one’s about how not to piss off your friends. This can be while using instant messenger, email, or even in good old-fashioned face-to-face conversation.

Rule Number One: I will not constantly mention how my pets/little brother/parents are “ruining my life.” Hint: I don’t give a damn. Neither do your friends. Chances are, their own pets/little brother/parents are “ruining their life” too. And I’m positive your friends really don’t want to hear about it. It just reminds them of their own problems they can’t get up the balls to fix. So kindly leave any talk of pets, siblings, or parents out of the discussion unless it becomes relevant, and please, only stick to the topic and do not, under any circumstances, mention that they are “ruining your life.” Lots of things can do that. I’m sure these aren’t special.

Rule Number Two: No matter how bad a day I’m having, I will not mention, under any circumstances, the word “suicide.” Why? Simple reason – your friends might just have your parents put you in a rubber room. On top of that, if you mention endless talk of that word, eventually your friends may just get sick of it and offer to hand you a rope or a razor and help out. If you really do mean it, seek help – if you don’t, then shut up and stop using it as a ploy for attention. Your friends won’t appreciate it.

Rule Number Three: I will not start a fight just because the conversation has hit a lull. This includes, but isn’t limited to, making fun of something you know they like. Making fun of something your friend likes is guaranteed to earn you one thing – one less friend. At least, if you do it often enough. Make fun of that friend one too many times and it’s “Nice knowin’ ya, don’t let the door hit ya on the way out.” Moving on.

Rule Number Four: I should remember that these are my friends and that they have problems of their own to deal with. I’ve seen some pretty strange things happen when a friend tells another friend they’re “too busy to help deal with shit.” This includes the friend being notified of “de-friending” via Facebook and MySpace, being blocked on instant messenger, and various other things. Simply because they were too busy dealing with a problem of their own to help someone else with petty shit. Firstly, these are your friends. You probably like them for more reasons than “such-and-such is a great person to bitch to.” At least, I would hope you did, and I’m pretty sure your friends would hope you did, too. Secondly, your friends are people just like you – they aren’t static beings, they live in the same world you do and have problems of their own to deal with. And as hard as that is to remember sometimes, as difficult as it is to understand that someone else might be going through something at the same moment you are, you have to add that to the laundry list of “Shit I Need To Deal With Today.” Not all your friends will drop their own problems thesecond you come online/over to their place and cry “My mom just overcooked the brownies!” As I said before – they probably don’t care. For all you know, while your mom was burning the brownies, their grandfather just ended up in the hospital. So think before you call/IM/go over to bitch that your cat just threw up on the new carpet and guess who has to clean it up? My guess is, they know it’s you, and are probably thinking you could be done cleaning it up before you’re done bitching about it.

Rule Number Five: I will not selfishly bug my friends to do things when I know they’re busy with other shit. If you call up your friend at 6 pm and ask them to join you at a club or something, and they say no, accept the answer and move on! If you ask a friend for help and she says she’s busy, accept the answer and move on! If you…you see where I’m headed with this. Now, if you ask a friend to please post a new chapter of a story she’s writing, and she says she’s currently put the story on hiatus, you should not beg for the next six weeks for the new chapter. It only makes your chances of ever seeing that chapter diminish. And by “beg,” I mean on your instant messenger, every other day – “When r u gonna put the new ch up?” It’s kind of annoying, and probably makes your friend wonder why she’s still talking to you.

And there you have it. Five simple and (I hope) easy-to-remember rules on how not to piss off your friends. Please do have a lovely day with your friends, and if you piss them off, well…you can’t blame me, I told you not to.