Enclosed Thoughts: Chapter 1

I feel so lost. So afraid. Nobody can understand me. “Christopher?” bleats my mother, all the time when I’m in a little enclosed space. I don’t like my name. Most people call me Chris. I’m a lot more familiar with it. Mother burst into my room, but she didn’t hug me. I don’t like being touched. I usually hit out in self defence if people try to touch me. Instead, she held out the palm of her hand, and put it up against mine. It was then that I realised I was crying. “It’s ok,” whispered Mother, “Don’t cry. It’s not your fault he hit you.” Father tried to kill me. He cut me all the way down my cheek. I just stared at him, gingerly touching my cheek, which was sticky with dark blood. “You make it so difficult for me,” he raged, knocking me to the ground. I was so frightened of him; that I just lay on the floor and screamed. I didn’t stop until he left me alone. I’m used to this abuse. I get it every day. It’s because of the way I am. The only person who understands me is Michael. He knows about all my nervous tics, and he helps me calm down. He would never touch me like Father did, hurting me in that way. I have Asperger’s Syndrome, which makes some ignorant people avoid me in the streets, or they talk to Mother. It’s not her fault. My full name is Christopher Hart. No middle names. It’s down on many records. Medical. Social. Family. Birth. And too many others to speak about.

I like to close myself off from other people. This makes Father very angry with me. Sometimes I can’t understand what the problem is. He’ll just get angry and lash out. Mother begs him to stop, but he beats her as well. I have mixed feelings for Michael, some of them too confused to even think about. But it’s not just my condition I get bullied about. It’s because I’m in love with Michael, but I feel the same way about girls. I’m bisexual.