Cry to Stop the Pain

If I cry long enough and hard enough maybe all the pain will at last be gone, melted away by my endless tears. I could cry forever… I really could, thinking about how I can’t have you, how instead you love her.

Perhaps the tears will be too much for my body to hold and I will at last explode, with nothing left except the salty water from my eyes. If only the tears could just make me fade away, to a place where the pain is gone.

Where the pain isn’t ripping my heart apart and I don’t convulse over and over, trying to keep breathing when my lungs ache to stop. It would be easier if they would just stop filling with pain and instead the pain fell from my eyes in tears and all was at last peaceful.

But you’ve made me accept that life doesn’t work that way, that breathing keeps us going even when we think everything should end. It’s one of those automatic instincts of the body just keep breathing to live… And so even the pain can’t stop the air filtering in and out and in again, because it’s instinct to survive; the only instinct we really have left, is to fight for life, even when we think we want to die, our bodies protest and believe they know better and so we keep breathing.

It’s the uncontrollable urge to curl up and never come out, to never see the world I know so little of again, not unless you come to me. Because you could heal it all, with those words that you’ve said before… but no I’m lying. You wouldn’t be able to heal it with the words, I’d have to see the truth of it in your eyes and I know that is not going to happen, so instead I get up. I mull through life until you can brighten my day and just when I’m giving up hope, I hear your voice and it’s the pain all over again.

Maybe that’s why I want to cry and never stop. It would make it easier, just to keep the constant sadness, then to go from ecstatic to depressed in a matter of moments that all revolve around you. But then again everything revolves around you now… because everything I am wants you, even when I try to deny it, I know that deep down I will never stop wanting you, loving you.

So can I just cry till there is no pain? Please, I’m begging please… I’m too weak to do anything more than lie on the floor begging. Let me cry away all the hurt you have locked away secretly in my heart, when you didn’t even know that you had the key.