A.N: I’m totally ignoring that I haven’t written in while. I don’t care who read this and who reviews. I’m totally embarrassed about letting people see this but eh, you know what. I’m insane enough to believe that love is beautiful – even if it has to do with my own personal torture. And as horrible as I feel at the moment I don’t want to forget an experience like this. So there you go. I refuse to care. : D

(Untitled)

In the 19 years I’ve been here. In the countless seconds I’ve been fortunate enough to have my heartbeat. In the millions of “worst days” I’ve had. In the thousands of rainy days I’ve been soaked up to my bones. In the many rooms I’ve fallen, wailing to my knees. In the hundred sad songs I’ve sung while tears poured down my face and kissed my lips. In the several people that have passed by and depleted my trust. Through every emotion I thought I wouldn’t survive. Through every day I thought I would just stop breathing. Through every memory that’s made me dizzy enough to freeze everything for a second. Through ever inch of life I said I wouldn’t survive, but knew I would. Through every thought I’ve clicked onto this screen. Through the thoughts I can’t express through any kind of words. Just through everything I could never make anyone else feel by reading on an overly bright computer screen –

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way.

I don’t think anyone’s made me feel so helpless and out of control.

I don’t think I’ve ever been this confused and stuck before.

And I know this won’t be the last time. But still, it’s the first. And this is when I’ll have to survive it. This is the first day of another test, of another fight, of another experience.

And I’m confused again. I thought that I’d already lived through every pain possible. I thought that when something hurt I would know what to do. But this is something knew. This is on a whole different equilibrium for me. I can’t get rid of this like I normally do.

It doesn’t go away when I curl up into a ball and wash my knees in salty tears that have started to taste unbelievably good.

It won’t go away with every time I grow angry with myself for succumbing to sweets till I feel sick.

It doesn’t disappear with each day I just can’t seem to swallow anything.

And the covers of my bed won’t chase it away, even though I really wish they would.

And no matter how many hours I sleep. No matter how many valuable minutes I waste on it. No matter how many days I don’t eat enough or eat too much. No matter how many pounds I gain. No matter what I do, I haven’t figured out how to make it go away.

And it’s aggravating.

It’s unfamiliar.

It’s mind-boggling.

And I can’t take it.

And as cliché as this sounds. As stupid, as corny, and as embarrassing it is to admit. As Hollywood script I know this is. I’m almost positive; I’ve fallen in love.

And it’s depressing to think that every written romance that’s made me want to hurl. Every anecdote that’s made me roll my eyes. Every fable and piece of fiction I thought could only exist with the formula of an artists’ tired mind and worn out pen.

It’s all so real.

It’s true that life is so common that it can be played out on a big screen. I don’t think I can accept how depressing that is.

Because I’ve always wanted to believe that love was so special that it couldn’t be faked by some Hollywood hottie. I wanted to trick myself into thinking that it was nothing like it looked in the movies. I want to believe that…

I would discover something in it that no one else ever had.

But what makes me so special to come up with something like that, I don’t’ know. Because now I know how wrong I was. It really is what people say.

It’s confusing. And it’s painful. And I don’t want to accept it.

I can’t accept being this out of control. I can’t accept feeling so unguarded and naked. I can’t accept being so weak. I don’t’ want to accept that someone else can make me feel this way.

I want to be able to fake a smile again. I want to pretend I’m so cold and so mean that I can’t feel emotions like this. I want to – like always – pretend I’m the strongest person anyone knows.

I’m not the one that plays this role. I’m the one that just watches and thinks I’d never be so vulnerable. I’m the one that can smile no matter how miserable anyone else is. I’m the one that can cry unexplainable pain out when she’s alone, and be happy when everyone else is watching.

This isn’t me.

This really isn’t me.

I just want my safe haven back. I want my cold stares that cover me up. I want the smiles that light up my face. I want my impossible optimism back.

I won’t believe that someone so simple could just take it away.

Because, suddenly, somehow, I’ve become the one that listens to love songs. I’ve become the one that sighs while watching people kiss. I’ve become the one yearning for arms to keep her protected and warm. I’ve become so solely dependent on an emotion I don’t understand.

And oh my god… I’m so afraid.

I want to sing karaoke songs with hidden meanings, hoping you’ll finally get it. I want to stop eating so you’ll ask me if I’m ok. I want to cry in front of you so I wouldn’t have to hide this anymore. I want to spend every minute with you because I can feel my heart drowning. I want to casually slip my hand into yours. I want to ‘accidentally’ fall asleep on your shoulder. I want to find excuses to always be right by your side.

But. I can’t.

For the first time in my life, I want to voluntarily let my guard down. I want to let someone see how weak and vulnerable I really am. I want someone to take care of me. I want someone to see how raw, how pure, how clumsy, how absent-minded, how afraid, I really am. Finally, I’m willing to show someone how I smile to seem strong. I want them to watch me fall to my knees when I’m weak. I’m ready to stop being strong for once so someone else can be strong for me. And it’s embarrassing. It’s annoying. It’s upsetting. But I honestly and surprisingly, I don’t care. And I know I’ve never been able to get this far, and I’m proud.

I’m in love. And finally, just finally – I’m not ashamed of being human.

I’m ready to let someone hold my hand when I ice skate. I prepared to let myself float in someone’s arms when I’m trying miserably to swim. I’ll let you know who I am inside and out. I’m so unbelievably ready – But I can’t do anything.

In a million years I never thought I would let myself fall so bad. I never thought I would ever trust anyone this much. But I did. I do. But now.

N O W

When I’ve become stupid enough to do this. Now, is when I can’t.

Because there’s already someone by your side. There’s already someone who can freely hold your hand. There’s already someone that’s cried in front of you. There’s already another extremely vulnerable, ditsy, happy girl that’s there next to you.

And you know. This is just my luck. So tell me. Mister I don’t like being with my girlfriend. Go on. Stop complaining about this girl I know nothing about, have never seen, and would do anything to be – and tell me what the hell am I supposed to do about it now. Stop holding out chairs for me. Stop holding doors for me. No, thank you, I can carry my own things. I don’t need you to blow on my tea – I have my how lips. I don’t need you to stare into my eyes till I’m nervous. I don’t need you to constantly meet me with your smile and make me swoon. I don’t need to you randomly hug me and help my heart get closer to flat lining. I don’t need you to things you don’t normally like, just because I asked you too. I really don’t need any of the extra stress.

So, no thank you.

I won’t wait like this forever. I refuse to be miserable like this just for you. I’m not stupid enough to stay so confused. I don’t deserve even an inch of this. What have I ever done to you? All I want is for you to stop being so horrible to me and so unfair to that girl I’ve never met. Clear your empty head and stop tinkering with other people’s precious feelings.

Ugh. You clever little idiot. For the love of God, just leave me alone. Just disappear and let me get on with my life. Pretend I don’t exist. Be horribly mean to me. Act like you hate my guts. Do anything but make me more confused. My brain is already having it little personal melt down. Yes, you’ve already fried it. It’s reached its limits. You’ve maxed it out.

So, honestly, what more do you want?

A.N: do whatever you want.