A Self Tour

“welcome to my mind; a tour costs an arm and a leg… actually, maybe it’s more, but it’s not like i regulate the price or anything. so, then, do you want to pay? i think you’re probably the first visitor; okay, follow me.” i’ll take your hand, here we go. don’t let go, now, or you’ll be lost. that’s it, just like that. here’s the entrance, now, come along, come with me. remember, you’re putting yourself at risk; i’m not liable for anything that happens here, just remember that, okay?

remember, this is my mind you’re looking at

this is the entrance, the first room, the very beginning. this is the shallowest part, the part i always think about, the part that’s always there. yes, that’s right, look, let’s open the lock, now, take out papers, just like that. remember to write down everything—you don’t want to forget, now, because if you do, well, that could have dire consequences, right? of course i’m right, this is my mind, after all, and i’m always right here. so, then, take the papers and books and other junk that i actually need but don’t ever want to look at and put them in the bag, yes in the bag. you’ve got to remember, this is important, shallow stuff; this is the stuff that’s always on my mind, see? it’s shallow, see? say goodbye now, yes, just like that. see you tomorrow. i’ll be here, in the most shallow place, the front of my mind, the part i’m always thinking about. yes, i’ll be here tomorrow, like i always am. why am i always halfheartedly here?

i want to go home.

congrats, you’ve made it through the first room; i think you’re the first one. here we go again, second room. this is where my heart is, it’s far less shallow, it’s deeper, it’s where i want to be. no, scratch that, this is where i always am, but never can be. these are the people who are most important to me, most dear, the three of them. and she, she’s someone i admire. i want her patience, her understanding. she’s easy to listen to, i want to be like her. there are others, too. i want to be like him, he had integrity while he was still alive. tis well, he said, and then he died. but i want to be like him all the same; he was the first… oh… Publius, too, i admire him, too, he was incredible, though i would never want to be like him. why? that’s secret. and i want to be like Him, too, like Him, the Savior. i know i will never get close, not even close, not even close, i can’t be perfect, but i want to try, not to be perfect, because that’s too much to expect, but i want to try. live my life the way He would have lived it, perhaps i can, i’ll try. oh, this is rude of me, ignoring you. that was a slight detour, let’s get back on track, shall we?

“i am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow, a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind, still…”

are you still here? even after the first two rooms, you’re still here? well, then welcome to the third room, which is even deeper than before. we’re actually in my mind, now, and maybe you’ll come to understand, or maybe you’ll be so afraid, or maybe you’ll be delighted. whatever it is, i don’t care—it’s my mind, after all. put the shirt on, the white t-shirt, yes the one with the ripped sleeve. what is it? it’s a t-shirt, obviously, it’s a t-shirt, can’t you see it? perhaps you need to get your eyes checked. can you feel it? i guess not, it only works for me, i suppose. do you see that, yes, it’s blowing. isn’t it beautiful? i want to preserve it, i want to save it. don’t tell me it sounds stupid, it’s important to me. crumpled paper, it’s just crumpled paper, but it’s not obsolete, it’s not! then, let’s continue, come, come, can’t dawdle all day, really, i don’t want you in here all day, and i’m sure you don’t want to be in here either.

have a bit of confidence!

this is the fourth room, this is what i want, what i want, i want it, i’ll strive for it, i know i can get it. i’ll keep striving, i’ll keep going, i won’t let the dream fade, it’s right in front of me, i just have to reach, just a little farther, just a little… i need a step, take me up a step. white material, yes, all around me, trailing down past my thighs, down far, but above my heels; this is what i want. the dream, it’s right there. i know it, i know it, it’s achievable! i just… i just… i need a bit of confidence, that’s all i need. and it won’t be taken from me, i know it won’t, i won’t let it be. this is my mind, after all, and anything is possible in here…

i feel it so much that it breaks my heart

this is the fifth room. it’s empty, i know, i’m not blind. what is the room for, then, you ask? ha, i answer, what isn’t it for?

you’re almost done, this is the final room…

this is the final room, where i always am, really and truly. see, the window, it’s raining outside. it’s cold, but in here it’s nice and warm. it is. i sit here, and, and see that? open it, yes. take a look, this is what i want to do. if only this wasn’t the last, deepest part of my mind, then maybe i’d have a bit of time to do it, to unwind, to let go. maybe if this part of my mind wasn’t chained off, it would be okay. everything would be better, i just need to find a bit of time. time is constraining, isn’t it? perhaps it’s not time’s fault—it’s the organization of my mind. yes, that must be it. perhaps i need a bit of reorganizing. but anyway, this is the final room. what’s that? you’re asking what that door over there is for? i’m afraid i can’t tell you because, frankly, i’ve never been in that door. or maybe i have, and i’m just not telling you.

i think that’s it, i’m just not telling you.

you’re done, thanks for the arm and leg, and i’m glad you enjoyed the tour. any other questions can be directed to your own mind, thanks, mine is closed, now, for renovations, or maybe even forever. yes, perhaps forever would be a good idea. what’s that face for? you didn’t get anything out of this tour? well, i’m sorry, but there are no refunds, i just revealed the inner workings of my mind, and i can’t give anything back. think about it, you must have learned something, there was something in there that can reveal… reveal what? i don’t know, don’t ask me, we’re not in my mind anymore, now are we? now go, go to your own mind. perhaps if you examine it closely, you’ll be able to understand my mind. then again, maybe not.

never lose…

…the will…

…to smile.

-Lefty