For Jeff

The walls, dark gray, and repulsive

Concrete

Cold

Slowly close in around you

You feel the chill of their heartless bodies

Against your arms

You feel their pressure increasing heavily

Against your weakening chest

Your eyes open

Sleep

What now is rare,

What was then was a blessed release,

Is tainted.

Life

Real and Clutching

Crawled into it,

Burrowed into sleep even

Like a parasite,

Feeding greedily on your last sense of relief

It

Hurts

Too much

It

Kills

Too quickly

The breath is being crushed out of you

Suffocation, you almost welcome it to feel

Something

You’re drowning,

Treading in waters too thick

Too dark

Too strong

To pull yourself out of

Then you see it

That hand reaching out,

It’s not necessarily strong

You can see the purple bruises

Spreading up the forearm

From the other hands grabbing on

Hanging on too tightly.

It’s not much

But

Its something real

Something sturdy

Something unmoving

Something

Someone

You feel the tug-o-war

Between the swirling waves

And her faith in you

Guilt fills you

Unnecessary guilt, you know

Irrational guilt

Guilt fills you

Guilt drains you

She tells you,

In her voice dripping with truth,

That it’s not your fault

That you need to fight

That you need to take hold

That you can’t let go

The walls spread a little

Inch away ever so slightly

As she joins in your fight

As she helps you

Push against them

Holds you up in the process,

Holds the others up,

Holds herself up

Holds those walls back

Holds the weak damn

That keeps back the magnetic

Ravenous

Sea of it all

Up

You love her

You’ve never known love

You’ve never known compassion

You’ve never known mercy

But

You know

You love her

Your trembling lips open to tell her so

The sweat on your brow ceasing a bit

As she joins your struggle

As she becomes your shield.

But when you look at her

You can’t help but freeze

Choke

On those three words

The pressure is back

This time in your throat

Stopping your voice

Wringing your vocal chords

Then she smiles

She smiles as she holds back your burdens

And you know

You Know

You Love Her

You open your mouth to say so

But before you draw your breath

She smiles once more

And beats you to it

Whispering

I Love You

Through her cracking lips

You can see her cracking shoulders

Holding onto the walls

Pushing back the damn

It hurts almost

Almost

Hurts.

But she’s here now

She’s still standing

She’s the only thing holding back

The pressure

The waves

Now.

The only thing

Holding back the goddamn razor

With its false promises of relief.

Without realizing,

You smile back at her.

You eye the water pooling in the hole

That she’s standing in

You eye the dark water of your past

Your mistakes

You eye it guiltily

But you can’t bring yourself to do anything

You Love Her

But she’s the thing

Holding back the old life

Holding back the old reality

To Love Her

Is to Move her

Is to switch her positions

And you can’t do it.