Rules of Engagement

They said goodbye’s and wished farewells without uttering a word to one another, as they got in the car to drive back to school. Night grew darker and the silence more uncomfortable, but every now and then, they shifted in their seats and would nonchalantly glance at each other. It was clear that neither was happy with the awkward silence but neither cared to break it.

“I’m sorry about last night,” he finally choked out; glancing at her quickly, then back at the road.

She nodded and silently stared out the passenger window. He glanced at her again and decided to switch lanes; as if that’s why he had looked her direction to begin with.

“Don’t do this, honey.”
“Do what?” she innocently inquired.
“This! The silent treatment thing. It drives me insane!”
“You weren’t talking either.”
“I am now.”
“I just don’t know what to say.”
“Say anything.”
“Anything.”
“Sure, anything.”
She chuckled and tried not to smile as she sipped her Dr. Pepper.
“What?”
“I did what you told me to.”
“You know I didn’t mean it like that.”
“But you did.”
“Whatever.”

Silence.

They tried to ignore everything about each other and themselves; like how sleep deprived they both obviously were. Black bags hung beneath his eyes. His hair was a mess of long brown rat nests. His clothes were re-worn and crinkled. She fared about the same with bloodshot, teary eyes; smeared make-up; a runny nose; and greasy hair that was loosely pulled back behind her cute ears. She sat in the fetal position with a pillow on her knees to support her head. It looked uncomfortable, but she always argued that it wasn’t, so he wasn’t going to bring it up tonight.

“I love you, ya know.”

She squirmed as if the mere words made her physically uncomfortable.

“Look, we’ve been dating for three years. You knew this was coming. It had to come.”
“No it didn’t! It could have waited. You didn’t even talk to me about it or let me pick the ring or anything. I never had a say in this!”
“Would you have wanted that? You say it’s strange when couples do that.”
“I just want my opinion to matter.”
“It does.”
“No it doesn’t! All I can say is ‘yes’ or ‘no.’”
“We can talk this through. You can get a different ring. I’m sure they’ll be willing to exchange it, but we just thought that you’d like that one…”
“WE?”
“Yeah, your sister and your mom helped me pick it out.”
“So you included them in this decision and not me. Thanks.”

She turned back to the window and let her head fall into the pink and green pillow. She was crying. She hated crying, especially in front of people, so she attempted to hide her tears, but it was impossible. She’d keep trying, nonetheless. He tried to say something, but stopped and stared ahead, watching the road to avoid another conflict.

“I love the ring. It really is amazing,” she finally blurted, without looking up. “I just need time…”
“How about three years?”
“It’s different! This is a life-long commitment. How can I make that so hastily? How can I know that without some time to think?”
“You should have at least considered it by now.”
“I did… but I could never decide…”

She sipped her Dr. Pepper with a loud slurp, her hands fondling the aluminum cylinder while she stared at it, as if there was something mysterious or entrancing about the maroon can. She started saying something and stopped. Her head hesitantly fell back into her pillow for a few minutes before she came back up and tried again.

“I don’t understand how you could spend your life with me. I hurt you, I make you wait for me, I complicate and add stress to your life, and…”
“And I love you.”
“Why?”
“Because I just do.”
“How do you know?”
“I choose to. It's not just a feeling.”
“But how can you be so sure? How do you know? Am I just so stupid that I’m missing something obvious? Am I overcomplicating it? How can you just choose to do this and I can’t?”

She stopped after looking back at him; his frustrated face seemed to be worse than before. His left hand gripped the steering wheel so hard that it made his knuckles appear white and his fingertips turned red. His right hand lay at his side, balled into a fist, holding the middle seatbelt in his grasp. She bit her lip and wiped away her tears, hoping he wouldn’t see. He saw but said nothing. Silence engulfed the car like a flood takes over an unprepared town.

Minutes seemed like hours before he made a quick lane change. She finished her soda just as they took the exit for the small college town. Her hand brushed his free hand while she reached over to put the empty can in the cup holder, and as her hand fell back to her side, their fingers became entangled. He gently squeezed her hand. She scooted closer to him.

“What are we going to do? We can’t just do this for the sake of doing it. Isn’t that wrong? It seems wrong to me…”
“Why? We don’t need a specific reason for doing everything, do we?”
“I guess not…”
“Can’t we just enjoy life together? Can’t we just be happy? Can’t we just be in love?”
“I just…”
“You don’t know.”
“I’m sorry.”

The game of red light, green light ended as they pulled into an open parking spot. He threw the car into park and ripped the keys from the ignition. As he moved to get out of the car, she let her head rest upon his shoulder. Minutes passed by, one after another, piling up, and filling the void left by their silence. The windows slowly fogged up until they couldn’t see out, and parts started to frost over in the brisk, winter air. Her arm curled through his and she held on tight, letting his shirt absorb the tears that trickled down her face.

“You smell good.”
He let a smile finally crack through his frustrated face, “Thanks…”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just don’t want to make a mistake that we’ll both spend a lifetime paying for.”
“I know.”

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer. She nestled against him and sighed heavily.

“I want to love you back…like how you love me… like how you show me, all the time…”
“Then how about trying?” he quickly snapped.

She put her face into his shirt, trying to muffle her sniffles and tears, as he looked at her with pity, holding her tightly, and wishing she could learn to let go of everything and love. But she’d never let her walls down, and he finally realized that she never would. For anyone. So, as tears came down his face, he tried to stay strong, keep his composure, and face the fact that his proposal would never be turned down; it would just never be answered.