I count caterpillars from the ceiling walls,

I whisper my sexual fantasies

To the person resting in my bed

She doesn’t exist

Just some one-night stand

I’m okay with that.

I burn myself with a cigarette,

And I enjoy the scar it leaves

I wince in the pain

And love the wine I drink to forget it.

“oh jesus,” I say.

Even though I don’t believe,

But I tell myself,

I believe in something more,

I believe in something

I believe in what feels good

I believe in happy.