The Color Snow

Have you ever felt really cold in the winter that you just wished that summer can come soon?

Have you ever felt your hands very cold and your feet baren that you just wished you have someone to warm them up?

Have you ever hated to go outside during the cold and just wanted to stay on the couch watching a nice movie with a blanket wrapped around you?

I haven't.

I was never curious about the color of summer but I was about the color of snow. I was not allowed outsie when it snowed. I was always wrapped around with warm gloves and shoes that the cold and sore feelings of hands and feet didn't give me a chance to experience. I hated to sit on the couch. I hated to watch the television that its color I couldn't even see.

It had probably grown in me to wish to see the snow. I was waiting for a long time and finally the twentieth Christmass since I was born, there was someone who was willing to show me that color.

--

"Angel, are you comfortable with so much people around like this?" My mom whispered to me probably in her own mother's intuition she sensed I wasn't very comfortable with the loud voices and unrecognizable people around.

"I'm fine mom. Why is there so many people this year?"

She sat down near me on the couch and gave out a small sigh, "You know how it is with our families. Suddenly this year everyone wanted to celebrate here in our house. It has been a while..." she stopped for a while before suddenly announcing to me, which rendered a surprised reaction from me since I wasn't really used to the already loud voices, "your brother is coming back today. He should be here soon."

Just that moment the doorbell rang and my mother after excitedly whispering to me 'that's him' went directly away leaving me behind extending my arms out unable to ask her to take me with her. I could walk to the door by myself but at a time when there were so many people I didn't want to risk bumping into people and gained the unnecessary sympathetic attention from them afterwards. Afterall, the best way to sympathize with someone wasn't to say sympathetic 'at-the-moment' feelings but to actually remain quiet and feel the pain he/she went through. I wasn't expecting that from anyone thus I remained seated and anxiously waited for my mom to come back.

"Angel, Angel!" My mom's voice rang across the room and able to detect where the sound was from I turned in that direction extending my arms out. My hand was grasped by a cold and rough hand that was quite unfarmiliar to me at that time and due to its strangeness I quickly denied the touch.

"It's me Angel, don't you recognize my touch?" A voice that I haven't heard for a while except through the phone but in person it was still very different. I could feel it the person standing in front of me was my brother. Slowly, I stood up and waited for him to hug me for I didn't detect where I should throw myself at to hug him. I wasn't going to throw myself randomly and missed him. As soon as he wrapped his arms around my shoulder I extended mine and hugged him tightly. I smelled my foreign brother that only came home once in a month due to his hectic work schedule and school; he smelled like the soap my mom washed my clothes with. What a sentimental smell...

He quickly let go of me and said happily, "Angel, look...I mean here I brought home a friend. Matt come here!" I didn't know where to look or how to react. He brought home a friend? So I remained stading there perplexed at what expression I should make. I wasn't sure of how the other relatives of mine where doing either. I wasn't aware whether they were there with my brother, his friend, and mother or were they in the kitchen eating. I wasn't sure of anything except for the fact that my brother just brought home his friend.

"Hello Angel." My brother's friend said in a solemn and hoarse voice. Was he sick, the first thought that came into my mine after he said his greeting so I wasn't aware of my impoliteness for not replying. I felt my brother nudging me to reply so in a quick panic mode I said hi back. It was probably very rude, in my brother's friend's eyes, but I couldn't produce any different reponse than that for he was a stranger.

When everyone left and I was alone once again in my room. All the commoton had ceased and my brother was in my mind asleep in his room due to fatigue. His friend stayed for Christmass for he had no family residing with him so being the nice friend my brother was he offered him our house. I didn't say anything but I did mind a little that there was a completely new person staying at my house. Therefore I wasn't able to sleep and a sudden thought came across my mind. I got up and quietly and carefully stepped down the stairs. I reached the door with the cane being the only aid for my journey and as soon as I opened the door I felt the cool air gushing through my skin. I was in my pajamas and even though that wasnt enough to keep me warm I felt very contented.

I walked outside and fearing that I might not be able to get back inside I remained close to the door. I sat down on the little built bench for me and smelled the cool air. It was very exciting to sneek out of the house knowing that I wasn't allowed. It was very relaxing for my body to be pierced through with cold air. It was a moment I had wanted for a while but unfortunately that Christmass there was no snow. I was waiting to see the color of snow.

"Why are you out here?"

Startled, I turned towards the direction of the voice. I recognized it right away to be my brother's friend's. Because of my lack in eyesight I trained my ears, or more like my ears became sensitive to the slightest noise, to be able to recognize the tone after hearing it once. Scared, I asked "What are you doing here?"

"Nothing. I was just thinking about certain things. What about you?" There was a little hesitation in his voice as soon as he spoke but then the tone quickly changed. I figured he didn't want to talk about it thus the change in topic towards me. So knowing how he felt I went with the flow. I wasn't so scared of him anymore like I previously had. I guess the uncomfortable feeling was due to the crowded group of people whose faces I have never really seen.

"Me? I just want to see the color of snow."

"See?"

I just smiled. I understood exactly his reponse. Despite how absurd that sounded I really just wanted to see the color of snow. I reckoned it was due to my sudden silence and sad expression that he apologized.

"It is okay. I understand what you think." I looked up into the sky before continuing, "what is up there like?"

"It's just a moon and some barely noticiable stars. It's not that great since the street lights covered most of the stars."

"You know saying that didn't help me at all. Moon and stars, I could recognize the shape but I couldn't really see exactly what they look like. Even if I know the moon is white or the stars are yellow I couldn't really understand what white and yellow really are. I couldn't even tell what color it's right now. Is it even a color? It's like I can't see anything. It's not dark nor is it white I just don't know what it is. Some say it's darkness while others say it's whiteness but do they see what I see or more like do they see the color that I couldn't see?"

"Huh?"

"Nevermind. I guess that shall always remain a mystery for me unless I actually experience it. It's similar to how when you are living you dreams of heaven and fear hell. However, we don't actually know whether heaven and hell actually exist and the dead doesn't come back to tell you. It's like an unknown agreement between the living and the death that each shall have its own secret. The living shall always be thinking about the afterlife of death while the dead shall be prohibited to tell the living about such mystery. Don't you ever think about it?"

A moment of silence before a voice accompanied with the sound of wind rang through my ears, "No I haven't thought about it that deep. I was just thinking that living is living and death is death nothing else to it. As long as you are iiving you should worry about how you should live a happy life."

"What is a happy life to you?" I asked inquiringly.

"One that I can spend with my family and the person I love..."

"I see. I can spend it with my family but a person I love might not be possible. Who would love me..." I thought about it and became quiet again. The wind blew my hair against my face making me suddenly realizing that the cold isn't as comfortable as I thought. When one is sad it becomes a pain inducer, feeling wise. Out of no where, quite unexpected, a hand suddenly touched mine and as if knowing that I was going to reject it it suddenly grasped onto me tighter.

"You will find someone."

I sat there unable to move and unable to know where to look. I couldn't understand his words.

"Have you actually look withi yourself?"

I shook my head in confusion.

"Well, let's get inside you will get a cold with that thin piece of pajamas on you." He led me inside, up to my door, and a while after I closed my door I also heard another one being closed.

The next two weeks he stayed there and even though we didn't talk much I had a feeling from him that he wasn't a bad person. I didn't know why but I just couldn't come to give my guard against him. That might sound unreasonalbe but if one thinks about it it is the same as if you try a new food expecting that it is good instead of thinking it might be poisonous. Why? It is because you just don't guard against the people that make the food because you think you buy it so it must be at least healthy. The same idea could be related to my situation: there was nothing he could gain from me and plus if he was trustworthy enough for my brother, an unapproachable man by nature, then he wouldn't be bad at all.

The night before my brother had to leave we had a very happy dinner. After dinner, I was sitting with my mom and brother chatting when suddenly he said "Angel, look there is snow outside."

"Honey, don't say that..." My mom said in a low voice trying to warn him that I couldn't see but I was so used to that phrase already that it became natural to me.

"It's okay mom."

Afterwards as if the happy moment was ruined by only a single word no one said anything anymore. I believed a few hours had passed and by then the snow had probably been quite packed up enough to make a snowman. Two big round circles and a small round one...

"Angel, come here." Matt, I was used to calling his name by then, called for me and I walked towards that direction. I was able to walk to the voice if there were people I was comfortable around. As soon as I walked to him he grabbed my hand and pulled me outside. Like I said if it was the first time I would have yelled for help but I followed him believing in his good intentions. My mom would have yelled at me for my easy nature but I figured that every person deserved to be thought of as "nice" for a start.

He brought me outside. I felt the cold litte drops of the snow on my face. Because it was unexpected that I got outside I didn't bring my gloves and my feet was bare, so I had the chance to feel the cold on my feet and the snow on my hand slowly dissolving. I was smiling despite how cold my feet and hands were.

"Do you know that whenever it snows there is a Snow Angel that comes down?"

"A Snow Angel?" I asked.

"Yes, the Snow Angel comes down and grant each drop of snow a wish."

"A wish?"

"The snow happens for a reason. The little drops of snow are workers who deliver the wonders of winter down to earth. So each time a drop of snow descended from above it brought to itself a mission and after the mission is done it is granted a wish."

"What is the mission?"

He held my hand and let me felt the snow falling on my palm; I could feel my skin tingling against the cold and wetness, "This is its mission."

I smiled and interested in the story I asked, "So what is the wish?"

"'I just want to become spring' the little drop of snow says. Indeed, after the sun comes up the snow does turn into water. Over time the little drops remain dormant under earth and after a while it grows into life. That's its wish."

"Spring grow into life?"

"Uhm, the water will go towards all the things in the world like the trees, flowers, and the little animals. They become incorporated into each organism and become alive."

"So what happened to the Angel Snow?" I asked quite amused by his little story telling. It shouldn't have attracted a twenty year old girl like me but inside I was feeling a little kid once again. I love that feeling.

"She went back to sleep until the next winter comes. She is waiting until the next sets of snow begin their missions next year."

"Oh I see..." I nodded before asking further, "So what does the Snow Angel look like?"

"You want to know?" He asked earnestly.

I nodded and he lead me towards a place where I could feel more snow widespread. "Lay down", he said.

I lied down like he said and to this day I wonder why I listened to him. It might have been his deep and warm voice or it might have been the little girl in me trusting a stranger who gave me the wish I desire: snow.

"Spread your arms and legs out." He said and I did just as he had instructed. After I did what I was told he lied next to me and whispered, "This is what a Snow Angel is like."

I was thinking and imagining the shape I made on the snow. A little girl with wings on the snow, the Snow Angel. I giggled.

"Will you be my Snow Angel?"

"Huh? Are you a drop of snow now?"

"If I am a drop of snow will you be my Snow Angel?"

"I'll think about it."

"So think about it in three seconds. 1, 2..."

"Hey that's not fair!" I protested.

"3. Tell me."

"You are such a cheater. Okay, I'll be your Snow Angel."

"Really?"

"Yes, now what is your wish after the mission?"

He remained quiet and I was happy he was thinking for his wish. I didn't know if I could turn him into spring but maybe I might be able to do something for him, my little snow drop.

"Remain dormant for me until the next winter when I'm actually on my mission."

"Huh?" Confused, I wasn't able to understand the meaning behind his words. To be honest I understood but I just wanted him to be clearer in his words and I more sure of my understanding.

"I'm asking my Snow Angel to wait for next year when I'm actually on my mission to grant me a wish."

"Well, then tell this Snow Angel this year so that she can prepare for the next."

"Alright," letting out a deep sigh he continued, "will you allow me to be the spring of your life after my mission is over?" He took my palm away from the snow and whispered into my ears,"Will you hold on to this drop of snow and let it melt your heart next year?"

Perplexed and overjoyed with the most beautiful confession so far in my life, I just smiled. I didn't answer him though and I could sense his anxiety as we walked back when my mother had noticed me missing for a long time. She was complaining to him about my condition and he was apologizing so badly. I felt guilty and later when everyone was drinking hot chocolate on the couch with him right next to me I wishpered "Yes."

I realized the color of snow wasn't any color I could see. The color of snow was the feeling that I had received from him. I had always wanted to feel the warmth within the coldness of winter. Therefore, the next year the same color came to me.

The color of snow was him.