In the deafening silence, I wipe away his tears. His faced flushed with sorrow, his tears a sign of his inner struggle, a war I wish I could fight for him; on the front lines, pushing back all his confusion, all his demons, all his worries and anguish.I love this beautiful boy, this gorgeous creation of the heavens. He stares in the mirror often times, and hates the reflection that stares back at him with piercing eyes.I want to hold him, shake him, wake him up and make him see for once the amazing, pure person I have seen since the day my eyes met his. He was so quiet that day, so shy and mysterious. I fell in love with every inch of him from that moment on. I promised my life to him, in my bed on a arm summer night. I stroked his hair, wiped his tears, and kissed his wounds. I told him I would be here in his arms like this always…through storms of lightening, through bloody cuts and stinging bruises. I whispered my true heart into his ears that night, knowing I never wanted to turn back. And now, months down a road that’s been rocky, that’s been wonderful and twisted, I still hold that promise in my heart. It’s buried there, permanent roots growing a plant that cannot be picked out of the soil, rain pouring on it as it grows ever stronger, ever greener, silky petals shimmering with the dew of my passion for him.
He’s afraid. He’s tormented inside. He’s so torn. He’s slowly realizing he doesn’t feel inside like what he his from the outside…this beautiful boy wants to be a beautiful girl.
I’ve made it through my own struggles, breaking the chains of a conservative Christian family and overcame my fear that I was gay. I found who I was an accepted I loved boys and I couldn’t deny joy.
The love of my life, the dream only seen on the silver screen, is changing.
“WE have so many plans,” he whimpers, sheltering his teary eyes from my concerning gaze. “Marriage, having kids, living together”
It’s then, and only then, I throw away my personal struggle. I want him happy, I want him to be all he can be, I want to be in this struggle with him to the very end.
And I have come to a conclusion. Through all my reservations, all my confusion and pain that one day my gorgeous boy might become a gorgeous girl, I realize something.
I don’t just love him because of his gender. I love him for his gentleness, his clever wit. I love his warm smile, his creative nature, his eye for beauty. I love him because he sees something in life I hope to see.
So years from now, whether it be down a shimmering, fairytale like church, or a hilltop under gorgeous clouds and a golden sun, I will take that hand and promise my life to our hearts.
Whether it be a sleek black suit or a clean white wedding dress, whether it be stubble of soft curves, I will love this creation of the heavens.
I fell in love with him not because he was a boy, but because he was my soul mate.
Because I knew from the single moment I touched his skin…
I would love him forever.
And I will still love her forever, too.