You Don't Know Me

A Drabble

Dear J,

If you knew me at all, you'd know that I'm no good at these things -- I never have been, and I know you aren't, either. Perhaps it's the one thing we've got in common. Our love, apparently, is one of the many differences between us; it is the biggest difference of all.

If you knew me at all, you'd know I've only ever truly loved one person in my entire thirteen years of life. Sure, I've had my share of crushes, but the only one I've loved consistently is, coincidentally, you. How ironic; if you knew me at all, you'd know I've loved you since boys miraculously shed their cooties and girls began to feel strangely towards the opposite sex.

If you knew me at all, you'd know that you were my first and only love.

If you knew me at all, you'd know I'm not one to impress. I don't care at all about looks, particularly my own. Was that why you chose to push me away; is that why you don't love me back? I suppose I'll never know, but that doesn't mean I'm dumb.

If you knew me at all, you'd know just how smart I am. I'm in the top of my class, and that's something I can be proud of. It's something that makes me different from the other girls you've dated. To be honest, none of them were good enough for you.

If you knew me at all, you'd know that the reason I seem so weird is because I'm completely and irrevocably in love with you. That's why I'm so quiet; that's why you never talk to me.

If you knew me at all, you'd know that I hardly ever step outside my shell publicly for fear you'll despise who I truly am underneath my shyness. I'd rather live in silence, watching you from afar rather than you and your friends laughing at me behind my back.

If you knew me at all, you'd know that the one solitary time I came out of the darkness for all to see was for you. That song I played on the guitar and sang in the school's talent show . . . it was for you. It was all for you.

If you knew me at all, you'd know just how proud I was when you stopped me in the hallway and told me how good I did. At that moment, I couldn't have been happier. I felt so warm.

If you knew me at all, you'd know that was the one time I actually felt acknowledged. I felt, in that one seemingly-insignificant moment, that you actually cared.

If you knew me at all, you'd know that I still remember that time in P.E., when I got hit in the face with that kickball Josh sent directly between my eyes. It hurt so badly at first; it stung, and I felt like bawling my eyes out in front of the entire class.

If you knew me at all, you'd know that you were the reason I didn't cry. You put your hand on my shoulder and asked me if I was all right. You acted so sincere, I felt like you were really worried about me. Were you?

If you knew me at all, you'd know that every time I hear a love song on the radio, your face is the only one I can picture in my mind. You are my love song.

If you knew me at all, you'd know that I cry in the middle of the night because I can so easily convince myself that you hate my living guts. So many people do, in any case. I cry because I knew you'll never feel the same as I do. You will never love me.

If you knew me at all, you'd know just how badly I felt when you let me down in the fourth grade. You told me that we could still be friends, but you couldn't return the feelings.

If you knew me at all, you'd know exactly how close to tears I was when, the very next day, you decided to go out with that other girl. My spirits were so low; I felt like dying. The only reason I wouldn't let myself shed those millions of tears was because I knew she made you happy. I knew you were content.

If you knew me at all, you'd know that I'd give up everything I've got to make you grin.

If you knew me at all, you'd know just how badly I want for us to be together. But I'll know that somewhere in the back of my mind, we will never be.

If you knew me at all, you'd know how completely fine I am with that.

Because if you knew me at all, you'd know that I love you. And if you don't love me back, and you don't know me at all, I'm happy with merely watching you smile from a distance.

That's good enough for me.

Always yours,

A.