Pringles - The Opera

Act Four: The Quizzotical Pringle

A/N: Omgggg. The response I've gotten for this story is just AMAZING. I thought since TCTTA was such a hit that the rest of my stories would just get like...5 or 10 reviews. I just love you guys so much. You're all so amazing and funny and sweet and nice and sexy. I want to have sex with you all. Five times a day. Each of you. Starting from A to Z.

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"Peyton." Julian calls from behind my door with a soft knock, "Bri said you have to get ready because we're going somewhere. He didn't say where."

"Tell him I don't want to go." I grumble and continue writing my letter of love to Elle. Goddddd. WHAT rhymes with fertile? I guess I could change it to fertility then it could be tranquility and-...

He laughs, "I don't think that's an option."

JUST GO AWAY!

Jesus.

I don't want to talk to him OR that cave troll: Candy.

I don't want to see them either.

I just want to spend my Saturday in my room, ALONE, cleaning and writing letters to Elle.

"Can I come in?" He asks.

"NO!" I shout.

"'Kay." He says and I hear the doorknob turning. GODDANGIT! WHY DIDN'T I LOCK THE DOOR?

"Well, whaddya know?" He gives me that stupid, hideous, dazzling grin of his, "It's magic."

"ARGH." I grumble and throw my pillow at him. He catches it and throws it back, purposely aiming at the other side of me, the other side of my bed.

I TRY to ignore him, hoping he'll leave, and then I continue rhyming elastic with something. I feel the bed dip next to me and I SWEAR he's looking at what I'm writing, over my shoulder.

"What are you writing?" He asks.

"None of your business. Now, can you PLEASE leave?"

He ignores me and asks, amusedly, "What the fuck is this?" He takes my letter of love from where I had it on my clipboard, on my bed.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY LETTER OF LOVE!" I shout at him and try to reach it but he holds it out of my way and leans back against my bed rest. He starts reading it in this dramatic voice or something...

"Your voice is the sound of angels harmonizing as one

Never outdone

You are the epitome of fertility

The maiden of tranquility

I would like to wrap my hands in your hair..." He stops because he's laughing so hard he's wheezing.

"...Ta-take some to my lair

Wrap your arms in elastic

Dress you in plastic..." He finishes and then falls back, continuing to laugh in my face and such.

"That's it?" He wheezes and drops my letter, holding his ribs because, I imagine, they're starting to hurt, with the raucous laughing and whatnot.

"No...mo..more?" He almost falls off my bed after 'more'.

I cross my arms over my chest and bite down on my bottom lip, "It's...It's just a rough draft. I wasn't finished."

"Take some to my lair...wrap your arms in elastic...OH GOD..." He's laughing so hard he's crying. WHY is this SO familiar. HUH? WHY? "...dress you in..PLASTIC."

"Can you please stop?" I ask, "It's annoying."

His laughing starts to slowly die down and he says, "Whoever you're writing this to...it...it sounds like you want to rape them." He's still chuckling a bit, though.

I gasp, outraged. "I DO NOT WANT TO RAPE ELLE! I LOVE HER MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD! I'D DIE FOR HER! THE LAST THING I'D WANT TO DO IS...RAPE HER!" I shout at him.

"Elle, eh?" He grins and sits up on his elbows, his dark hair sexily-...HORRIBLY..falling into his eyes, "Is that your girlfriend?"

"WHAT?" I ask, taken aback. "N-no. She's not."

"Then who is she?" He quirks an eyebrow at me, suspiciously.

"My Goddess." I sigh, happily and take the letter from where it was, next to him on the bed, folding it neatly and tucking it into my pocket.

"Well, she must be a pretty good fuck if you're writing shitty love poems to her." He says and starts chuckling again.

"I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO HER!" I shout and crease my forehead, angrily, at him. "SHE IS PERFECT AND VIRGINAL! VIRGINAL AND PERFECT! SHE'S A GODDESS!"

"What the fuck? You're writing shitty love poems to her and you've NEVER fucked her? Have you ATLEAST kissed her?" He asks and he looks genuinely confused.

"No, I haven't kissed her!" I shout at him and then ask, "Do you think you have to have sex with someone to fall in love with them!?"

"Well..." He thinks about it for a moment and then says, "...of course."

"How can you love someone you've never fucked?" He laughs, "That's stupid."

"What the...then WHY do you date someone?" I ask him.

"Because you want to fuck them." He says simply and raises one dark eyebrow at me like I'm asking a silly question.

"WHAT? NO! Because you're already in love with them or you THINK you might fall in love with them!" He looks at me for a second and then bursts out laughing.

He pats my head and ruffles my light dirty blonde hair, making it messily and annoyingly fall into my face, before he stands up, "That's funny, kid. Remember to get ready because we're going somewhere."

"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" I shout and slap his hands away, "ONLY A BARBARIAN WOULD THINK YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE TO LOVE THEM!"

"'Kay." He says with an amused smile, "You keep thinking that."

"I WILL! NOW, LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU!" I shout and throw my alarm clock at him, yanking it out of its socket and everything.

He ducks by sliding out the door just in time. My alarm clock hits the exact spot where his head would be on my door and shatters into a million pieces.

ARGH.

I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!

I HATE YOU!

I HATE YOU!

... I HATE YOU!

xXx

I HATE THIS PLACE!

"Do you want a lollipop, sugarcup?" Julian asks me cheerily and waves a brightly colored, little tiny...thing...orange wrapper thing..with a stick thing...IT'S A LOLLIPOP. A LOLLIPOP! HE WAVES A LOLLIPOP IN MY FLIPPIN' FACE, OKAY?

SO, STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!

JUST STOP.

"NO, I DON'T WANT A LOLLIPOP!" I shout and slap his hand away, knocking the lollipop out of his hand and it lands a few feet away from us.

"Okay, jeez. Relax." He says and laughs, running over to where the lollipop fell.

AND I HATE LOLLIPOPS TOO.

I run over to where Dad and Candy are, ignoring Julian, who's following me and licking his LOLLIPOP..SU-..SU...I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT!

SUGGESTIVELY!

Oh my God.

I KNOW!

THAT'S WHAT I SAID!

"I love this one, don't you, Candy?" Dad asks the cave troll and she nods.

"DAD!" I shout at him but I'm interrupted by the inhuman serpentess.

"Yeah, but this one's better." She says and points at another set.

"DAD!" I shout at him again and try tugging on his black sweater, but he IGNORES ME. OHMYGOD! I gasp and step back a bit, horrified.

Utterly and completely HORRIFIED.

I bump into some watches.

FUGSGDUDGHUH!!!! DAMN YOU WATCHES.

OHMYGOD.

I KEEP SAYING DAMN!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

"I think you need a lollipop." Julian says and winks at me, licking at his ugly..orange..sexy..lollipop..NO! NO! NOT SEXY. VERY HIDEOUS. LIKE...LIKE...I DON'T KNOW. I CAN'T THINK. MY BRAIN DOESN'T WORK.

Okay, alright.

Step 1: Just...walk back to them.

Step 2: Ignore Julian.

Step 3: Help him with his lollipo--...NO. NO! STOP THINKING.

"DAD!" I try again, "CAN WE PLEASE LEAVE!?"

"I really like the gold sets." Candy says with a small, girlish, annoying, hideous giggle.

"Yeah, but the engagement ring I got you is silver, so it won't match."

"Oh, right..."

"DAD! STOP IGNORING ME! ANSWER ME!"

"I like the princess cut on this one, too..." Candy again.

"Aww, my princess likes the princess cut. How adorable." Dad says and...and...and...HE NIPS! AT HER EAR!

AND SHE GIGGLES.

LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL!

DSUGUDHXUHIAHJHZGUGHUG!!!

"DAD! STOP THAT!" I shout at him, "AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME! TO MEEEE!" The jewelry store saleswoman gives me strange looks and keeps polishing something that looks like a collar.

I bet Julian likes collars...

WHAT...
OH MYGOD!

WHO CARES?

WHO CARES WHAT JULIAN LIKES!

"See, this wouldn't happen if you had a lollipop." Julian says with another wink and another lick to that STUPID ORANGE SUGAR-STUFFED DEMON THING!

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I shout and push past him, running to where Candy and Dad are now.

I bump into some more watches.

GUESDUGDUDUASHUSUHA!!! WATCHES.

One of these days, watches.

ONE OF THESE DAYS!

"Oh, Brian!" Candy exclaims, "This one is to DIE for!" I HOPE YOU DO DIE FOR IT, YOU CAVE TROLL TROLLOP!

"Which one?" Dad asks and Candy points to the silver set with the diamonds in a tick-tack-toe design.

"Yeah, it's lovely." He says.

"DAD, PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" I try again.

He sighs and turns around, pushing his glasses back with his index finger, when he's facing me he says, "Yes, Peyton?"

FINALLY.

"CAN WE PLEASEEEE LEAVE!? I HATE JEWLERY STORES! AND I HATE JULIAN! AND I HATE LOLLIPOPS! AND I HATE WATCHES! AND I HATE CANDY! AND COME TO THINK OF IT, I ALSO HATE TICK-TACK-TOE! AND I ALSO HATE HAPPINESS! AND WEDDINGS! AND THE COLOR ORANGE AND..."

"No." He says and turns back around, showing Candy another set.

"BUT...BUT...!"

"NO. And that's FINAL, Peyton."

"UNFAIR!" I whine.

"Too bad." He says, his black sweater-clad back still facing me.

"WELL...WELL...THEN I'M LEAVING!"

"Okay." He says, "I love this one too.." He ignores me.

OH MY GOD!

WELL, FINE!

FINE.

I stomp over to the entrance and bump into some watches.

FUGSUSHUAHUHAAIIAHHAGAGAGAGAGAG!!!

WATCHES.

xXx

The moment I pass through the revolving doors of the jewelry store, the cold air slices through my thin, gray t-shirt, shoots through my skin and grabs a hold of my ribcage and shakes it, demanding skittles and kneepads. Or something like that.

Skittles and kneepads? What the hell?

That doesn't make any sense.

My teeth clack together and I grab my purple jacket and wrap it tightly around me. The zipper's broken. Goddangit. Maybe I should have stayed inside.

I press my face against a cold, scratchy lamppost and stare through the glass at the fancy-looking, gold-lit jewelry store; at Dad and the cave troll surrounded by watches and rings and...and...and...basking in all of their warmth and goddddd. I am SO cold.

Soooo coooold.

Sooooo cooooldd--...

"Boo."

"AHHH!" I shout and jump away from Julian. Argh. The back of my neck still tingles where his lips just were.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" I ask while panting and pointing an accusational finger at his smirking face.

He shrugs and says, "You looked bored."

"WELL...I'M NOT! So, you can leave."

"No, thanks." He says.

GUFGUHIJIASIGUSUJIJMA!!

"Alright, let me try something else... PLEASE leave."

"No, thanks." He says again and smirks, running a nonchalant hand through his silky, oh so silky and it looks so soft and ohmygod, black hair and casually leans against MY lamppost.

"FINE." I say, "Stay here, see if I care."

"'Kay." He says. Again. With the smirk.

OHMYGOD.

HE'S LIKE SUPERMAN!

IT DOESN'T WORK.

IT DOESN'T FLIPPIN' WORK!

"Are you cold?" He asks, concernedly.

"NO! I AM NOT!" I shout and cross my arms over my chest and look the other way.

"Do you want my jacket?" He asks, ignoring what I just said.

"NO, I DON'T!"

He chuckles and then asks, "Then what do you want?"

"I want..." Well, I want a lot of things. I want a heater, I want Elle to love me...I want...well, I don't know. OH! "...I want YOU and that...that...CAVE TROLL TO DROP OFF THE FACE OFF THE EARTH!"

He laughs at me, almost dropping to his knees while clutching his quivering stomach.

"WHAT IS SO FUNNY!?" I shout-ask.

"You." He says in between laughs, looking up at me from that curtain of his...his...gorgeous...chin-length...ebony-colored...silky...ohmygodiaminloveiwithhishair. AM I GAY OR SOMETHING?

NO!

I JUST LIKE HAIR!

It is totally okay to like another man's hair, right? RIGHT?

THAT'S NOT GAY OR ANYTHING, RIGHT?

Yeah, I'm sure it's not.

There's straight male hairdressers, right?

Yeah. Totally.

Even though, they may be a little sexually ambiguous...they still have a wife and kids and...yeah. Yeah. You can't have a wife and kids and be gay. It just like...defeats the laws of physics and stuff. Yeah, totally.

Totally.

"AND WHY AM I SO FUNNY!?" I shout-ask what I remembered that I was just going to shout-ask...yeah...totally.

He laughs at me, AGAIN, and says, "Because you'll never learn that shouting doesn't get you what you want."

"IT TOTALLY GETS ME WHAT I WANT!"

"Yeah, what?" He asks, raising a quizzical eyebrow at me. I like the word quizzical. And quizzotical. Even though I don't think that's a real word but it totally should be.

Quizzotical.

"IT GOT ME A TOASTER OVEN!"

"When?" He laughs.

"WHEN I WANTED ONE! I WAS LIKE...DAD! GET ME A TOASTER OVEN! AND HE WAS LIKE...OKAY! AND THEN I GOT A TOASTER OVEN!"

"Did it ever work again?" He asks, raising another quizzical eyebrow at me.

"WELL...WELL...NO, NOT REALLY. BUT I'M SURE IT'LL WORK EVENTUALLY."

"'Kay." He says with a quirky smile.

I also like the word quirky. But not as much as quizzotical. I think I just like q words. Quintessence. Quantum physics. Quigley. Is that a word? I think it is. If it isn’t, it really should be.

"Anyways, what I was going to say is that: why are you so against Candy and Bri marrying? Your Dad's happy, let him be happy." He says like he actually matters in this and like I actually care what he thinks.

'CAUSE I TOTALLY DON'T!

Care, you know.

I don't.

"DAD IS NOT HAPPY! HE'S CONFUSED! VERY CONFUSED! HE THINKS HE'S HAPPY BUT HE'S TOTALLY NOT!" A random lady gives me an odd look. I give her one back because she looks like she's wearing a light blue trash bag. Cave troll.

Julian starts laughing so hard that he actually does fall to his knees, which is totally not funny. AND IT'S NOT QUIZZOTICAL EITHER!

NO, IT'S NOT!

"You're cute, Peyton." He says while wiping a laughter-induced tear from his eye, his chuckles slowly dying down.

"NO, I AM NOT!"

I AM NOT CUTE!

I AM THE ABSENCE OF CUTE!

I'M LIKE... LIKE...THE DR. OCTOPUS OF CUTE!

I AM A QUIZZOTICAL DRAGON!

HEAR ME ROOOOAAAARRRRR!

"Yes, you are." He says with another quirky smile.

"NO, I AM NOT!"

"'Kay, you're not."

"YES, I AM!" OH, FUDGE MUNCHKINS!

"I win." He says all victoriously and, AGAIN, with that dang cheeky/quirky smile.

"A kiss for the winner." He says and tries to lean in to kiss me.

I push him away and shout, "NO, YOU MOLESTING PERVERT! I'M NOT GAY!"

And then I accidentally run into the lamppost.

Which is totally not quizzotical.

xXx

"Aww, Peyton, hunny, you really shouldn't be running into lampposts." Candy coos and presses the icepack slightly harder onto my swollen face.

"DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT!?" I shout at her and grab the icepack from her hand, "AND DON'T TOUCH ME!"

She giggles and I scoot away from her, to the other side of the restaurant’s burgundy leather-covered booth. Dad decided that we should get lunch in this ugly Chinese restaurant place thingy. Everyone knows my stir-fry is better than any flippin' restaurant. But I digress and move on.

Oh, woe is me.

I rest my head on my hand, propped up by my elbow on the booth's table, with the icepack still on my cheek. I glance a bit at what Candy's doing, she's doing nothing. Which isn't surprising, she's just picking the lint off her pink coat, with the pink looking-frilly 'boa' around the collar, with long red nails. I ignore her and just stare at the dark Chinese restaurant with the orange-glow from the lanterns. Dad and Julian are somewhere in the front of the restaurant waiting for our orders.

"So, Peyton..." Candy starts.

"WHAT?" I snap.

"Err...how is school?" She asks.

"Fine." I mumble into my hand and clench my fist around the icepack, slightly bothered by the ice-cold burn, "Leave me alone."

"'Kay..." She says softly and her voice trails off.

It's silent for a few moments, just the sound of people walking and quietly talking in the restaurant and then the cave troll has to open her big, fat mouth...

"So...what's your favorite subject?" She asks and drums her long red nails on the booth's dark red wood table.

"Free period." I mumble into my palm. She giggles.

"That was mine too." She giggles again.

"I don't care." I say, "I don't want to talk to you."

"Oh..." Her voice trails off and then it slightly breaks when she says, "...oh, okay.." She finally turns silent and Dad and Julian return, while carrying two trays of food.

"God, what took you guys so long?" I ask when they both rest the trays on the table and slide into the booth; Julian on Candy's side and Dad on mine.

"Long line." Julian mumbles and rolls up the cuffs of his black jacket with crisscross silver buttons.

"Is your face feeling better, Peyton?" Dad asks and starts pouring little pink packets of sugar into his tea, a couple of the sugar grams fall on the sleeve of his black sweater and he hurriedly rubs it off onto the table with his free hand and then says, "We can get you another icepack from the restaurant if you need it."

"No, I'm fine." I say and take a bite out of my vegetable egg roll, while casting a random glance at the melting icepack on the table, "It feels a lot better, thanks." Dad nods.

OHMYGOD!

WHAT THE HELL?

Dad reaches h-.. his...his...his hand across the table and places it on that...that..Devil's spawn, trollop, Chucky's bride woman's HAND! And..and...ohmygod...ohmygod...OH MY GOD!

He's...he's...stroking HER HAND with his PINKY FINGER WHILE SHE EATS!

WHILE SHE EATS NASTY LOOKING, SUGGESTIVE EGG DROP SOUP!

OHMYFLIPPIN'GOD.

Look away...look awaaaaayyyyy...advert the eyes...UH..GOD!

CAN'T. SYSTEM FAILURE.

DISGUST OVERLOAD. ABORT MISSION.

Candy's cell rings.

THANK FLIPPIN' GOD.

She stops being the hand strok-ee thing with Dad and reaches into her black pant's pocket. She flips open the silver and black mobile phone with her long red nails and glances at it before saying...

"It's my manager. I'll take it outside. Sorry, guys." She says and then answers the phone, attempting to slide out of the booth and Julian, of course, gets up to let her pass through.

"I'll get some more sweet and sour sauce while she's gone." Dad says and slides out of the booth, buttoning his sweater's top button while walking away to the front of the restaurant.

Once he's gone, I sit there quietly eating my chicken fried rice with Julian. He's not touching his wonton soup or his beef and broccoli. He's just sitting there...watching me...with that ugly, sexy, hideous smirk on his face.

"Can you please stop that?" I ask, looking up at him and glaring from behind my black-rimmed glasses.

"Stop what, smoochums?" He 'asks' all cockily and innocent-like and totally, completely, and utterly Julian.

"Don't play dumb!" I shout at him, "Stop staring at me and eat something!"

"Is that an order, Master?" He grins, all deviously and whatever.

"ARGH. JUST EAT!"

"Yes, Master, I'll be a good boy from now on." He says in a fake, boyish voice with a fake, mocking pout and then he sips a spoonful of his wonton soup, raising an eyebrow at me expectantly. Basically saying: 'Look! I ate! Yay.' or something. I don't know. Not too good at reading people. No bad experiences, just don't like it.

"Thank you!" I exclaim, relieved, with a following sigh.

"Now, was that so hard?" I ask rhetorically. He shrugs and starts eating his beef and broccoli.

"You know you really should just eat one dish and then th-..." I start but then my voice catches in my throat when I see her.

OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD!

OH MY GOD.

WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE!?

"What?" Julian asks in regards to my sudden pause, "What is it?" He starts looking around to see what I'm staring at, and then he spots it...or her, rather. Whatever. OhmyGod.

Elle and her Mother are eating LUNCH! HERE.

Ah, my Goddess. How immaculate you look today.

How beautiful you look today, and always, in jeans and a blue turtleneck, your mane of luscious brown locks floating angelically down your back.

How wicked you are, my Goddess! Outshining your Mother who is in a rather distasteful red and black plaid suit. How gor-...

"Who are those people?" Julian asks.

"NO ONE." I shout. My Goddess hasn't spotted me. Sigh. Such a cruel, cruel world.

She is busy happily chatting, a few tables away, to her Mom who I thank profusely for bringing such a heavenly, virginal creature of God into this world.

"Hey, wait..." Julian starts and then says, "That's a girl, so...that must be...that must be the cocktease you're writing shitty love poems too."

"SHE IS NOT." I snap. I don't want this barbarian knowing who she is.

Ever.

OH, AND MY POEMS ARE NOT THE S WORD!

Dang.

Should have said that out loud.

"Really?" He asks cockily and raises a suggestive eyebrow, "Then you won't mind if I talk to her, right?"

I gasp and point a finger at him, "You wouldn't!"

"Oh, I definitely would." He says and then breaks out into a fit of chuckles, throwing his head back and everything.

But then he stops and says, "Unless you can persuade me..." Again with irritating suggestive eyebrow.

"PERSUADE YOU!?" I shout-ask, flabbergasted.

"Yes." He says simply, now sounding mildly bored by my reaction.

"Well...well...how?" I ask, leaning down and forwards to whisper, as if it's a secret. 'Cause it could be, y'know, a secret, I mean. Yeah...

He chuckles and then says, "By playing Operation with me in the little boy's room."

"OPERATION!? I don't like Operation!" Wait...operation...alone...in the restroom... "OHMYGOD! THAT WAS A SEXUAL JOKE/INNUENDO!"

"No shit." He scoffs.

"THEN, NO! YOU PERVERT! MOLESTING PERVERTED BARBARIAN!"

"I SHOULD SUE YOU FOR WAR CRIMES!" I shout. Some lady behind our booth gives us (me) a strange look.

"War crimes?" He asks, his forehead furrowed.

"I MEAN SEX CRIMES!" He laughs at me.

I AM NOT LAUGHTER.

I MEAN JOKING.

I MEAN, I'M NOT FUNNY!

WHAT THE HELL DO I MEAN?

I, honestly, don't know.

"Well, whadyya know?" NOTHING. "Your cocktease's Mother just got up and went towards the direction of the little girl's room." Julian says and grins, attempting to slide out of the booth.

"NO, STOP!" I shout at him, "PLEASE DON'T!"

"Sorry." He says teasingly, "You won't play Operation with me so I'll just have to see if your cocktease will." He grins and walks towards Elle's booth.

"JULIAN!" I call out to him but he ignores me.

ARGH.

OhmyGodddddd.

WHAT IF HE RAPES HER!?

Wait, no, there's too many people around to rape someone and get away with it.

WHAT IF HE BOTHERS HER!?

OH MY GOD.

THAT'S WORSE THAN RAPE!

Okay, relax, Peyton. It's okay. What's the harm? So, he talks to her. There's worse things in the world...

OHMYGODDDDD. LIKE WHAT!?

Like kissing Julian.

Oh, that's true.

But the kiss was nice.

I mean for a totally forced, gay kiss.

Are totally forced, gay kisses suppose to be nice?

No, I didn't think so.

OHMYGOD.

THEY'RE TALKING!

WHAT THE HELL!?

SHE'S GIGGLING!

HE'S TOUCHING HER FACE!

OHMYFLIPPIN'GOD!

HE'S TOUCHING HER SHOULDER!

THEY'RE LAUGHING!

OIWDHSIHIDHIDHD!!!!

HE SHAKES HER...HER...HER...HAND!

OHMYGOD.

I BET HER SKIN IS SOFT!

BUT...STILL...OHMYGOD!

HE'S RAPING HER!

MIND RAPE.

HE'S FILLING HER MIND WITH LUCKY CHARMS AND DEVIL'S MAGIC!

Yes...yes...that's it. That's what it is.

OHMYGOD! SHE'S BITING HER LIP AND COVERING HER FACE TO MUFFLE HER GIGGLES!

OHMYGOD.

HE'S TOUCHING HER...HER...HER...HAIR!

OHMYGOD.

SHE IS RUNNING HER FINGERS THROUGH HIS INCREDIBLY SILKY EBONY-COLORED RIDICULOUSLY HOT HAIR!

OHMYGOD.

OH MY GOD!

They stop talking and he walks back over to our booth with a funny-looking smirk that screams: VICTORY. Or something.

"OH MY GOD!" I shout at him when he standing next to the table, "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER?"

"Nothing." He shrugs with a content, satisfied smirk, "Just said I was your friend and whatnot. Did a magic trick, complimented her on her hair."

"WHAT THE-... A MAGIC TRICK?"

"Yes." He says and grins while sliding into the booth, "All girls like shitty magic tricks." He laughs.

"THEY DO!?" I shout-ask.

But seriously!

NO ONE TOLD ME THIS!

"Yeah." He shrugs, "It's the whole Gandalf-Lord Of The Rings infatuation thing."

"GANDALF? GIRLS LIKE GANDALF?"

"Yeah." He laughs, "The creepy ones do."

"WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME TH-..."

OHMYGOD.

WHAT THE HELL?

Candy and Dad return to the table with their...their...clothes looking MUSSED!

MUSSED.

Oh Godddddd.

Why ME?

xXx

Sunday:

"Juliannn." I whine, "Where did you learn the magic trick?" I ask, following him into the living room where he grabs another box and lugs it over to my room, which is where he and the cave troll are storing their stuff.

"I don't remember, Peyton." He sighs and drops a box in my closet, on top of another box.

"But how could you forget where you learned it!?"

"I really don't remember. I think it might have been from some shitty magic book I read when I was like 12." He says and walks back down the hall towards the living room, his black sweats making scuffling noises as he walks.

"Do you at least remember the name?" I ask and he picks up another large brown box. He grunts as he lifts it up.

"Nope." He says simply and goes back to my room carrying the box. I watch the back of his silky, black-haired head retreat down into the darkness of the hall and I sigh. I beat the back of my head against the wall and nervously pull down on my gray long-sleeved shirt.

Arrrrgh.

I have GOT to think of new ways to make Elle fall in love with me. And since she liked Julian's magic trick so much, why not learn a magic trick or two?

Julian passes me in the hallway and for a second, our shirt-covered shoulders brush against each other. My face turns hot all of a sudden and I'm sure, if someone could see me right now, my face is probably bright red. I bite down on my lip and run into Dad's bathroom, slamming the door and locking it shut.

Oh my GOD.

What is wrong with me?

I lean my back against the sink, placing my hands onto it and I throw my head back, catching the sight of my upside down head in the mirror. My upside down head encased in ugly light dirty blonde hair and my ugly too-pale face and large blue eyes behind ugly emo black-rimmed glasses.

What is wroooong with ME? Godddd.

Why the flippin' hell am I flipping out after brushing against a GUY'S SHOULDER?

A GUY.

MAN.

AND JULIAN!

AND I'M NOT GAY!

Obviously not.

I mean...I'm completely in love with Elle.

Not Julian. The barbaric sea monster.

"Hey, Peyton?" Julian calls out to me from outside, "Can you help me with this box?" He asks and I quickly turn around and turn the faucet on, to pretend I'm doing something.

"Yeah, I'm coming." I answer over the loud sound of the faucet and quickly turn it off.

Oh my GOD.

I have to suppress a small gasp when I open the door.

Julian is leaning against the hallway's wall with his...his..shirt...o-..off. His tan, chiseled chest exposed and...ohmygod...he has a tattoo!

His tattoo, a rather large one actually, is of a long black snake. I can't see where it starts but it emerges from the waistband of his black sweats, on the left side. Its length twists around his torso and even...e-even..around one of his nipples, the snake's head reaches up and its forked tongue appears to attempt to lick Julian's collarbone.

Tiny beads of sweat roll down his stomach and his chest rises and falls quickly, which makes the snake seem as if it’s moving.

Oh my God.

I blush again and my stomach feels funny, like a nest of butterflies are emerging from their cocoon in it.

"Hey..." He says weakly and cocks his head over to me, giving me a small smile, "...Just help me carry this box to your room, it's too heavy for me alone."

"O-..okay." I say and walk over to him, bending down to the large box by his feet.

"On three we lift." He says when he's secured his hold on the box.

"One...two..three..." He counts and then we lift, he grunts softly when we pick it up. He walks backwards into my room and into my closet and grunts again when we drop the box onto the others.

"Thanks." He mumbles and rubs his hands together for an unknown reason.

"Y-you're welcome." I stutter and he gives me another small smile but then there's a loud knock at the front door.

Goddangit. We were just having a tender moment.

Julian quickly leaves the room with his shirt still off, his sexy tan back facing me as he exits my room. I quickly follow him.

"Oh, Jules!" Candy exclaims when he opens the door, she kisses both of his cheeks and throws her frilly pink jacket-clad arms around him, "We just came back from the house. Matty helped us with the last of the stuff." She says.

"Matt? Is he here?" Julian asks about a person I've never heard of.

"Yes, he's helping Brian bring Sophie up." She says and Julian nods.

Sophie? Who's Sophie?

"Now, if you’ll excuse me, I'll be in the little girl's room." She says while pulling off her jacket, "Hey Peyton."

I don't answer and just sneer at her ugly blonde head. She giggles and retreats down the hall.

"Hey, Julian..." Dad says when he walks in carrying a small fishbowl, "Here's Sophie." He says and hands Julian the bowl full of water with the small goldfish inside.

"Thanks." He says to Dad and takes the bowl.

"Oh, my gorgeous baby." Julian coos to the goldfish and I wrinkle my nose, "My beautiful wittle baby girl, how I missed you." He kisses the goldfish bowl and places it on the kitchen counter, petting it before he lets go.

"Kissing that is unsanitary." I say.

"So is kissing you." He says and winks at me. I even HEAR Dad suppress a small chuckle.

I gasp and say, "DID YOU HEAR THAT!?"

"Hear what, Peyton?" Dad asks with a small cough.

"What he just SAID!" I shout.

"Oh, no, sorry." He says, "Oh, is that Candy calling me? Gotta go." He says and escapes.

ARGH.

EVERYONE IS AGAINST ME!

LIKE ELLE.

AND GOD.

AND THE HOLY SPIRIT.

THEY'RE ALL IN ON THIS!

"Hey, Matt." Julian says and walks over to who I imagine is 'Matt'. Julian takes the box that Matt is carrying and beckons him in with a mumbled...

"Come in."

When Julian moves away from the door and sets the box on the floor; I see a man in his early 20s or so with sleep-mussed spiked hair and large, bored black eyes. He's obviously taller than Julian but he seems shorter since he's slouching with his hands in his pockets.

"Oh, Peyton," Julian says, "This is my best friend since like fucking kindergarten or something..." He laughs, "...Mattheus meet Peyton, Bri's son. And Peyton, meet Matt, etc, etc."

"Hi." I say and reach my hand out to shake his, he removes a hand from one of his pockets and gingerly shakes my hand while giving me a lazy smile.

"He doesn't talk." Julian says, "Well, he does but only to me and only in Shakespearian."

"Oh," I say, mildly shocked, "Why?"

"Don't know." Julian shrugs, "That's just how it's always been."

"Oh."

"Matt, do you have it?" Julian asks and Matt snorts sarcastically while pulling a small plastic bag out of his pocket with different colored pills, and he throws it at him, Julian successfully catches it.

"What are those?" I ask in regards to the pills.

"Different pills: Prozac, Valium, Vicodan, Cold Tylenol, etc." He says and opens the bag, popping two random pills into his mouth and swallowing.

"Why would you need all those pills?" I ask, raising a confused eyebrow, and then Matt and Julian break out into a chuckling fit.

"What? What did I say that was so funny?" I ask, honestly, and they grip their abdomens to support themselves while laughing, hard.

"Really? What did I sa-..." I start but then Dad calls...

"Peyton? Can you come here? I need to talk to you." He says from down the hall.

"Okay." I say and leave the giggling boys alone in the living room/adjoining kitchen, even though I'm slightly disgruntled and perturbed by their not telling me what I said that was so funny.

"Yeah, Dad?" I say and follow him from the hall to my room. He closes the door behind me.

He stands there for a few moments looking slightly awkward and nervous, his hands shoved into his light brown corduroy pants. Dad takes his hands out of his pockets and tugs down on his dark brown sweater.

"Peyton, I was wondering if you could..." He pauses with a slightly nervous cough and fiddles with his black-rimmed glasses.

Hey, you know what?

I just thought of something...

"I-I...was wondering if you could at least try to..." He continues.

Dad works in a bookstore so he could get me a magic trick book! And then I could get it and make Elle fall in love with me and would live in a big castle with penguins as servants and we would live happily ever after. Amen. Or something.

"I was wondering if you could try to be nice to Candy." Oh, eww. "Because I really love her. I haven't been this happy for a long time, not since your Mother was alive."

WHAT!?

DON'T I MAKE YOU HAPPY?!

ARRRGH.

I don’t say anything and he gives me this sad, defeated look and I sigh, giving in.

"Okay, fine. I'll try but only if you do something for me." I say.

His face lights up and he asks excitedly, "What? What is it?"

"I want you guys to pleeeasee minimize the public affections-..."

"But we..." Dad starts.

I glare at him and then continue, "...and I want you to buy me three magic trick books and bring them home tomorrow." I order.

He wrinkles his forehead, "Magic books? Since when are you interested in learning magic tricks?"

I shrug, "Since yesterday."

"Okay." He says with a small shrug as well, "..If that's all you want."

"Yeah, it is."

"Alright, goodnight." He says.

"Night." I say when he's almost out the door, his dark brown sweater-clad back facing me.

But he turns back around and says, "Oh, and don't forget that Julian's starting at your school tomorrow. Night." He says and closes the door behind him.

...Julian's...he's...he's...no...

..Not...

OH MY GOD!

SOMEONE, PLEASE, KILL ME NOW!

xXx

Monday:

Oh my God.

I am in Hell.

Seriously.

Just...oh my God.

I have FOUR flippin' classes with Julian. FOUR!

Not one, not two, not three, FOUR!

And WHY is everyone acting all insane over Julian? There is nothing amazing about him. All sexy snake tattoo, hair, and soft lips aside.

NOTHING!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT? I mentally shout at a random girl ogling Julian, who is following me to my locker for some unknown, unimportant reason.

"Peyton." Julian whispers into my ear and I instinctly shiver when his breath hits my lobe.

"Y-yes?" I stutter, pausing slightly for a second and then I continue walking over to my locker.

"I'm going to my locker, okay? I'll meet you back here." He says.

"K-kay." I say and, shakily open my locker.

Okay.

Alright.

Good.

I can give Elle her letter of love right now while the un-amazing barbarian is...away.

Yes.

Perfect.

When I'm at Elle's locker, my hand with the pink heart-shaped letter is in the air, almost slipping it into her locker when...

"Hi!" Elle chirps behind me.

HUSUIAIIIIAHGUGDUGUDGSI.

Fffu--...

I quickly spin around and I am graced with the sight of Elle's lovely, smiling face.

"Uh...h-hi..." I stutter, not sure what to say. GODDANGIT!

SHE CAUGHT ME WITH THE FLIPPIN' LETTER!

WHAT THE HELL DO I SAY?

Oh, I got it. Never mind.

"Er...I caught the guy that's leaving you these..." I say hurriedly, in regards to the love notes and then I hand it over to her.

"Really!?" She asks, slightly surprised, and takes the letter from my out-stretched hand.

"Thank you so much!" She exclaims happily.

OH MY GOD.

SHE'S THANKING ME!

Suppress heartattack...suppress...h-..heart...ohmygod...

"Y-you're welcome." I stutter for the millionth time today.

"Hey, did you happen to see what he looked like?" She asks and looks up at me from the pink heart-shaped love not, her dark black eyes staring at me intently, yet still kindly.

"Er...n-no...not really...he kinda ran...sort of..." I lie.

Dang.

What was I suppose to tell her?

"Oh...that sucks." She says with a small pout and then Julian appears behind her. My blood boils.

"Boo." He whispers into her ear.

WHAT THE HELL?

GET AWAY FROM MY GODDESS!

She doesn't jump and just turns around, her smile broadening at Julian. FUGSDUGU.

"Hey!" She exclaims, "I thought that was you in Trig! I didn't know you go here!"

"Yeah, just started, actually." He says.

"Really!? Wow, that's great."

"Elle, have you seen Andrew today?" I ask her, preventing them from talking to each other anymore. Because they should never. Talk, y'know.

Ever.

She turns her attention back to me and says, "Mmm...no. I think he left early for some reason." She shrugs.

"Oh." I say.

"'Kay, Peyton, we have to go." Julian interrupts our beautiful moment, but I ignore it and say...

"Yeah, okay. It was nice seeing you, Elle." WITHOUT STUTTERING!

1,000 FOR ME

-0 FOR JULIAN

"Nice seeing you, too!" She said with a warm smile and waves.

"Same." Julian says as we walk off.

ARGH!

I REFUSE TO LET THEM EVER BECOME FRIENDS!

I REFUSE!

xXx

Elle

I wave at Julian and what’s-his-name as they walk off, still smiling to myself as I throw away the stupid love letter and get my required books out of my locker.

"Hey, Elle."

OHMYGOD.

OH MY GOD.

OH MY FUCKING GOD!

Christie and Courtney are talking to ME!

I quickly spin around on my heel and I am graced with the sight of the two most popular girls in Glenndale High.

"H-hi..." I stutter and Courtney giggle-snorts as usual, while flipping her perfect sandy blonde hair over her shoulder. Ahh. If only I could be as perfect as that.

"Was that the new guy you were just talking to?" Christie asks in her nasal voice after she casts a small, annoyed glare at Courtney.

"Oh, Julian?" I ask, while blinking a bit and furrowing my brow, slightly confused.

Why would they ask me about Julian?

Or talk to me at all?

Since, the last time I talked to them, I tripped and my coke spilled all over Courtney's cheerleading outfit, staining it, and then Courtney claimed Jihad on me and my family or something similar.

"Yeah, the sex muffin." Courtney says.

"Do you know him?" Christie asks.

"Uh, well, yeah-..."

"Are you dating him?" Courtney asks.

What the fuck?

Of course, I'm not dating him!

I met him like...on Saturday. Or something.

Although, that magic trick was really stupid and funny.

And his hair is unbelievably soft and...and...and...

But, wait, if I say I am, then...

"Well, yeah, we've gone on a couple dates, sure." I say and try to shrug nonchalantly. But I can never do anything nonchalantly. I am the most un-nonchalant person that ever walked the Earth of nonchalance. Yeah. Totally.

Courtney giggles and then Christie asks, "Good. I hope you bring him to my birthday party on Friday, then." She winks.

What? Her party?

But I'm not invit-...

Oh.

I get it.

Jeez.

It's so fucking obvious.

Since, I'm 'dating' Julian, I'm invited.

If I wasn't 'dating' him, I wouldn't be invited.

Fucking hell.

What do I say?

Julian probably has a girlfriend or five. I doubt he'd want to pretend we're dating or, god forbid, ACTUALLY date me.

But if I bring him then I'm 10 notches higher to FINALLY becoming popular.

And, I mean, I've always wanted to be popular. I know that sounds really, really shallow but I've always been the 'cute' girl that looked popular but was always too awkward, clumsy, and made the really stupid, unfunny jokes at the wrong time to ever be popular.

Fuck.

If I say yes and then Julian doesn't want to pretend, I'll look like a fucking fool.

Well, I could always say we broke up but then that would be lame.

Oh, fuck it.

"Sure, I'll bring him." I say and flash a small smile at them.

"Great!" Courtney chirps, "See you there!" She skips off, her sandy blonde hair bouncing as she skips away.

"Good. Oh, and Elle?" Christie says.

"Yeah?" I ask.

"You better bring a fucking present." Christie says icily and then glares.

"O-oh...okay..." I stutter and then she bursts out laughing and slaps me on the back, I almost fall over.

"Just kidding. See ya." She says and waves over her shoulder, her cheerleading outfit-clad back facing me as she walks off.

"Y-yeah...see you..." I say when her honey blonde hair is nothing but a blur in the mass of people.

Fuck.

Now I gotta get their number.

Well, I'm sure Andrew has it.

xXx

“Andyyy!” I call to him in a sing-song voice while lightly knocking on his door and entering into his messy room.

“Get out.” He says, his eyes never leaving his computer.

“Aww, but, pumpkin, it’s your dear, sweet, loving sister!”

“I don’t have one.” He says and I attempt to step around the clothes on the floor, but it’s impossible so I just step on some to get to his bed.

“Of course you do!” I say, “You came out of Mom’s vagina just as I did, pumpkin. It’s on video.”

“I meant that I don’t have a dear, sweet, loving sister. Not that I don’t have a sister, unfortunately.”

“Aww. My heart…” I grab at my heart and make heartattack noises while falling back onto his un-made bed, “…it…EGAH..ACKUHUHGUHH!!”

“Get the hell out.” He says and keeps typing away on his computer.

“Aww. I’m just playing.” I say and prop my head up with my hand, laying horizontal on his bed and staring at his gray shirt-clad back. “You know I love you long time, baby cakes.”

“K, you can leave now.”

“Okay, okay.” I laugh, “I just need Peyton’s number and then I’ll leave, okay?”

He doesn’t say anything and then he turns around, his leather computer chair making a slight squeaking noise as he does. And then I’m graced with the sight of his messy, dirty blonde hair falling into his face, his hair is really just a shade lighter than my own brown hair but it’s definitely more blonde than mine, it’s more like Mom’s than Dad’s. His expression is slightly shocked and he widens his dark brown eyes and then asks, “Why do you need his number?”

“Well…” I look down at his bed and start playing with the edge of his white sheet, “…if I tell you, you’ll laugh at me.” I look up at him and pout, playfully.

“Alright, you can go, then.” He says and attempts to turn back around.

“Wait!” I say, pausing him in mid-turn, “Fine, I’ll tell you.” I sigh.

He waits and then I bite down on the inside of my cheek, letting go before I say, “Well…you see… Christie’s birthday is on Friday, and…”

“Oh, God.” He groans.

I ignore him and continue, “And, well, if I bring Julian I’m invited...”

”That’s disgusting. Why the fuck you do you care about those stupid bitches?”

“Because those stupid bitches are the most popular bitches in school.”

”So?” He shrugs.

“SO? Some of us want to actually have a life!”

“You have a life.” He says with another shrug.

“Yeah, but it’s not that great. ANYWAYS, are you going to help me or not?”

“Why should I? What do I get out of this?” He asks.

“Besides pizza and a movie paid by your loving sister?” I say and give him a mocking, full-teeth smile.

“Besides that.” He says, rolling his eyes.

“Um…I can get you Christie’s number!” I suggest, knowing the answer.

He narrows his eyes at me and says, “Are you fucking kidding?”

I laugh, “Okay, okay. I’ll get you Courtney’s brother’s number.”

“’Kay. He’s in my phone book under P.” He tilts his head over to his dresser.

“Yay!” I exclaim and grab the black phone book from the dresser, flipping over to the P and writing his number down on my hand with a random pen I found, also on his dresser.

“And, Elle?” He calls when I’m halfway out the door.

“Yeah, pumpkin pie?” I cheerily smile at him.

“I hope you know what you’re doing.” He says and turns back around, facing his computer once again.

“Of course I know what I’m doing!” I say and close the door behind me.

Jeez.

He’s so fucking negative sometimes.

Now! To call Julian!

----------------------------

A/N: Did I get it across well enough that Andrew acts very different around his sister? Yes? No? Maybe so? Yeah, well okay. Anyways, Jesus Christ, this chapter was a bitch to write. All three and a half weeks of me not writing aside, it was hard to write. But I do like it. The ending scenes were a bit choppy, though. But I like this chapter a lot. Anyways, if anyone’s wondering: Peyton, Julian, and Andrew are all 17. Matt’s 18 and Elle’s 16. Kay. Oh, and, someone asked me a long time ago how to pronounce Peyton’s name. It’s Pay-ton or Pay-tuhn some people even say Pay-tnn. It doesn’t really matter. Also… if any of you are fans of TCTTA, my Vincent x Cole one-shot should be up later this week. Sorry, Ms. 600th reviewer, that I took so long.

K.

Anonymous Review Replies:

ele: See, I always get that feeling that my review replies are funnier than the actual chapter. Rofl. But you’re the first to say it, babycakes. And I will mentally send my mind Peyton your rape request. However, I don’t think he’ll like it. But I’ll try. AND, I UPDATED YOUR LIFE! HUZZAH. WORSHIP ME.

Andi: Screw the Ritalin, I think he should be on heavy LSD. Permanently. And I’m all glad that I conveyed the ‘yeah, sure, Peyton’ thing. Because, yeah. What can you do, aside from giving him heavy doses of LSD, than go ‘yeah, sure, Peyton, whatever. Have a slice of pie and shut the hell up’?

Alex: Aww. Thank you so much! And I said above, your one-shot will be up soon. I promisesss. For realzzz.

Maria: Yes. He is like a little time bomb thing. Ready to blow at any moment. …I think that had a hidden innuendo somewhere in there. Rofl. But I’m glad you liked it.

Never-EndingNightmare: Rofl. I don’t know if it’s the kinkiest place ever but it’s definitely insane. You’ll love it if you like incest, constant sex, and massive swearing. Oh, and erotic cakes, naked babies, and pills. It’s quite fun. But once you come, I won’t let you leave. Sorry. You’ll be a permanent member of my mime harem.

- Naked Penguin Fetus Productions