This is taken from one of my first drafts of the John/Di stories (if you haven't read them, that's OK. You can still read this). I changed some things to shorten it and word it better, but I just wanted to share it for the holiday season, and hopefully you enjoy it.

Although, I realize it could use a little more work, which I probably will do later on... don't let that stop ya from reading it now, however. :)

Melancholic Christmas

aka Pain and Passion

The white Christmas tree in the living room shimmered with multicolored lights and bulbs, tinsel and garland, shimmered as though nothing had gone awry, when in fact, their whole world had been tipped upside down. Diana sipped the hot chocolate John had made her, remembering David dressed like Santa Clause- a thin Santa who refused to stuff his coat to make himself appear plump. He would say, “I went on a diet this year, little girl.”

How could they celebrate Christmas without David and Elaine? David was in Heaven. Elaine was staying in Virginia with Aunt Helen, who’d asked John and Diana to join them; but John was too busy to leave the house and the business, and leaving John alone during this depressing holiday was unacceptable. He’d always been there for her… there was no way she’d… leave him. She sniffled, wiping a tear before it landed in her mug.

Yes, at last, the tears had broken free from their locked chambers. John, of course, had heard her crying, had held her, and then had brought her downstairs for the cocoa. He’d disappeared upstairs, and had been gone for over fifteen minutes.

Vaguely, she was aware of her rumbling stomach, and glanced at the refrigerator, which had been stuffed full of casseroles and desserts that concerned friends and neighbors had given them. Baking and cooking wouldn’t be necessary for a while, but she almost wished she needed to do it, because keeping her mind and body busy had always rescued her in the past; rescued her from her phantoms… from the guilt, from the craziness that had become her mind. After tonight, she’d be sure to do all of the things that Elaine had always done. “A wife and mother is everything… a friend, a nurse, a teacher.”

Diane sighed. Elaine was not only gone physically, but also emotionally, having attempted suicide as soon as she’d learned of David’s accident. “Never be surprised at what people will do. Even the best of us are capable of falling.” Elaine was full of wise saying like that… Diana wondered how many of them she remembered and if they were giving her any comfort on this dismal Christmas Eve.

The wind howled. Diana pushed back the heavy, mauve curtain behind the blue couch where she sat, and watched a barren branch bobbing up and down in the icy wind. Death. Cold death. She dropped the curtain, placed the cup on the coffee table and bent forward, sucking in deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth, while her weary heart broke the iciness that had enshrouded it. This was the second time this had happened. She stared at the cup sitting before her, wondering if the caffeine had-

Wearing the powdery-blue pajamas that matched his eyes, John came down the stairs with a neatly wrapped gift in his hands.

She drew in a long breath as she straightened, and John cleared his throat. “I was wrapping your present. You want to open it now, or later?”

Leaning back as she slowly exhaled, Diana motioned for him to retrieve the present she’d bought him from under the tree. “I guess… we might as well go ahead. It’s just the two of us.” When she saw the lowering of his eyes, she knew she was being too flippant about their situation. “I’m sorry, John.”

“It’s OK.” He bent to get his present, then joined her on the couch and gave her the gift he’d wrapped for her. “I meant to wrap this sooner,” he said, “but… I’ve just been too busy.”

“Busy? You’ve been driving yourself crazy, Ken.”

Diana studied her gift for a long moment, amazed at the way he’d carefully wrapped it. As usual, not a crease, not a wrinkle, not a mis-folded seam on the pretty, pink package. Everything John did, he did with great precision and accuracy.

She pulled at the glistening, white bow, and then began opening it in her usual, careful manner, and was stunned that John was doing the same with his package. Perhaps he thought the occasion too solemn to be ripping at the paper as he normally would.

Before completely unwrapping her gift, she watched him pull out the box in which she had wrapped his new watch and the little ‘certificate’ she had made him. He had yet to explain to her how he had managed to “accidentally” smash the face of his old watch with his hammer. She knew John. She knew that, at times, he had a temper, and would take it out on small, inanimate objects. Temper or no, John’s watches usually met the same fate on his job. Usually, the boards would knock them around or the bands would break, causing the watch to fall and get buried in the mud or snow.

He studied the unique watch she’d chosen for him. The ‘band’ was a leather one that he could snap around his belt. The tear-shaped bottom half with the face could then be tucked into his pants pocket. That way, no boards would bash it, and if the band somehow got severed, he wouldn’t lose the watch because it would be in his pocket. He smiled at her. “Good pick, Di.”

“Every Ken needs a good watch. I had to think like you in the store. Examine every angle; compare it to the other watches around me.” She snickered. “Took me an hour. Just sorry I couldn’t find you a Barbie.”

His smile faded. Then he spotted the gold paper with the glittery words, “Gift Certificate: Good for One, New Secretary.”

He frowned and pulled his head back confusedly as he searched her face.

“I’m your new secretary, John. Just like Elaine was for your dad- except, we’re not married.”

John’s eyes narrowed. “Huh?”

Diana sighed. “I’m not going back to Kentucky.”

His eyes widened and reddened at the same time. After a few moments of staring at her like that, drawing a small smile from her, he placed his gifts on the coffee table and turned to her, reached for her hands… and kissed them. She pursed her lips, and when he spoke, the relief in his voice told her that for once, she’d done something right! “Diana… I… thank you… I mean, you can still go to school here. It will be great just having you here! You don’t have to be my secretary…”

“No way, John. I’ve decided that I’m not cut out for college. I’m not staying in Columbus to go to school. I’m staying to help you.”

Still holding her hands, he stared at her as though she had handed him the world. “Are you sure, Di? I mean, you have to think about your… your life.” He blinked, as though unsure of his choice of words.

She slowly withdrew her hands, catching the disappointment in his eyes. “My life is here, not at college, John.”

Diana awaited his reply, analyzing him just as he was analyzing her. She knew he wanted what was best for her, which was what made her want to give the best of herself to him. His broad shoulders were slumped forward as he rested his elbows on his lap and clasped his hands in front of him, his thick, wavy, blonde hair shining in the dim light. She could see him calculating, considering, sorting, maneuvering… analyzing the possibilities, like the strong Melancholy that he was. His eyes revealed the emotions churning inside of him, from desire, to frustration as his mind hit some unseen obstacle, to sadness, then to warmth and admiration again as he turned to her.

“I don’t know what to say, Di…”

She patted his hand, then snatched the certificate. “Good. Certificate redeemed. I’m all yours.” She felt herself blush when he looked intrigued. “I mean- as your helper- your secretary. You know what I mean.”

John sighed heavily. “But…you’re sure, now? I mean, what if you find in the future that you-”

She knew what he was going to say. “John! First of all, you’re a great teacher. You can teach me how to use all that fancy software that you guys use for the business. You can teach me about the finances and what it is you do on the job. With the experience I’ll gain working for you, I’m sure that I would be able to land a good job somewhere else if I ever need to. And, besides, I’m still a writer. Who says I can’t be a world-famous novelist, just because I don’t have a college degree? But I can pick up my studies in the future, if I decide to.”

He looked away from her again and ran a hand through that thick hair of his. Soft, shiny hair that she’d only ran her hands through a few times in her life. “I don’t want the pressure of college any more.”

No more anxiety-filled, sleepless nights, no more guys to harass her… but what about the drinking? She wasn’t sure if she would be able to resist alcohol now, but she would have to try. She was nearly 21 and would be able to buy it herself soon, which wasn’t good, because with her problems she could easily become an alcoholic.

She recalled all the arguments they’d had over her move to Kentucky. The words were on her lips but she couldn’t bring herself to say, “John, you were right. I shouldn’t have gone.”

Perhaps for a normal kid, college was not such a nightmare. But for someone like Diana, it was worse than a nightmare.

“So, was it the academic pressure or the peer pressure that finally got to you, Di?” “Details, details! Look, John, whatever I was enduring means ’nil now, because I’m not going back. You need me, and I’m here.”

At last, John’s serious expression melted into a grin, a grin that was so wonderful to see after these two, painful weeks that she plastered him with a bright smile of her own. That was when the look returned… the one she’d seen numerous times since her prom night… since he first noticed her as a woman and not a little girl.

She cleared her throat. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned, John, it’s that life is precious. I wouldn’t choose a certain path without weighing my choices in the balance… not any more.”

There weren’t many women in the world who would devote themselves to helping a man, instead of diligently seeking their own wants and needs in life. But, could he let Diana do it? Devote herself to helping him? He longed to have her with him, but at the same time feared for her. Thankfully, the house was also in his mother’s name, or they might already have been in danger of losing it.

Although relieved that he wouldn’t have the stress of worrying about Diana in a different state, he’d need to use their time together to prepare her for the worst, so that she could stand on her own in case anything else… in case of any other catastrophes. Like his father had done for him…

Glancing down at the watch and then back her, he felt the tears pricking the backs of his eyes… tears which dissolved as he took in her thick, dark curls which hung in fluffy heaps over her shoulders; took in her smooth, clear complexion and thick, dark eyelashes that framed her golden eyes perfectly; and the white, satin robe which contrasted gorgeously with her hair and tanned skin. She looked like a painting. A beautiful Latina, but beautiful in more ways than one, even if she was hiding something painful from him.

Something that he had been failing to uncover for the past two years; but that was only because she hadn’t been home most of the time. Once he stabilized the business, he could focus more energy on solving the mysteries surrounding her; and doing so would keep his mind off of… his father.. his mother… Channeling all of that hurt and anger toward Greg would help, too. Since God didn’t seem to give a damn what happened to them, then it only made sense for him to take vengeance into his own hands, didn’t it?

If only she would open up and tell the whole truth about that punk, he’d have the evidence needed to throw him in jail… or worse… if he could just find the time and the perfect plan to…

No… You can’t. Diana needs you, and if you get caught and thrown in jail, where will that leave her?

He caressed her cheek as he had done earlier, smoothing away her tears. Behind all of her teasing and laughing was a young woman who had been dealt a number of misfortunes, and he knew that her heart had not yet fully recovered from any of them.

She was holding his gaze. They could practically read each other’s minds. They were admiring each other, longing to offer comfort and support.

“Finish opening your present, Shorty.”

The half-opened box still lay on her lap. Removing her hand from his, she finished her careful unwrapping of the gift. Inside was a plain, cardboard box, the same kind John had wrapped her cell phone and chocolates in the year before. Only this one was bigger.

“You’re all for these two-in-one gifts, aren’t you, Ken?”

He winked. “Open the box!”

She pulled up the top of the box to find some lilac-scented perfume-spray and a pearl necklace with matching earrings. Beneath the two small gifts were some larger ones shrouded beneath red tissue paper. She picked up the first two gifts and stared at them. He’d never bought her jewelry or perfume before. Usually he’d bought her stuffed cartoon characters, silly T-shirts, candy, or practical gifts.

Beneath the tissue paper was…. the boots!!! And the gloves!!! She felt her jaw drop.

“I knew you wouldn’t buy them, Diana. I kept them.”

“You’ve had them for over a year?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you give them to me last year?”

“Because I was afraid you’d still tell me to take them back. Now I haven’t bought you any expensive gifts for a long time, so I want you to KEEP THEM!”

She left them in the box and set the whole thing on the floor. “Ok, Ken. You’re right… I didn’t buy them.”

“I know you too well.”

“That you do!”

She turned her attention back to the other two gifts, the perfume and the jewelry.

“You’re blushing.” He said.

“You’ve never bought me this sort of thing before.”

“Well, try them on.”

“John, not now! I’ll wear them tomorrow. I promise.”

“It is tomorrow. It’s one in the morning.” He pulled the little box open and had the pearls around her neck in a jiffy. “Now the earrings.”

They were clip-on earrings. Diana had been too afraid to get her ears pierced. How strange that I would be afraid of something as simple as that!

He pushed her hair back on either side as he clipped the earrings in place, but the thick strands quickly covered her ears again when he released them.

“No, no!” John said, pushing the sides of her hair up and holding them atop her head. “You need a hair clip. Where are they?”

“Look, Ken, stop treating me like a Barbie.”

He scowled at her. “Look, humor me, OK? Put a clip in your hair, so I can see the whole picture.”

“Now??”

“No.”

“Brat.” He smirked, but the look of awe in his eyes did not stray. How strange… only a half an hour ago, they were sobbing together in her bedroom, and now…

“You do look nice,” he said huskily, and the warmth inside of her became so unbearable that she shifted a little, licking her lips and drawing his attention to them. She’d felt his desire in her bedroom… the desire to hold her and kiss her… “Now you have to try the perfume,” he added.

Every spring, Diana would comment on the sweet smell of the lilac bushes drifting on the breeze, so when he’d seen the perfume in the store over a month ago, he’d immediately thought of Diana. He held the bottle up and placed his finger on the nozzle. “Where at? Your wrist?”

She slowly held out her wrist. “Don’t spray it too close, or it’ll smell too strong-” It was too late. He’d sprayed long and hard only about an inch from her wrist, so she rubbed her wrists together in an effort to soften the scent. Then she breathed the sweet scent deeply. “It’s great!”

He took her arm and held it so he could smell the fragrance, too. Yes, it did smell nice. Too nice. He gazed back at her, eyes trailing down to her lips, heart pounding, begging him as it had earlier to grab that kiss that he’d been longing for. Another kiss. The first one in months. He pulled her closer, and she surprisingly did not resist. He cupped his hand under her jaw, opened his mouth slightly as it neared hers. “John…” she breathed, but he was too busy tasting the outside of her mouth. She shivered in his arms.

Everything felt strange, foreign, but amazingly hot and dreamy. All of her troubles were somewhere in the distance, and she tingled inside as his tongue entered her mouth, sweeping gently, the strokes become more intense when she threw her arms around his neck and he leaned into her.

They embraced as though holding onto life itself, dissolving into one another, their hearts pounding together as he caressed her back and felt her hands in his hair.

This display of affection simply wasn't a good enough way to express his emotions, even when he began to kiss her far, far more passionately than he had before. She returned the kiss with equal fervor, but he just couldn't get there, just couldn't begin to burn into her how much she meant to him, how much he longed to keep her close, how crazy he'd go if he lost her, too. Kiss her, kiss her, pull her closer, but the feelings only ballooned further, reaching a level far too complicated and overwhelming to express.

She seemed to feel the same way, as her hands swept along his his arms and back, into his hair, pulling tightly around him before retracing their path along his torso.

God, take his pain away, Diana begged. He doesn't deserve it. I can't stand to see him like this. He's always been so strong, and now he's reduced to tears and sleepless nights. He's got too much to handle, with the business and everything else. How can he do it, when he's this disoriented?

She kissed him deeper, wishing that this would be enough to end his heartache, to make up for how she'd shoved him away by refusing his gifts... to make up for the loss of his father. Anything just to end his torment, because John Carpenter was too good and kind and strong to have to suffer like this.

John's kisses trailed down her neck, so she tilted her head back, amazed that she could feel such a warm rush despite the heaviness of her heart. He pushed the shoulder of her nightgown away and his mouth covered the exposed skin.

Anything he needed... anything to comfort him.

OO