It was a large industrial kitchen used to serve up meals for the ship’s squadrons of battle hardened pilots is now a burnt out husk of its former glory. Everything is coated in ash and soot. Debris lay everywhere, the engineers made quick work of patching the holes that had been punched into the haul with the stainless steel counter tops that used to line the room. They were the only thing to survive. In only a few hours it had gone from being a well-oiled fully functional facility to a completely wrecked kitchen. Brae at on the cold steel island, where she did most of her work, her command station, so to speak. This room was her’s to command and this is where she could be found at most hours of the day. This was her refuge, not just anyone could come into her space. Now she sat by herself in the barely lit lifeless room with tears rolling down her cheeks and silent sobs shaking her body.

At this time they would usually be cleaning up after dinner and preparing for breakfast the next day. Instead she gets to marvel at the damage. It seems fitting to her that her kitchen would be destroyed the same day she’d wrecked the only other valuable thing she had on this cold ship. She had been happy there for a bit, laying in his arms feeling safe and secure. One stupid mistake had ruined everything. And now he one friend might as well be half a galaxy away.

Wrapped up in her thoughts she does not hear the footsteps of someone entering. She freezes at the feeling of her ever present sunglasses being pulled off her face. The only noise in the room is the sound of her glasses being set down on the counter and the sparks that shoot out of the light fixtures at random intervals. The normal hum and drum of the ship’s engines are conspicuously absent as they have come to a full stop to complete necessary repairs and regroup. Jaden places a hand on each side of her face using his thumbs to wipe away the tears still streaming from her down cast eyes.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it the way it came out. It just caught me off guard waking up like that.” Her eyes remain downcast and she doesn’t say anything. He wishes she’d stop shutting everything out and just talk to him. He’d been wishing that for three years now but it wasn’t wishing that built Rome. He hands twitch in her lap as she adamantly refuses to meet his eyes.

“Nothing’s changed, you know. I figure out that one on my own today.” Turning her head in his hands she closes her eyes to the view of the doorless freezers. She wants so much to look him in the face but not when she is so vulnerable, not after this morning. He sighs heavily. He did not come all the way down here just to let her put up all her walls again.

“Will you just look at me? Please?” There is exasperation and something almost sad in his tone and it breaks down what little resistance she has to give him. Looking up at him, her eyes are like saucers and brimming with tears. They are entirely black, what she has been hiding behind her shades for so long. The tell tail trait of long term apthgen users. A drug used to make a person more efficient with the side effects of being much more obedient. “That’s what you’ve been hiding? I don’t see why you couldn’t have told me.”

“Because I am ashamed.” It’s barely more than a whisper as she closes her eyes again, shutting out the tears.

“What is there to be ashamed of? You have a very demanding job. It’s understandable that you’d need the stuff to get everything done.” Shaking her head she moves his hands away from her.

“I’ve never used apthgen willingly.”

“I don’t understand. I thought the more severe side effects only showed up with long term use.” She’s really tempted to leave the room, change the subject, anything to not have to talk about this anymore. It’s all been too much today. She can feel herself coming apart at the seams.

“My mother was an addict. My father liked his women to be obedient and submissive. Whenever I started acting up he used to force the stuff on me too.” She rubs at her eyes, itchy from drying tears.

“But you looked normal when I met you in training.”

“I worked hard and got myself cleaned up once I got out of my parent’s house. There is a way to fix your eyes after apthgen but it’s extremely painful and I don’t know if I’d ever go through with it again.”

“So what happened then?”

“I’d been clean up until our final qualifiers. I hadn’t touched the stuff in three years. But some of the other pilots jumped me and forcefully dosed me with enough to make it impossible to fly or really function. When I finally came out of it, I woke up looking like a freak and it’s stayed with me since.”

“You do not look a freak. You’re as gorgeous as ever.” She looks away from him, a faint rouge tints her pale cheeks. “So why didn’t you just take the make up tests?”

“I took the hint. I was never wanted there and I knew it.”

“When has that ever stopped you before?” He leaned his forehead on hers just staring into her eyes. Her soft breathing tickles his face.

“I got tired of fighting it. Everything in my life has always been such a struggle. I’m tired and just about ready to give up. Having people who are supposed to be my peers do something like that to me brought back so many things I thought I’d left behind.” They fall into an uneasy silence that sets the hairs on the back of her neck on end. It stretches on for several minutes with Jaden still staring into her eyes. She does not like this feeling of not being to escape him.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” She speaks in a hushed tone. The silence of the room makes her want to be as quiet as possible.

“You are my best friend and I have not been able to look you in the eye for two years.” She looks down again, playing with his dog tags. Strands of hair that had been loosely tied up, fall into her face. He pushes them back behind her ears. “You have so many things to hide behind…”

“And I’m going to keep hiding behind them. Nothing’s changed. I need these things to keep everyone out. To keep everyone from getting me again.”

“But things have changed. From this morning to now, everything got turned upside down. You finally got back into the cockpit. And the fact that we’re actually having this conversation has got to count for something.” She lets out a frustrated laugh, leaning away from him.

“I’m not going to go around like I’m a new person. Besides, they aren’t going to give me my wings. If they don’t throw me in the brig then it’s right back into the kitchens like nothing happened.”

“You’re kidding me. The captain has been trying to get you back in the air since you dropped out of flight school. He’s not going to let you go back to the kitchen. Neither am I.”

“The other pilots will contest my wings. They will make everything ten times harder for me because they don’t want me flying with them. Looking like some apthgen freak just makes that worse.”

“Why do you care so much about them not liking you? I mean fuck them. You can handle anything they throw at you. I know you. You can win them over. You’ve got balls of steel and are stubborn to boot. I don’t know a tougher broad than you.” She pushed him away from her, forcing him to take a step or two back.

“Stop it! Just stop. Stop trying to change everything! I’m fine with how my life is. It’s a damn lot better than anyone ever thought it would turn out to be. I don’t need your help or your pity.”

“Pity? I just want to see you happy for once.” He has trouble getting much else out. The things Brae is saying bother him a lot.

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I am as happy as I’m meant to be? I’m in a position where I have the support of the entire service crew. I’m not as strong as you crack me up to be. I can’t just turn my back on the people I have worked with for the past year and a half.”

“So you’re going to turn down the wings you rightfully deserve so that you can spend the rest of your life cooking for the people who ruined your life?” He’s backed away from her even further now. Taken aback by what she is saying.

“Pretty much.”

“That’s stupid. It’s a thankless job and it’s wearing you down. I can see it day by day.”

“It’s not even that bad a job. I have control of my own kitchen. The people under me actually respect me and I’ve always liked to cook. So the hours are long. No job is perfect.” He leans o the counter, an arm on either side so she can’t avoid him.

“But it’s not what you really want to do. You’re a damn good pilot. Best I’ve ever seen. Why do you deprive yourself of that?”

“Why do you care?”

“What?”

“Why do you care? Why are you here? Why are you forcing me to have this conversation?”

“That I care about you isn’t enough?” He grabs her roughly and pulls her into a hard kiss. He breaks it off as quickly as it started, breathing heavily. Brae stares at him wide eyed and shocked at his sudden flair up. “You may have been drunk last night but I wasn’t. I’m tired of watching you walk through life like a zombie. I haven’t see a genuine smile on your face since you got here.”

“I haven’t had a reason for genuine smiles in longer. You can just tell the difference now. But I’m fine with that.”

“Well I’m not. And you’re finally letting me tell you that.” She looks down at her calloused hands for a moment. Then she tries to slide off the counter but he stops her from getting any further than that.

“The Captain said something about wanting to see me…” She says it in a very small voice. She needs to get away from him. He’s seeing too much, getting too close.

“Why do you keep pushing me out like this?”

“It’s not you. I swear. I just can’t. Too many people who I should have been able to trust unquestiongly have let me down completely. I don’t know if there would be any pieces left to put together again if that happens to me anymore.”

“But I’m not going to do that to you.” He reaches out to squeeze her arm as they stand in front of each other.

“I know…” She leans her head on his chest. “But I can’t do this. Not now.” They stand like that for a few minutes. His disappointment is mirrored in his body language. After what is maybe too long she clears her throat and backs away.

“I’m sorry.” She picks up her shades off the counter and puts them on, leaving him alone in the barely lit burnt out kitchen.